Can You Handle It?

I have it!

2010-09-15T17:00:00.001-04:00

I’m obsessed with how you make me feel. Hope keeps me strong and then it brings me down for what I should already have. I can feel it hard core. I feel it. Feel the energy cupped inside the cusp of my neck and shoulder, it goes right through me. When I go to speak it would all seem like a lie fallen on someone’s ears if I told them, that I already have it, but I do. I do have it. I just can’t show you. It’s hard for me to show you how it feels. Can’t show someone a feeling. If there was a way I can put my hand on you and let it radiate through my arm and into my hand finally enter you, you will then believe me. Believe. I already have.

I return...

2010-09-02T14:41:00.002-04:00

I'm back and totally pumped up about it. I thought to come back to my outlet. So here I am... I return.

July 16th Episode

2009-07-24T12:52:00.002-04:00

July 16th Episode

It was a bit chilly walking to the train station, once I sat down in the station to put on my make up, my body felt hot. When I was done putting my make up on. I felt my insides shaking, (extremely wired). I walked up the stairs to get to the platform and got on the train, though I don’t remember doing that. I had my two friends with me. I found a seat and sat down. The next thing I knew was I was trying to keep my eyes open so they would not go back. The voices of my friends started to fade away. That is all I remember. Then after that all I remember was holding onto a pole that was next to me in my seat and felt that I was clutched on to it, I was not putting any strength into the grip but my hand was doing it on its own. My friend told me the rest.

My friend (Linda) states the following:

I was talking to Samantha (my other friend) as my eyes became very watery as if it looked like I was about to cry. My left hand started shaking and going into a pumping fist. Samantha had said that I did not look good. My friend Linda had asked me if I wanted to go home. I shook my head no and said I’m tired. They kept asking me questions and I would not answer. I do remember in the end my friend Samantha asking me questions and then the second she finished the question I could not remember what she just said. She had to repeat her question a few times. I do not remember much of any of this. I remember feeling very tired after this episode and then my head started to hurt a little bit.

This episode was short and simple not like the ones I normally I have. Thing is... when I'm alone I probably have these not knowing I'm having them. I will try and remember other episodes and try to tell you mostly everything I went through. I will let you know about my Gran Mal, well I think it was a Gran Mal, at another time. Till then. Cross fingers I do not have anymore episodes. I see the doctor on Tuesday.

My letter to the Epileptic Dr.

2009-07-24T12:42:00.002-04:00

July 7, 2009

Hello Dr. ----,

Please find attached a DVD of my episode on Friday, July 3rd. I do not remember most of the first half so I will tell you what my cousin told me. (She was with me). What I do remember is how it started. I was folding clothes in my room and started to feel hot (which I’m always cold) I turned the fan on which I could not feel, so I turned it up more and directed it on me. Still I could not feel the fan. I had finished folding the clothes and took a shower, I felt a bit drained. I went back to my room with my robe on to blow dry my hair. As I was drying my hair, I did not feel well. My insides felt, I can’t even explain how I felt. When I would section my hair I put the dryer down. When I put the dryer down, my right hand would curl up. I got frustrated and tried to straighten my hand out. Kept telling myself I was fine. I only used two words “I’m fine” at the time I didn’t realize my speech was impaired. I continued to dry my hair and tried to ignore it, but every time I put the dryer down the same thing would happen. I then knew I was going to seizure. I still continued to dry my hair, trying to deny it. I was using the mirror to dry my hair and noticed that my left hand was constantly picking up the top of my hair very fast as I was drying it. I stopped and knew to call my cousin (who was already on her way to my house). I called her and told her I was not feeling well (not knowing my speech was hesitant, slow, missing words, repeating myself a lot and slurring, my one friend describes it as down syndrome speech, I know it is not funny but that is the way she said I sounded) My cousin was a few exits away. I hung up and then called her a couple minutes after because the sensation was getting worse. Again I thought I was speaking normal, but I was not. I told her that I was worse and that I was going to unlock all the doors now, because I didn’t think I was going to make it and pass out by the time she got there and that I was going to lay down on the couch. I felt my insides shaking and the feeling of no control of my body coming. I called a friend thinking she was in the neighborhood so I would not be alone as I felt the feeling coming on stronger. No answer so I called someone else. It was hard to make the calls but I finally did it. As I was speaking to my friend I realized my speech was not normal. As hard as I tried to speak normal it came out as if I was slow. I started to get emotional because I had no control of my body and speech. I then received another call from another friend and they picked up my abnormal speech immediately and she was nervous and didn’t understand why I was speaking that way. I just got more frustrated as I lay on the couch unable to move. My cousin arrived and all I remember from that point on was her taking the phone from my hand and telling her that I could close my eyes now. The only reason I remember the 2nd half (which is on the DVD) is only because I had watched it over and over again. My cousin told me the following from the first half I do not remember:
When my eyes were closed they were moving around rapidly
I was in and out, I would not respond to her and then I would at times.
She also picked up from the phone call and from when she walked in that my speech was not normal. She had told me now, that it alarmed her and got her nervous.
My body was twisted and stiff laying on the couch.
My arms were limp though my hands were jerking.
I kept making noise with my mouth (which you hear on the DVD) like a snapping noise.
She also told me that I had asked her to move me to sit up, but it was hard for her because my body was stiff and twisted. I do remember it was hard for me to breathe at times. Also I remember getting pain in between my breast. My heart was not racing or anything like that. I just remember having a dull pain which only lasted about a minute or so.
I came out of it and told her about 10 mins. later that I felt it coming again and she told me that is when I had said for her to get the camera. She helped me lay down, which I do not remember The video is broken up in clips, we might have lost a few seconds in between. I do remember my head hurting from time to time and at one time I felt extremely dizzy. It started around 1pm and lasted until 3pm. I had gone to sleep about a half hour later and woke up with a tremendous headache that lasted through out the night into the next day. My muscles were weak and ached that night and the next three days. I still feel very drained and a bit out of it. I’ve also been feeling numb since I’ve been taking Trileptol on the right side of my face and head (the side of my surgery). Please let me know when you would like me to come into the office.
FYI – The video was taken in different angles, you will have to put your head sideways to watch some of it, I apologize, my cousin was under the control of my camera. You will have to play it on a computer for it will not play in a DVD player for the television. I apologize once again.

That is all I sent to the doctor. My cousin remember bits here and there and she had told me recently that I was crying through it. I do not recall this. The video is disturbing as my one friend Ann told me after watching it. It was hurtful to watch myself. It's starting to take a toll on me that I have accepted that I'm one of those people. One of those people who have a seizure disorder and that is one thing I have never imagined would happen to me. I try to stay positive and strong, but it starts to get frustrating when it doesn't stop and you have no control of your body. I'll stand up and keep my head up, because I know that I'm grateful just to be alive.

Thought I should start again.

2009-07-22T15:59:00.002-04:00

So I thought I should start blogging again, I will try to blog my on going everday nonsense and most important I'm going to blog my new accompanied annoyance in my life... SEIZURES. This way I have a record of when I had them and what had happened from what I can remember and from what the people say and what the doctors are telling me. I will blog about the doctors visits, the hospital stay and of course what I went through when I was seizuring.

Will The Disaster Ever Go AWAY?

2008-11-29T17:16:00.002-05:00

A friend once told me “we understand but some things can't be chalked up to your not feeling well” after I had told them that no one understands what I go through. Isn’t it funny how it’s so easy to say things? I know for a FACT that not one person knows what I feel completely and what I go through. That same friend is telling me that my actions are not from me not feeling well. Does anyone understand, that me not feeling well is who makes me me? No. Does anyone truly understand what it feels like to be me? I can answer that for you. NO. I do what I do and feel what I feel because of who I am. Being sick has made me who I am along with all the things I’ve been through in life. This has molded me. So much has happened in my life that I can not even father to type. I’m told I’m not the same person I use to be. That’s right, I’m not, I can’t even remember who I use to be. My life has been filled with sorrow and pain. How can I be that same young teenager who didn’t know what life would bring her down the line? That teenager was a lot stronger back then, yes I’ve always had a strong tolerance for pain, but no one understands as life goes on and the more you get sick and the more sorrow enters your life, your strength seems to whimper away. Everyone sees me as a strong woman. Much do they know it’s all a façade. I don’t think people understand what it feels like to have pain in your entire body and feel your strength being torn out of your soul. Since I was a baby, a 9-month-old baby where I had pneumonia and hospitalized, where I turned blue and very ill. From growing up in pain and trying to ignore it to having a few surgeries and a major surgery. From losing a brother from a heart disease knowing I will never see him again. “You need to get over it.” I will never get over missing my brother. It has scarred me and when he died, part of me died with him. Constantly at the doctors and in the hospital, that puts a mental toll on you and a physical toll on your body. Does anyone I know, know what it feels like not to be able to feel good? Not able to think straight because your head is spinning and your right side of your face and head are numb, your insides ache and you can’t stop trembling? The not knowing what is this pain coming from and am I about to have another seizure? The pain after the seizure. The excruciating pain that lingers inside after a year and half of having cranial surgery? The tumor that grew back 4 months later, the suffering and acceptance of having seizures, beside all my other health issues, which are not just a cold thing, it’s important things. Does anyone know how that makes ME feel? To accept the fact that I am ill? My whole life has been this way and you can say you understand but some things can’t be chalked up to your not feeling well. No, I’m sorry, I love all my friends and family to death, but me not feeling well has everything to do with what I do and who I am. From being treated for infections, with the medication that literally almost killed me. Another ride to the hospital… with transfusions being transmitted to my body. Needles pricked into my veins and pill after pill, painkillers being put through my IV that never put a dent to the pain relief. When I go to the doctors I’m told I was overdosed in the hospital, but they had to, it saved my life. Does anyone know what it feels like when you walk out of your house not able to walk feeling your spine being ripped out of you and the emptiness inside your soul reminisces about the message the doctor had given you when he said “they saved your life” I almost dropped dead. Does anyone know what that does to you?
All my memories mustered into fragments. In ICU I saw my brother who has passed away, leaning on the door frame of my room when I laid there crying from the pain thinking I was in my death bed. He was there to watch over me. Another fragment of coming out one of my surgeries when the nurse came over and said I don’t like the way you are breathing and quickly gave me oxygen. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t breathing right.
Fragments:
Listening to the MRI machine noise brings memories of all the time each part of my body was scanned. Worried with what they will find.

My breast tumor biopsy… “You want all three done?” “Yes” “Wow, you’re in for a ride, we only normally just do one at time, it’s going to be painful”. I didn’t feel a thing, but felt the anxieties of the Cancer that runs in my family that might be living inside my body. Waited and waited to get the good news that it wasn’t Cancer but I had to go back for the other tumors in my other breast. I never went.

Walking into the operating room. I wasn’t even rolled in. It was cold and big. I was so confused wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up from it.

I felt them rip the tube out of my throat.

“We have to do a bone marrow”. My sister cried for me not to do it because it was too painful. They never did it because they knew I would go back to NY and they would want to do it again. My blood count was at a number where they couldn’t do the bone marrow by the time I hit the doctors office in NY.

What is wrong with me?????

What will they find now????

Can they help me?

When will the pain and agony go away?

The blood was just surfacing to my skin and I thought nothing was going to stop it.

At the hospital I was told “That sounds like a seizure to me, why didn’t your doctor put you in the hospital?” “I thought I was having a stroke, my doctor said I was fine and just to take the antibiotic, why didn’t she send me to the hospital?”

I was dying, literally dying.

Why does my heart ache so much, and why does it still ache?

“You shouldn’t be going through all this… you are only 32”

“Here’s a rx for a breast sono and you HAVE TO get an echo done, I can here the click in your heart, you still have that murmur.”

Is my heart broken?

“I have given you all the pain meds I could give you, it’s time for you to see another doctor there’s nothing else I can do for you.”

“Clinically you are having seizures.”

As the doc held my EEG report in her hands… she looked at me sadly and said. “You are having seizures.”

“There’s nothing else we can do for you, you now have to see an epileptic specialist”

“The meds are making me lose my hair, my appetite, I feel so angry and aggravated, I’m now soooooooo sensitive, what are these meds doing to me?”

After getting out of the hospital I was on a high dose of treatment to bring my platelet count back up…. It was the most painful treatment. I just wanted to be held while I lay in my bed disabled. I wanted to understand why I always fall into pain. I wanted love.

I fell, and he wasn’t there to hold me.

I punched my back and still the pain took my punches with numbness.

I had to learn to walk again, use my hands again, open my mouth again. I was scared.

I WAS SCARED AND STILL AM!
These are only small fragments that go through my mind every day along with the physical and mental pain. I give love and I guess I expect too much love in return, I’m only human a scared human who doesn’t know if her life will ever change. If her life will get better with her health and broken heart. Will she survive the disaster that lives inside her?

Dear Diary,

2008-08-11T12:12:00.002-04:00

Dear Diary,
How do I stop the hurt and the anger? I try not to think of it but it lingers deep inside. I want to rid it. I want to cry thinking that will release it. Thing is... I just can't cry. It won't come out. I try to think positive but sadness is the emotion inside. I try to think happy thoughts but then the hurt is intensified missing the happy moments. I feel like I can't win, I just want to erase it. Erase the hurt, pain and anger! Do you know what really sucks Diary?? I'll tell you... You can't answer me... that's what sucks. But you know what, I can sit here and type up my venting emotions, my confusions, my my my my well you know... type about MY soul.

The so far...

2008-07-11T15:12:00.002-04:00

It was about 2:30 pm. The air was just different today, the sun was warm but there was a calm breeze about it. Walking was a struggle for I felt each bone in my lumber spine being pulled out of my body sending pain through out my body. I was a soldier and took the pain. I kept walking with slow movement, but I was walking. My face was bare from make up, my arms dangled on my side as my bruises stood out. My strength was buried somewhere in my bed. I forgot to take it with me. Tired, but determined. A thought came to mind... I would have not been here today, if I didn't go to the emergency room. No one walking around me would have ever known that I almost died on the 4th of July. No one around me would ever think that I'm sick and I'm suffering as I walk to the train station to go see the doctor.

I think that's when it hit me. That's when I realized how critical I was. The doctors note that said critically ill didn't phase me. The hematologist in NY telling me that they overdosed me in the hospital, but they had to... it was an emergency... it saved your life. Still those words didn't phase me. Just walking down the street alone, I realized. I realized that I could have just dropped dead out of nowhere the week before and it scared me. I don't know why, but i can't muster up the strength to cry. I thought to let it out, it would release some sort of that mystery emptiness I have. Heck, I made it. I went to the emergency room, I did not hemorrhage though I was right about to, but I made it to the hospital in time. So world I'm still here, like it or not, I'm a survivor and you can't get rid of me.

Saying...

2008-05-23T11:53:00.000-04:00

Someone told me that I am AMAZING, that they are grateful for everything I have done for them. This someone touched my heart when they typed those words to me. I’m only being myself and it showed me that people can really see the good inside me. The caring heart that is open to the ones I love and in need. Some might think I’m crazy, but I do not believe in God nor any of the religions. I believe in myself and in souls. So when I say I was put on this earth, I wasn’t put on this earth by God or any higher being, I was put on this earth because my soul is a healer. I am here to help others. Give comfort to others and be there for even if it’s to hold your hand. I don’t do the things because I think it’s my job. I do what I do, because it’s what my heart and soul tells me to do, I’m sort of programmed that way. When you have entered my life and you’ve touched my heart and I say you are in a special part of my heart, it’s the truth. You are forever inside me. Being a Cancer, shows the motherly behavior I exude. Something else I can not help. It’s who I am. When I love, I love very deeply. I don’t just love, to say the words I love you, that phrase is so simple to say. If I tell you that I love you, you should know its deep in my soul. But, there is this one particular person who is asking for help and friendship. Which I have, and continue to do, this person has been stuck in my heart lately and I wish I could be there all the time face to face. It’s odd how this person brings me calmness and I feel I do the same for them. As you know I’m a woman who expresses her emotions and words. I want to express to my friend that I love them, I’ve never told them, but it’s not I’m in love I just love the person he is, because he’s touched my heart. How do I go about telling him, that I really care for him and he definitely has a special place inside my heart and that I love him, with out him thinking I want to be with him and making him think I’m saying I’m in love with you when it’s just I love you and don’t run away, I love you my friend. Sometimes words are just left to be unspoken and my actions should show them instead. To all my friends, you know who you are. I love you so much and it’s all of you who make me me and the strength I have inside is from all of you holding me up. I LOVE YOU!

Diminish

2008-05-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

I rub my eye as the nuisance still aggravates me. My heart is beating, but it feels like it's in a shallow well. I know its beating but I can't feel it, it feels too deep inside me that the vibration is lost between my hand and my chest. So much is going through my mind but at the same time nothing is there when I think back 2 seconds ago. Am I on some natural high? It some what feels like an outer body experience I do the things I need to do, but I don't feel the movement.

I should update you on some of my blogs. I'm still lost don't worry that didn't change. My biopsy for Breast Cancer came up benign. I have to get checked every 6 months, that's next month. How time flies. The tumor inside my head is back, going through all different pain meds and doctors to figure out what the next step is. Radiation was a suggestion, but not sure if that's possible. Neurologist doesn't want me to have another surgery as he put on that sad face. Tired of going back and forth to doctors and getting no results. Tired of feeling the way I feel, but I've learned to just live with it. I'm alive and really that's all that matters.

It's wild that I have my own crazy problems and I conjure to shun it outt to worry about everyone else. It actually occupies my mind in not thinking there is a problem embedded in my life. Heck I'm breathing… I have my family… I have my friends… I have a job… I am loved… so why hover my problems? I step away from it to make it fly away on its own, or just keep it wide open for some sort of positive energy to dissect it and diminish it.

Lost, can you find me?

2008-03-25T13:50:00.000-04:00

Why do I feel this lingering nauseating emptiness inside me? I go on with my day, but I feel so worn out? Feels like I haven’t slept in months. I wake up as if I haven’t slept at all. I’m forgetting things I did or need to do. There’s a yearning but I don’t know what it is I yearn. I keep telling myself “maybe if you cry, you’ll feel better”, but then I can’t even find the time to let the tears of the uncertainties wither out and flow away from my soul. I’m wondering if it’s everything finally falling into place to remind me of what I have been through. I’ve been trying to think positive hoping it will change things around, remove the negative thoughts that haunt my mind and heart and gut. It’s not easy. I always say it in my head, but now I have to say it out loud. If I say it out loud maybe just maybe things will change for the better, take all this lingering sadness and pain away. I’m done with it, tired of it and want it all to go away. I want a new me to be found and brought to the surface. How do I do that if I’ve lost myself in general? My life is so occupied, I have gotten lost in it. I’m the woman who’s there for you and there to celebrate your joy. I’m the woman who picks you up and goes to a Diner for breakfast. I’m the woman who e-mails you how much she misses you. I’m the woman who e-mails to set up a date to hang out. I’m the woman who will drop everything and help you out. I am the woman who will hold your head up while you are crying. I’m the woman who opens her arms and holds you. I’m the woman running around doing things for everyone. I’m the woman. I’ve become the woman I can’t find in myself. It’s like I’m living everyone’s life inside me except for mine. I feel like I don’t know where I went. Where did you go? I feel weak and confused still. Is it all the pain medication wearing me down, or is it life or maybe both? I need to feel for me now. How do I do that? How do I reach inside myself and find that special light to bring up to the surface? How? I just don’t know. I’ve been wanting to go to a spiritual cleansing retreat, maybe that will help. Maybe there I will be able to shed the uncertainties, the pain, and the weakness out of me. They’re just way to expensive, I don’t get it. We want to help cleanse ourselves not cleans the bank account out. I keep my head up, I’m told I’m strong, why is it I don’t feel strong? Can you tell me? I don’t want pitty, I just want people to respect what I’m going through and help me get through it. Can you?

Is It Or NOT???

2007-12-21T13:10:00.000-05:00

I had another percocet last night. I’ve been taking them since Monday night. This time I’m only taking one and not two like I normally do. They mess up my stomach. I only started to take it Monday because of the biopsy. I was afraid to have my breast touch my bed and find myself flying mid air from bouncing of my bed in pain. Then I thought to stop taking them. I ended up falling yesterday morning on my way to work. My heal got caught in the cuff of my pants and I went flying. I had a huge bag in my left hand as my purse was on my shoulder and my mittens were held in my right hand. I had no control and landed hard on the concrete. I took my time to turn over to look at my knees. No holes in my pants, what a relief. I looked at my inner left palm and saw blood and a nasty little hole. I brushed it off and then licked it clean, I know gross but I had to. So I took another percocet last night not only for my boob but my left wrist, it was killing me, I think I twisted it pretty good, only because I was holding a bag and tried to land with out losing it. I was hoping last night that the pain would go away and I would sleep. You would think I’d be sound asleep taking a pain killer, NOPE, I wake up so tired wishing I slept. They told me 7 business days. That’s the day after Christmas. Then they said, well with the holidays it might take longer. We all made an uneasy face. I can’t understand why it takes so long for a lab to get the results back to the doctor. You have someone’s mind going all over the damn place. Is it Cancer or not?? Just get it over with. Someone told me she had her results the same day. That’s only because she already had Cancer and wanted to make sure there was no re occurrence. In all honestly re occurrence or getting it for the first time, you shouldn't have someone waiting 7 business days to tell them they do or do not have Cancer. I’m not scared. I just want to know and if I end up with Cancer, I still won’t be scared. I’m just going to beat the fucking shit out of it that it will run so fast and never come back. Inside tells me I’m going to live a long time with or with out Cancer! Now, I just have to wait to find out.

The Trend Has Not Faded

2007-12-04T12:21:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since I have written. I haven’t even gone back to see what I have written last. So here goes nothing. As I sit here on hold with the Gramercy MRI place to see if they have a cancellation for my breast biopsy I thought “let me start writing.” I’ve been through a lot this year. Last December I had lost my aunt to Cancer. I always hated that time of year and never really liked celebrating New Year’s Eve. Thirteen years ago my brother Martino and his girlfriend had spent Christmas with us. I’ll never forget how he announced his other gift he had for her. “And we’re going to Mexico!!!” He said it with a huge smile on his face, she jumped up and latched onto him. I swear it looked like a child just jumped up on her dad for buying her a pony. They were both so happy and it made me happy. It was a great feeling to see Martino happy again. New Year’s Eve came and well it was the first time I didn’t spend it with my family. Martino didn’t spend it with the family either. The clock struck midnight and the confetti was everywhere. I was ecstatic. I’ve never been to a party like this before, so many people I didn’t know, strangers where surrounding me, but we were all happy to be there together. I ran to the pay phone and called home, my mother just told me that Martino just called to wish her a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Much did we know our new year was not going to be happy, but broken. Martino and his girlfriend went to Mexico and I went to work in the cold blizzard. I think it was the day or day before Martino was to come home from Mexico, when I received a call at work that I needed to go home. January 16th, will never escape me. Martino had a major heart attack and his soul left his shelter. He was gone and till today, no matter what anyone says I will NEVER GET OVER MISSING MY BROTHER!! He’s gone and my heart is broken. It’s something that can never be mended. So you see, this time of year is not a great one for me. Years have passed and it just never seemed to get better. I can not go through the years, there’s to much to write. Last year 2006, I said to myself… “This year I will not cry into 2007, 2007 will be the year, it will be the year when everything will start getting better!!” Well, December of 2006 put a damn damper on that. My aunt had passed away from Cancer and everything just seemed to be feeling a bit familiar. The feeling of loss and sorrow, the feeling of my brother’s death anniversary coming up while I’m still mourning for my aunt. My heart started to break even more. I wondered if anything was ever going to be good this year, but then I told myself it will get better, it has too.

It’s the end of January 2007 and I find out that I have a mass growing inside my head, right underneath my brain. I’m told that I can have a stroke or an aneurysm. So right away I look into specialist to get it removed. My sister goes into 10 hour surgery in May, she had a tumor on her spinal cord, and we didn’t know if she was going to be paralyzed or even make it out of surgery. She came out, but didn’t have such a smooth recovery; she is now disabled and numb on her right side. She is now trying to get disability and well let’s just say they are giving her the run around. It was either the middle or end of May or probably even before that, my father was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. The doctors were treating him for months for a bladder infection and finally they realized it was Cancer. He had tumors on his bladder. What else could go wrong? What else can break what is left of this heart of mine? I had to be strong, I had to be strong for them and for me. I was going back and forth to so many doctors for myself. I was walking around with the thought of the mass in my head, thinking why me? I was so sick from this mass and then on top of that, the ailment of my family put a toll on my weakened body. I finally found a doctor. I had major surgery in June, they opened my head up and removed a piece of my skull to get to this nasty mass. Eighteen staples and gruesome pain later, I thought I was going to die. Honestly, I kept it to myself as I laid there in ICU. I didn’t want to scare anyone; I didn’t want to say it, because I thought if I did, it would happen. I thought I was going to die. The pain killers didn’t do a thing and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see, and I was deaf in my right ear. The pain was excruciating, inexplicable. I laid there thinking it was my time to go; I didn’t want to go like this. I didn’t want to go in pain so I kept asking my brother Martino to help me. I had seen him while I was in ICU. I had seen him standing in the door way, strange thing though, he was a lot younger, I knew then he was there to watch over me and to protect me, that no matter how much pain I was in, he was there for me.

It’s obvious I’m now off the phone with the MRI place. About 3 months ago I had gone to my gyno because let’s just say something wasn’t right. I had to find another gyno because my gyno didn’t take my insurance anymore. I went back to one of the gyno’s who did one of my surgeries. She examined me, the whole nine yards. She gave me a breast exam and found lumps, so here I am now, 3 nodules later waiting for a cancellation so I can get my biopsy done before my appointment on the 17th. What a grand year huh?? The trend has not faded.

Could There Be Anything Else? ANYTHING???

2007-05-09T12:49:00.000-04:00

How do I not cry? How do I stay strong? Block emotions? Do I stick my head up my ass and not see what is crumbling down infront of me? Or do I just act numb?

I haven't been feeling well, wow that's a surprise isn't it? NO, I'm not a f'n hypochondriac. Back in January I kept bumping into my friend, making her drop her drink. I was sorry and did it over and over again. Am I a f'n retard or something? I'll answer that, NO! I wasn't even drinking, I wasn't buzzed nor drunk. I just kept losing my balance like a numb nut. I decided not to go to work the next day because when I got out of bed, I got dizzy. I thought I got up to fast bumping into the frame of my bedroom door. The walk to the bathroom wasn't so pleasant either. Again, I just thought I got up way to fast. So I decided to lay down for a little longer. The room was spinning. I waited for it to go away. It didn't. I got up and well the son of a bitch was still there. Again, I was like, too fast. Lay down. Wait. Try again. This time slow. Slow as a snail the dizziness was still there and I made my call to the office that I was not coming in. This greatness lasted for two weeks. I bumped into walls, people and well needed to hold on to things so I wouldn't fall. As I walked down the block I swore someone was pushing me towards the left/right. I decided to finally go to the doctor. VERTIGO! Just as I expected. The doctor wrote a prescription for my dizziness and when she moved the paper over to me I thought I was going to fall off my chair from getting so dizzy. The doctor sent me to an ENT specialist. I told the dude my symptoms and he ordered a MRI. He said my brain is normal, and I chuckled, "are you sure?", but there is a mass here. I have either a cyst or a tumor inside my head on my temporal bone. Long story short to today... I have to have surgery and that consist of a Neurosurgeon opening up my head, moving my brain, moving my nerves so the ENT surgeon can remove the cyst/tumor. Oh I forgot to mention... he's going to cut like a small sized egg of my bone out. Snazzy huh?

Meantime back at the ranch... my dad was diagnosed with bladder Cancer. I was told if you get Cancer you would want bladder, since it's easier to cure. My poor father 8 weeks of Chemo and now they have done more tests. They still found Cancerous cells in his urine, he had an appointment on the 2nd to get a biopsy. He took asprin two days prior so they couldn't do it. They rescheduled for May 15th. My dad is lost and not feeling well, I don't even think he understands that they found cancerous cells in his urine. May 15th they are doing a biopsy on his bladder and his prostate. I'm asking my angel...my brother Martino to please watch over him and to send some healing energy to my father so he feels better and that the Cancer is GONE!!!!!

My sister was complaining of pain. Her whole left side would go numb and her face would blow up. The pain from her head would go all the way down her left side, it drove her crazy. She couldn't speak at times. I told her "GO TO THE DOCTOR DAMN IT, YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING A DAMN STROKE." I then told her that it might be her neck, she has some bulging or herniated whatever discs. I then told her to make sure she doesn't have what I have. Petrous Apex Lession. "GET AN MRI DONE ON YOUR HEAD AND NECK!" Finally she listened to me. She was more worried about me than herself. They found a tumor in her spinal cord. She has surgery. Her 4 to 5 hour surgery turned into 10 hours. They cut her nerve and now she has no feeling in her left arm. She is heavily medicated and can't move. My mom cries to me every day that my sister in not herself and she keeps her arm limp. That my sister is hallucinating and when she talks she's not all there. The pain is excrutiating and my mom tells me that my sister thinks she's dying. My sister thought she was in a car accident. See's people that are not even there. Calls me day to day and tells me not to have my surgery as she says it in agony. I can't even hold her hand. Tell her that she'll be ok. I'm so far away. I'm here in NY and there she is in Florida disabled.

My surgery is scheduled for June 11th. I'm nervous... I have a chance to go deaf in my ear and lose the nerves in my face. Before all this, I was having PSVT episodes. My heart was in my throat, my hands were shaking as I felt like my insides were trembling hard core, I started to see all white and felt my eyes rolling back. Was I about to faint, my chest was going to explode, was I having a heart attack? NO! the cardiologist says PSVT! I do all my reading on the internet with the Petrous Apex lession and that was one of the symptoms, the trembling. It always happens to me out of nowhere. I grabbed the remote to watch a show and it looked like I was jerking off the remote. I couldn't stop trembling so crazy as my heart was in some speedy whacked car race. I'm just f'n numb!

I'm Done

2006-12-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

It has come and I am suffering.

Wed. night I had a dream that I was at my job, but it didn't look the same. It's always like that in dreams. There was fruit everywhere in the office. The one thing that stood out were the peeled oranges. They were whole, put in all different places all by themselves. I knew I couldn't touch it, because they weren't mine, but I wanted to grab it and eat it desperately. I just walked by with out touching them. Then Thursday I had another dream of looking at a fruit store with the vibrant colors of all the fruit. I was told that they were really good but I wanted better, I was told to go up a few blocks and that is where they sell the best inexpensive fruit. I went and saw my younger brother pull into McDonald's. I called him and he said he was already gone. I went nuts looking for him that I ended up getting lost.

I had my father look up oranges and fruit in the Italian dream book. It meant tears and sickness. It meant Zia Franca is going to die! She did, Saturday. I then had a dream this morning, that we found my aunt in her bed choking on her last breath. I called for an ambulance and told them or should I say screaming that they need to come, that my aunt was dying and she needed oxygen that I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to be able to breath and die peacefully. I was crying and yelling like a lunatic. I told my sister to go and punch my aunt in her chest to revive her. I then saw my aunt with white hair and she had asked me for a piece of my hair so she can take it with her. She wanted to take a piece of me with her. She did, she took a piece of my life when she left us.

I went out Friday night, it was a good time. Went for Japanese and then went to some lame lounge that we briefly visited and then we went to some VIP place. Still don't know why it was VIP, but I guess that is what Florida is for you. I went home content but still an annoyance or should I say a disappointment lingered inside. Remember my so called person who made me forget about my pain? Well I had text him earlier that day to tell him, that I was done and I said my goodbye. He didn't want that and it came to him texting me that he would call me, he never did. I had told him to prove to me that he's a friend by calling me later that day and he text me back "I will!!!". Never happened and it hurt and the disappointment lingered inside. I still went out and had a good time, I didn't want it to ruin my night.

Saturday morning, I opened my eyes and realized still that I never got a call. I was sad. I had to pee, but I had no strength to get up. So I did what a lazy person would do and that's stay in bed till I couldn't take it anymore. The phone rang, it was about 9 something. I thought my mom would get the phone, but she didn't. It was my Aunt in Ft. Lauderdale. She left a message. "Sara, pigia telefono", which means Sara pick up the phone. My mom didn't pick it up. The sound of the phone told my body to get up and pee. So I did. Then I walked around the house in a daze, something wasn't right. I could tell by the message. I don't know how, but something deep inside already told me. A few minutes passed and the phone rang again. It was my Aunt from Ft. Lauderdale again. The first thing I said with out giving her a chance to say hello was. "Come Zia Franca" - "How is Aunt Franca". This is my aunt in Rome whom I mentioned was sick and dying of Cancer. She replies "Si nio" - "She left".

I fell to the ground and cried the mourners cry. As soon as I hit the floor I had told her that I knew. The pain came back, the pain of losing someone.

Last year on New Year's Eve night, I had gotten a call that Zia Franca had lung Cancer and not even a year later she's gone. I miss her so much, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She went back to Rome and there is no way I could afford a ticket. My mom found out later that they were going to lay her out in her house the next day which is today Christmas Eve. That's the way they do it in Italy. They lay you out in your bed and then bring you to the cemetery.
My aunt was a healer, she helped so many others with their ailments and cured them. Now she's gone, she couldn't help herself, isn't that the way it always goes? Sounds like my life.

So here I am an emotional basket case. My aunt passes away, my parents are sick and my dad has hit depression and wishes he was dead. Do you know what that does to me? It tears me apart. My roommate is leaving, she has to move out and help her mother out, I'm left alone, I always feel alone. I need to find someone to move in because I can't afford it on my own and I don't have time. Then I've been trying to shake off this darn cough that I've had for over a month and it's not going anywhere but staying in my damn lungs. I had checked my email to find that I got a bonus which I thought it would be more, but I can't complain, it's a damn bonus. Then in the letter that was sent via email told me our salary raise. They only gave me cost of living. The person before me was making more than I was, she did a lousy job and didn't do her job and made a mess for me to clean up when I got there, when I was hired I was put to my desk and they said ok work, I had to train myself. I found her paper work and saw she was making more than me, she was only there for 8 months before they let her go and hired me, I've been there for a year and four months, and they did not give me a raise, I'm not making anything near what they paid her, it's a slap in the face, since I turned the place around and cleaned up the crazy mess. The person who had me forget my pain, forgot me and well I had to call him. I had to call him and tell him that I can't go through this. I can't be his friend because he isn't trying and it's hurting me. This is the time when I need my friends the most. Yeah I have my other friends, but when we hooked up, we built this bond and I felt it, I thought it would bring our friendship to a deeper level. Meaning we would be close and be there for one another. I guess that bond was all fiction. I called and told him do you want to be friends or not because I'm not working on hope anymore, I spilled out my emotional guts and he said he wants to be there for me. I told him I'm tired of making everything about everyone else, 2007 it's going to be all about me. So if he doesn't want to be my friend he needs to tell me now because I'm done. I told him I'm tired of a girl interfering our friendship. I just needed him to tell me I can't be friends with you anymore, so I can let go of hope. He then says that we are friends and he was giving me time to be with my family and that he wants to be there for me, but it was a rushed speach. He said he had to run around and take care of things and would call me when he got home, he said to give him 2 hours. I didn't hold my breath. He never called. He knew how torn I was with my Aunts death and knew I was hurting because the lack of our friendship. He was suppose to prove to me that he was a friend by calling me the other day and he never did. When I get back home to New York, I'm done. He's no longer my friend, I will no longer bother trying to mend it. I can't have him bring me down when I'm already under. So, here's to another damn miserable year that will forever play in my mind and to a new year wishing for happiness. I'm falling apart, so I'm done!

It's That Time Of Year Again

2006-12-11T11:01:00.000-05:00

I know... it's been a while. I just haven't been able to blog in a very long time. A lot has been going on. I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just be sporadic.

Mia moved out and I have a new roommate, but I think I already mentioned that. Things are great. I do the cooking and she does the cleaning, I help out once in a while, if I'm not in my bed sick as a damn dog, seems to be the trend this year. To be sick as a dog. Who the heck came up with that saying anyway?

At this particular moment my eyes are puffy and won't seem to go down, they burn at times and well it looks like somebody died and I've been crying all damn day. Tis not true... it's me not feeling well. Damn it!

I had stopped typing and continued today, things have changed at the homefront and my eyes are no longer puffy but my heart is definitly sore.

I've been recording and made some great friends from the studio. It feels good to be around passion and to be around your passion that you can share with people. I would go after work and get there around 8, 8:30 and get home around 2 am and lose another nights sleep. Not like I get a real nights rest anyway. It's about a 1/2 hour ride out and well thank goodness there's no traffice on the way home. I sang with bronchitis and well it was recorded. It's amazing what you would do for passion.

Last year at this time, things seemed like shit, like always. This year it's happening all over again. My aunt in Rome is dying and I know I will never see her again. My heart suffers knowing she is in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm dying all over again, the way I felt when my brother died years ago. My parents aren't well, all they are doing is getting older and getting sicker. I haven't been feeling well, but that's usual for me and I just live with it.

My new roommate who's actually lived with me for like 7 to 8 months just told me the other day that her mother needs her to come back home. Again, I am stuck looking for a new roommate in a short notice. It's stressful and I try not to stress, but how can I not with everything else that is breaking my heart. I have a job, yes, it pays my bills and that is all that can be said about that. This time of year brings back pain and I thought it would get better as years came by. On the contrar other bullshit has to happen and make it worse. I get real sensitive this time of year. I think about my brother Martino who passed away, it will be 12 years in January, and you would think I would feel a bit better about the whole thing, but it's something that never goes away. So at this time of year I'm alot more sensitive to things than usual.

I did have a happy moment that briefly came into my life, that was quickly taken away, hence another heart break. I actually met someone. Someone who I felt comfortable with. Someone who actually took all the stupid pain away or should I say made me forget about the pain. It felt good. It felt good that person was there to hold me and to give me what I needed. No strings attached, he would put his head on my chest and he actually told me that my heart beat was beating so normal. Much does he know my palpatations went away when I was with him, he brought calm to my insanity of pain. The sad part was, I really liked him, I developed feelings for him, but I refrained to tell him, I thought we both agreed to the no strings attached deal and take it day by day. I was afraid to like him, because like I said I thought it was no strings attached and I knew as soon as I did tell him, I felt that what we had would go away, and it did because as soon as I was ready to do so his ex came into the picture. Intuition could sometimes be a bitch. His ex started to feel lost with out him when she found out he was with me, and it's only natural to feel the way she did, which was, oh I miss him and I realize that he is with someone and I can not take that, I want him back. So there he went right back to her. He claims the two months they were together, they fell for another, but the reason he first broke up with her wasn't enough for him to stay with me and start something new, something he was released from stress and so comfortable with. He did have feelings for me but I take it wasn't enough. He had rather gone on to the challange of fixing things with the girl he thought he fell for two months ago that did things I feel shouldn't have gotten a second chance. Now I'm here typing it to you.

I'm in Florida visiting my family. I thought I would be happy and part of my saddness would go away, it hasn't. I can't stop it. I want it to go away. I want my Aunt to miraculously heal, I want my parents pain to go away and for them to live for an eternity. I want my friendship back with the man who briefly took my pain away and made me happy. I want my passion of singing to finally rise, I want my health to be in tip top shape. I just want to be HAPPY.

The Anger Inside

2006-05-23T13:35:00.000-04:00

The Anger inside me does not escape. It's a problem. It's not a problem to get angry, it's only an emotion that is part of being a human. My problem is that it never escapes me. One thing can get me so upset and it turns into anger. It always ends up that after one thing it's always another and that is why it never escapes me. It lingers inside, like if my body wants to dwell on it. I need to get it out. Even if I think about the situation it brings me back to the exact feeling I had when the situation happened. The feeling is strong and stays. Then when I get upset or mad it just brings back all the things that have scarred me from anger. It's all a psychological thing it happens to everyone, but they probably don't even realize it. That will happen until I have resolved that problem that has made me so angry, but I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm sick and not only is it because of my low immune system, I think it has a lot to do with the stress that enters my life that I try to ignore that it is actually stress and then there is the anger that is stuck inside me. It wears me out. I need to go somewhere and just relax, I need a flush. I need a cleansing. I need help.

Catch Up

2006-05-15T14:37:00.000-04:00

It's Monday and I'm far from being wide awake. My head is pounding as my body aches. Mia moved out Saturday afternoon and Nica moved in. I'm walking around in my office twisting my arm so my shoulder and wrist cracks. The pain came out of nowhere. Snap here snap there.

My mother calls me today crying. My youngest brother had surgery on his nipples he had some extra tissue underneath that was causing major pain. He had surgery sometime last week and he had gone into the emergancy room last night, because he thought it was infected. Turned out to be a whole bunch of blood blocked up and needed to come out. As I was saying, my mother calls me today crying, my brother was back in the doctors office and well it's a blood vessel that is leaking blood into his chest. I told her he would be fine. I told her it's nothing to worry about, it's not a tumor so he'll be fine. I even told her about how much I bleed for an entire month as if a river was coming out of me and I was fine. Note: I was not bleeding from my nipples, it was a different kind of surgery.

So here I am at work, trying to type this as quick as I can with my 5 minute break. So I'll put it in bullets of what has been going on and one day I will go in depth about each bullet.

My mother has shoulder surgery
Mia moves out
Nica moves in
My mother has neck surgery and now has two metal plates 3 screws and a donors bone in her neck
My brother has surgery on his nipples
7 people from my job get laid off.
1 person quits 2 weeks later
I have to give one of my cats away and it's killing me
I'm going to Vegas
I'm going to Barbados
I'm going to 3 weddings in June and 1 renewing vow party
I'm going broke
I'm thinking about Lazik eye surgery
My cousin is getting married
Did I copyright that?
Had all these catscans and things stuck up my nose for my sinuses
I need to see a headache specialist
3 cats in the house
My uncle the painter
z100 and paying bills
I'm singing
myspace
Patty passed away

So I know there is more but at this particular 5 minute break I can not think of anything else.

Sorry, but now I'm back

2006-05-03T11:34:00.000-04:00

Hello All,
I know it's been a while since I've last wrote. I will start on being more dedicated to writing now. I'm at work now and really can't write much. So I'll just leave you with something that happened on Sunday night.

Sunday night I walked in my apartment after my trip to Philly. I smelled the litter box and knew I had to clean that bitch up. I held my breath and did the duty. The litter box is between a closet and this beautiful piece of old furniture that holds all my photos. I ditched the bag by going out to the front of the house and slam dunking it into the garbage can. When I came back I grabbed the broom to sweep up the rest of the little mess that was left on the floor. I heard something mechanical go off in the closet. I thought to myself, hmmm is that a toy I probably bought for one of the many kids I know? I opened the door and a gush of cold wind hit me as I saw the box fan in the closet slowing down. The point is...the fan in the closet was not plugged in.

Wondered what ghost it was. Still don't know.

Sorry It Took So Long...

2006-03-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

I know. I know, I've taken to long to write. Thing is I really wanted to start writing about happy things, good things. On the contrary, things have not been that way and I thought not to write at all until something happy or good happened. Then I thought I'm neglecting my feelings in general. So here is another sad story for you. Where should I start????

Ok here...

New Year's Eve, I get a phone call that my Aunt in Rome that has lived in America for 13 years who is back home in Rome now has lung cancer. Not a good way to start my New Year's Eve. Mia and I had our grand party. It was great. I was happy but sad at the same time. Midnight came and went, and my eyes were blood shot from crying, though all the drunks in the house thought I might have been drinking way too much. Which wasn't the truth, it was me crying.

Then I had a nice trip. I went flying and landed terribly on my knees. I ripped a nice hole in my expensive pants. I was walking to the train station to go to work. I had a 9am meeting that I came to find out was canceled when I got there. I was walking pretty fast like I normally do. Thing is, this time a piece of cloth was on the floor and the heels from my boots grabbed it as I went flying. I didn't want to fall on my face and I had nothing around me to hold. My lower body twisted to the left and my upper torso faced forward. It all went down in slow motion. I had twisted my knees and ankles. My knees hit the ground and I heard the big bang. Pain isn't even a word that could describe what I felt. I heard a woman scream and I thought she was across the street. When I looked no one was there, I looked forward and saw a woman up the block. This woman saw me fall all the way up the damn block. She came over to me and asked if I was ok. I found a piece of cloth under me, thinking it was my pants. She reassured me that it wasn't but when I looked at my left knee, there it was a nice big hole. I couldn't move at all. So she helped me up and asked if I needed help. I told her that I would sit and then just go home to change my pants. A normal 5 minute walk back to my house took me hmmm... I don't know... an eternity? My knees where numb, I sat on my bed and faced the full length mirrors in front of me. I felt something on my leg. Oh look here, blood dripping all the way down. I took a nice piece of skin off on my knee from that grat big fall. So, like a big dumb dick I went to work. Took off the next day because I was disabled. Stood in bed all day. I couldn't walk normal for about two weeks. Finally went to the doc and she said that I had water in my knees and to see how I would feel in a week. If it was still hurting me she wanted to do an MRI. I thought oh no another knee surgery? Ahhhhh... The next week I suffered and didn't go back. I was afraid that my insurance was going to cost me my leg if I had the MRI and ending up having surgery. My health insurance sucks big fucking hairy distorted balls. So I suffered and went on with my life. Mia moved in that my friend, is the only good thing I can write about. So Mia is in, I was on the phone with my friend Vito talking, catching up on our lives. Haven't heard from him in years. He's in Vegas now and well... my cousin and her brideÂs maids and her maid of honor who is me are going to Vegas for her bachelortte party. Vito is hooking us up with a hotel. So nice of him. There I was laying in bed and bull shiting on the phone. A cough here, a cough there, a little wheezing here a little wheezing there, a bigger cough here and a bigger cough there, then oh crapper my chest was going to explode, a big wheezing here, a bigger wheezing there. Vito said he would let me go since he heard my discomfort. It just got worse. My chest was splitting in half I thought I was going to die, all that came out of my mouth was a loud wheezing noise that almost deafened me. I got up and told Mia that I thought I was having an asthma attack. She told me to drink some water. I told her that wouldn't help. I started to cough and well started choking on it and gasping for air. She told me to breathe into a paper bag, I was already in one of the closets looking for an old pump. I couldn't find one. I went and grabbed a freaking paper bag frantically. It didn't work, I drank some water and that didn't work. I looked one more place. The good ol' medicine cabinet. Found some pumps, problem was... they had expired in 2002 and 2003. I took some puffs. It did not relieve any pain in my chest. We joked around about going to the hospital. I think this happened sometime in Feb or January. My chest today is still killing me. I called the doc the next day and found myself in the pharmacy getting my expensive pumps.

My mother is told she needs shoulder surgery. She goes to another doctor and they tell her she needs neck surgery. The woman didn't know which to do first. Then she was scheduled for shoulder surgery. I get a phone call at 9 am on a weekend from my sister. Telling me that my mother isn't feeling well and asked me how much longer do I really think my parents have. You know she was playing that guilt trip thing on me so I could move down to Florida and be with my family. I called my mother. Her blood pressure was high, her sugar was high and her heart rate was high. She woke up feeling dizzy and she was sweating profusely, she couldn't see and felt like she was going to vomit. Everything wasn't going down so I told her to take all her tests again. There were still high. I told her to call my brother and have him bring her to the hospital. She listened. I called my brother two minutes later and he said he was getting ready to bring her to the hospital. She went and was there for like 4 or 5 days, her heart rate was high and never went down till that one day. The doc wanted to stick a tube down her throat and look at her heart, if needed be, they were going to shock her heart so her heart beat could go back to normal. She had an appointment to have it done at 2. They postponed it to 3. The doctor was 15 minutes late. The nurses were there at 10 after 3. They started to hook my mother up. My mother was so scared once she saw all the machines. She thought of my brother Martino. One of the machines made a loud beeping sound. The nurse asked my mother if she was kidding.

"I no KID."

Her heart rate went back to normal. My mother says it was a miracle. I was hoping that maybe my brother Martino helped my mother. The doctors told my mother that if she didn't come to the hospital she would of had a stroke and probably had a good chance of dying. She even had pains from her feet going up her legs, her chest was in tremendous pain. I told my mother, "You see it's a good thing you listened to me." I don't know what I would have done if it went that far.

My Aunt in Rome is on chemo hard core. She's really sick. I just can't bare the pain. She's losing her hair and getting real sick. The doctor opted taking it little by little and give her chemo hard core full blast.

My chest... still killing me. My asthma is here for a while and is just tearing me down.

One of my best friend's father passed away. I spent Valentine's day at a wake.

My 5 month old nephew ended up in the hospital. He had pneumonia. You had to hear the way he was or should I say not breathing. They had him in a gigantic steal bed. with plastic covering him as he sat inside it in his car seat. He needed his oxygen level to be stable. He was there for over a week. I went and held him in the crib, I put my hand on his chest and tried to do some reiki. Doctors said he was doing better the next day. I begged the baby to cough and he did. He's to young to understand to cough it up, but when I asked him he did. Thank goodness. He's home now and is better. Thank goodness, another thing that is good news.

Today, I went Upstate. It was my cousin's children birthday party. It was a good time. Though I felt like shit, I think I'm coming down with something because my freaking chest and back feels like a damn bazooka shot me. On my way home I get a call from my second cousin in Oklahoma. She had asked me about my cousin who had breast cancer, which is her aunt. She had asked me if it was true that she was going to have surgery. I knew nothing of the sort. I called my mother to find out. It was true, the doctor told my cousin that after some test results she has a 90% chance out a 100% that her cancer will come back. If she has surgery to remove both breasts, she has a 45% chance out of 100% for the cancer to come back. So she is going through with it, she is also getting a hysterectomy.

So you see, in general, my health is down shits creek. went to see the holistic doctor. My kidneys are no good, my uterus is no good, my lungs worse and my liver no good. She saw that my heart always palpatates and that I suffer from body pain and head aches and bone aches. My mother almost had a stroke and had a great chance of dying. She just had her shoulder surgery and well isn't well at all. My dad now has been feeling ill for a bit and had some moles or some sort of skin removed from his eye and neck. The doctors are doing further testings on them because they think he has skin cancer, he also has blood in his urine. Things aren't good. That is why I didn't want to write. Now you are sitting here reading another freaking sad story of my life that I thought was going to disappear into a great happy healthy life. 2006 I HATE YOU!

The Empty Day(January 16th) - I Tried

2006-01-18T14:27:00.000-05:00

It's the day after the empty day. I tried to ignore the yesterday but thought I would be mad the next day because I did ignore the empty day. I tried to go on with the day without shedding a tear. I succeeded until...

I felt sick. Though I tried to fool my mind I didn't fool my inner soul, my body. It was worn. Tearing apart as I tried to ignore it all. Inside knew what the empty day was and reacted. I decided to go over Drea's that way I wouldn't be alone and let my inner soul overpower my mind. We orded Chinese food, which I rarely do. We ate, watched 24 and a bit of the golden globes. CSI Miami came on and we watched. I finally left around 11:30. I entered my apartment feeling lost. I took my layers off and put them on the chair in the living room. I started to feel it, my guard went down I couldn't try anymore. It was time. Time to let it out. I looked at my cat and she looked right into me. She saw my pain. I picked her up and hugged her. I looked in the mirror in front of us and watched my tears bathe my face. I sat on my bed and it started with a light headed feeling and my chest caved in, my right arm was limp next to me. It seemed as if I was having an outer body experience. It was like I was watching myself from above me. I sat there and had my mournful cries. I was weak and finally made it inside my bed. I just laid there with no sleep. I swear I really tried to not hurt so much on that empty day. I lit a candle (a tea light) earlier. Put it in a heart shaped silver candleholder. That was when Drea called and told me to come over. I didn't want to blow out his candle that was lit by his pictures with a piece if his eucalyptus and when he was alive he had those little silver cubes with all the initials of his name. It was all there. I didn’t want to disturb it, but I couldn't leave with it burning. I blew really hard and it didn't want to extinguish. I tried six times and still there it was lit. I called Drea and asked if she wanted to come to my place instead. I told her what happened, she really wanted to stay home. So I made another attempt to extinguish the tea light. Drea heard the loud and powerful blow. It didn't work. So I said it allowed that it doesn't want to shut off. I took a second deep breath and finally it went out.

Emotions

2006-01-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

I'm an emotional basket case, I cry at the drop of a damn dime. Who came up with that saying anyway, minus the damn? On my computer monitor at work, I have that card you get when you go to a wake. It's my brother Martino's card and his picture is on it. Obviously he still looks the same as he did 11 years ago and it kills me every time I glance over to it. Eleven years gone so quickly and the pain feels the same. I'm certified depressed, I diagnosed it myself. I know I get this way this time of year all the time so I know it will get better. I will not take that card down. I'm not punishing myself, you might think I am, but I just can't take the pain here at work. He has always been there on my monitor and that's where it's going to stay. I was going to take the 16th as a personal day, but then I thought to go to the cemetery the day before which is a Sunday, now I'm not sure if I can handle being at work on his anniversary.

I feel neglected, I feel so alone right now. I even cry when my cat doesn't want to be bothered with me. She doesn't even want to sleep on my bed with me anymore, and that my friend, hurts me... especially right now. She found her way up on the entertainment cabinets my brother Martino built. On the very top of one of them is his pillow. I know this will sound morbid, but when he passed away, the coffin was a little to small for him. So at the final wake when they had to close the coffin, they had to take his pillow out in order for him to fit in his coffin. I'm sorry I need a break.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know how it ended up in my apartment but it did. So I put it up on his work. He built those cabinets right before he died, he built it for his new apartment, which he obviously didn't get to stay there long. Back to my cat... our New Year's Eve party was a blast, we had my friend dj the party and he was set up by the cabinets. He had his turn tables in a case, which is called a coffin, how coincidental. He had that on top of a table and when the equipment was closed my cat would jump on the table and then jump on the coffin and then jump all the way on top of the furniture. She would walk her way over to the pillow and stay there. She was attached to it. She was so mellow on that pillow. Ever since then, the table and equipment have been gone, but she found her way back up there from jumping on one of the chairs that replaced the equipment, she jumps more than five feet to get there. All she does now is go up there and stay on that pillow, she hardly comes down and when she does she doesn't even want to really stay with me, she wants to be left alone. Again, emotional basket case here starts to cry. I tried getting her down last night. I stood on the arm of the chair and tried grabbing her. I finally got her and when I lowered her down she grabbed on to that furniture and leaped back up there like a crazy cat. I don't get it, and the weird thing is that she use to go up there a while back and she has never been like this, I mean she was attached before to that pillow, but not like this. I think she might feel what is going on. That my brother's anniversary is coming up and when I look at that pillow she probably knows that I feel that it is a part of my brother and she wants to be close to that. Maybe I'm crazy...maybe it's my emotions speaking, but how else am I suppose to tell you how I feel?

Leaving And Now Going

2006-01-03T15:08:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve. My new roommate Mia and I had a house party along with our friend Sherry. It was a great party. I cried my eyes out, because I'm that emotional chick. Really it's only because I miss my family and especially my brother Martino. It's that really hard time of year for me and all the way into January as I had blogged about before.

I think the midget broke my back. What midget you say... the midget we had that bartended our New Year's Eve party. He was dancing on the dance floor a.k.a. living room, and he told me to hold him really tight. So I did, he grabbed my legs and held me like a baby, and DROPPED ME. He lost his balance. I fell hard on my back. OUCH!! I laughed so hard and wondered if the pain was ever going to go away. News update, it still hurts. He fell on top of me, but I didn't notice because I was in too much pain. He got drunk and well was making only Malibu drinks all night, I don't think he knew how to make drinks. He was very entertaining. He got his short self drunk and well started to dance with everyone and jumped on the couch and gave a guy a lap dance. I've got it all on video.

Christmas eve I went shopping, I had to because I didn't have time and then the strike held me back from shopping. I went out to Long Island and called my mom to wish her a Merry Xmas Eve, though I don't celebrate I wished them a happy one. My parents really don't celebrate either, but they give gifts to my niece, my sister's daughter. My parents don't even put up a tree. Ever since my brother died they haven't celebrated. It was the last holiday they spent with him and well I completely understand why they don't put a tree up anymore nor really celebrate the way we use to. The big dinner, the tree all decorated, gifts bombarding the tree and family comes over and we have a great time, that all ended 11 years ago this January when Martino died.

My mother picked up and we talked. I was in Mia's sister's car that she borrowed. My mother told me about my niece Angelique, Martino's daughter, that she called the house to wish her and her mother a Merry Xmas. My sister in law told my mother that her parents came over and attacked her (I'm thinking verbally) they wanted to take her children away from her. I don't know why they don't speak anymore but they don't. My mother then tells me that someone went to the house and checked out my sister in law's house. Then she got a call or a letter in the mail for a court date. Someone called either child services or something like that on her and now I don't know what will happen. The person had said she had a nice home, but my mother thinks the person was just saying that to throw my sister in law off. You know being sneaky. I told my mother I would call her, because I was planning on calling her to wish her a Merry one anyway. I hung up and tried to keep my composure. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started to cry and Mia and my friend Jesse asked me what was wrong. I told them that my niece might be taken away from her mother. She doesn't have Martino and now they are going to take her away from her mother. She's been through so much this little girl. I was afraid and still don't know what will happen. I've called and haven't received a call back. Like always my Holidays suck and bring me pain. My sister in law thinks it was either her parents or her brother who called these people to take her kids away. Well that's what my mother told me.

New Year's Eve, I was getting myself ready to do things around the house for the party. My sister calls me. She never calls really.
She said " I have news."
I asked if it was bad or good.
She said "What do you think?"
I said "Bad"
She told me about my aunt and how she's in the hospital. My aunt who is the healer, people might not believe in them but she is a healer. She lives in Rome, but she lived here for 13 years and I grew up with her in my life. Her job is to heal people, she puts her hands on the ill and finds what is wrong and then heals them with her hands, something like reike. She wasn't feeling well and they took xrays... they found a spot on her lungs... it's cancer. A part of me died. I started to cry and flip the fuck out. She can't die, not now. They don't know how bad it is. The woman who heals others is stricken with lung cancer and can't heal herself tell me where that is fair? Again my Holidays filled with pain.

I still had the party, I wasn't going to let that let me down. I had a good time and when the clock struck midnight I cried like a baby. Missing everyone and feeling the pain all over again. I thought of my brother, my parents, my other brothers and my sister and my niece and my aunt, I felt emptiness and sadness overwhelm me. Then I cried because I was so happy to be with all those around me. I was an emotional basket case. So as I was leaving 2005 I am now going to 2006 hoping for a less painful life.

Update

2005-12-22T12:18:00.000-05:00

So my mamma's results came back, she came up negative for the worst case of lupus, but positive for lupus, still don't know what kind but she has it. My roommate said he was going to be home but he never came home. So he's leaving supposedly, Friday, which in my eyes he's already gone because he's been sleeping at his new place and all his stuff has been gone since Monday. What ever! I got my bonus and it's going straight to my parents so they can pay my car insurance, it's under my father's name. I feel like royal shit, this strike is wearing me out. I walked for 45 minutes yesterday to get to my friend Ann's car to get a ride home. Not fun in the cold, immune system not good. Don't be surprised if I blog later on how sick I am. Christmas is almost here and being an atheist I'm going to go give support to my family. Go there and be with them. That's how I see it, a night of getting together and eating a lot of food. Mia is looking into her bedroom furniture and she'll be moving in soon. We're planning a New Year's Eve party at our place and well I'll let you know how that goes. This time of year saddens me. It reminds me of my brother Martino who passed away 11 years in January and of course January is a hard month for me too. 1994 Christmas was the last Christmas we had together, when he surprised his girlfriend and all of us that he was taking her to Mexico. She jumped on him like a little girl as the excitement sparked out of her. Much did we all know it was not a great trip. He left January 10th I think, and died there on January 16th, he never came home. He died 8 days before his 31st birthday. Well now typing this hurts my heart and the emptiness seem so much deeper. New Year's Eve in 1994 was the first time I didn't get to spend with my family, my brother had his girlfriend and well spent it with her and not the family again a first. 16 days later he died. I hate this time of year!!!

An arrrrrrrrrrrg moment

2005-12-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

I came home last night and I see between my roommate and his friend on the couch a canon digital camera still in it's box. I thought it was my roommates friend's camera.

"Bought a new camera?"

The friend hesitated. Then my roommate says it's his that he gave him the money for it, but they are returning it for an exchange because what they wanted to do with it they can't with that camera they had right there.

My mind and blood went nuts!!! I thought he was struggling and wasn't even able to afford to give me half of next months rent. He said that he couldn't afford to pay the new apartments rent and give me half. When Mia is moving in mid January, so he should be paying me the half on next months rent, but only claims he can now give me $100 that his girlfriend is going to loan him. So hmmm... let's see you can't be responsible in making decisions and money and you rather dick over your roommate who you consider like a sister by accepting an offer on an apartment and give your so called roommate who is like a sister to you 2 weeks notice to find a roommate and well let's see here, she can't get one till mid January, but you claim you can't afford to pay both the new apartment and our rent...hmmm... So where the fuck did the money for the digital camera come from. HIS ASS?????

Just an arrrrrrrrrg moment to share.

To Bonus or Not To Bonus... that is the question

2005-12-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here at my desk exhausted. Feeling dizzy as my heart is racing a.k.a "not feeling well". Last week HR had sent me an email with a list of employee names and she wanted me to hand write everyone's name on an envelope. Bonus???? My name was on the list. Thing is I heard that it's a letter they put in that envelope. The envelope with a letter and a BONUS??? Will mine say thank you...blah blah blah... NO BONUS? or thank you ..... Blah Blah Blah here is your percentage raise and what your new salary is and looky here because you've been so great we feel you deserve this bonus now go ahead and pay off your car. Hmmm wondering. My review went well so I wonder if they would give me a raise and a bonus or either or I've only been here since August. My review did say that I did clean up the mess that was left from the previous person who had my position. I'm liked very much here, but does that even matter??? Wonder if anyone is getting a bonus. I know my receptionist is getting a raise, you can thank me for helping her show her how to help get her out of the gutter and back up to the surface. I helped her with organization skills and helped boost up her confidence. She had given up and well was not performing to expectation until I started to manage her. Oh well, we will see. I think we might get the envelopes some time this week. I'll let you know.

My Mamma

2005-12-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

So I get a call from my sister the other day that my mom is positive for lupus. They have to do further testing to see what type she has. Her cholesterol is real high and there's all other sorts of things that aren't going well for my mamma. Why is it always raining?

He Came Over (The Someone I Met)

2005-12-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

Is it bad of me that the only thing I want right now is his company when I get home from work and just cuddle to watch television? No kissing, just cuddling. Would that make me a bad person? I think not, but the only reason I ask is because I have this feeling that he likes me more than I like him, and the cuddling, you know a little quality time together with him feels as if he is liking me more and more. I know he likes me more than I like him. I know because he told me he has had his eye on me for a long time, that the night we finally got to hang out wasn't the first time he had seen me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He wanted to make reservations for dinner. He told me he was thinking about it the other night and how he didn't know how to choose a place because he heard how picky I am with food. I'm not picky, I just do not eat certain things, like meat and fish, but I do eat shell fish. It's the only thing I'm not allergic too. Oh yeah and I can't have any dairy. So I'm not picky I'm just difficult ; ) How do you think I feel when I have to order something on the menu? Especially when there is so much that does not accommodate me and minimal to accommodate me. But I'm happy with my shellfish no matter where I go, as long as they cook it good.

He is a smoker and that kills me. I think that might be a reason why I'm not into the kissing thing yet. I like the hugging and cuddling, I like the affection. He has tattoos (LOVE THAT) all over his arms and one huge cross on his back bigger than my freaking torso. I'm wondering how he will feel when I tell him I'm atheist. After I gone out with the girls from work last night he picked me up from the train station and when I got in the car I noticed he had a rosary hanging from his mirror. Soooo not me, it felt weird. How will he react when I tell him that it's not me? I'll just take the cuddling for now. He seems like a great guy, I want to get to know him, of course I'm the person who can sense things as soon as I meet someone. I sensed the comfort when I first met him so I went along with it. So here he is, one of my friend's brother who happens to be her twin. When I look at him I see her and that freaks me out a bit. I'm trying to overcome that. What ever happens will happen, friends or a man I will date. We'll,meaning me and all you readers ou there will find out in my future blogs. Ta Ta For Now Chhhhhaaaaa Chowwwwwwww!

My heart

2005-12-14T17:14:00.000-05:00

It was him, the man who I fell in love with. I rarely go on my computer at home and one night I decided to download pictures I had on my digital camera. I went on my aol and didn't bother to look at my buddy list. Some time had passed as I watched the percentage go up. I maximized my aol window and looked at my buddy list. I saw his name. I haven't seen his name up in a long time. He got married and well that was the last of him. I called my friend and got her voicemail. I blabbered like a teenager telling her that HE was on line and that I was going to IM him. So I did. We said our hello's and how are you doing and what are you doing and then our I'll talk to you soon. I could not stop smiling, my heart was in my damn stomach, the giddiness overwhelmed me. I felt dizzy, I felt so happy and sad. It's like I fell in love all over again. Then I went on with my life.

A few nights before I had my little chat with the lost love of my life, I had an odd dream.

I was in my childhood home and of course it didn't look the same. My mother was talking to these two brokers who were sitting with their backs facing me. I was in the corridor watching them. One of the men looked over his shoulder slowly raising his head up from his chest. I almost fell back and lost my breath. When he finally showed his entire face I realized that it wasn't who I thought it was and that would be my brother Martino who passed away. I told him that he scared the shit out of me, that I thought he was my brother. I walked away and found my way into the bathroom. On the grey counter I found a large human heart. I had it in my hand it was almost the size of a football. I called my mother over and showed her.

"Ma, look. I have Martino's heart."

"Don't show your sister, don't let her get her hands on it."

My mother wanted me to keep my brother's heart, it was meant for me to hold. Then I found myself in a mansion sized place running up the stairs trying to escape from these people who were invisible. They were trying to take my brother's heart away from me. I ran and ran and ran and that is all I could remember.

I told my mom about the dream and she told me that it's weird how I dreampt that his heart was so big, because when he died he had a big heart. Medically. He is my angel.

Then here we have a few days later a man who had my heart talking to me on line that I haven't spoken to or seen in a long time. I miss having that great feeling and after that dream, I miss my brother the most.

Another One Bites The Dust

2005-12-13T10:01:00.000-05:00

Last night, Monday, December 12th, I was sitting on my couch watching Las Vegas. My roommate was ironing his shirt and pants in the living room. I sensed something was wrong, but ignored it. He looked sad, to himself, withdrawn. I asked how his day off was, and he said it was fine. He finishes up and puts my mothers old ironing board back in its place. He leaves the living room and goes into his bedroom. Three minutes later as I was being a bum on the couch he tells me he has to tell me something.

"This man came into the store and told me about an apartment he has in his house, it's a really good deal and I want to take it before the holidays."

Okay this is when I had to tell myself, "CiaFai? Calm down, don't flip the fuck out, be calm about it."

He continues.

"I don't want to worry about fighting and disturbing. Like when I fought with Mia, I was wrong and then when me and Monica fight it disturbs you. I don't want to disturb you and I don't want to be disturbed."

"You're not disturbing me, you and Monica don't fight anymore."

He had it stuck in his head that he wanted to move out. I didn't care, he was ready to move on but the only reason I was upset was because of the time limit he gave me. He tells me he is leaving and wants to leave before the holidays. Which means, Christmas, December 25th. 13 days before he wants out. Actually he wants to leave before the 13 days as he said "before the holidays." He told me that he already found a bed that he found a good deal on for $500, that him and another friend we both know have gone shopping and bought some things for the new apartment and he has it over his girlfriends house. Now, my blood was boiling. I had to keep calm. No fight No fight I kept telling myself. So that means he's been planning this, and hasn't told me till now, you just don't do things like that. It's not like he lives in a horrible environment, that I'm so intolerable to live with. He's being a sneak on this and he blew up his spot on it. I have a quick mind and I do not forget the way someone treats me wrong. I told him he had to wait till I found a roommate, that it was going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks. He said he'll ask around, but didn't want to miss out on the apartment. I told him that he needed to tell this man that he has a roommate and needs to give me time to find another roommate. He's more worried about not getting this apartment because I probably need time to find an apartment. Tough shit he didn't care about me when he told the man he wanted the apartment. These are thing you talk through with your roommate, you give a heads up and not a two week heads up.

Come on who makes decisions like that?? He left and later on he came back into the living room as I was sitting there trying not to stress and ignore what just happened and watch television. I looked at him and decided to act on this situation, again with a calm matter.

"So, how long have you known about this apartment?"

"Oh, I just found out two days ago."

"So, you found out two days ago and you already went shopping for your new apartment, hmmm it's real funny how you did all that and never mentioned anything to your roommate." He's been my roommate for 2 1/2 years. I treated him like a brother.

He got frustrated. Hello, if anyone should be frustrated it should be ME!! "Oh I only bought" and it just sounded like blah blah blah after that. For goodness sake he already had a bed picked out knew the price on it and told the guy on the spot that he wanted the apartment. This is no spontaneous thing that happened, this is something that has been going on that he has neglected to tell me. He's been keeping his purchases at his girlfriends house, that means he's hiding it from me. I'm no fucking fool. So I'm taking my time in finding a roommate, actually I already found one, Mia. She wanted to move into the city. I didn't want to break her dream in moving into the city. I called her up and asked her

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for apartments."

"Why don't you put a hold on that and move in with me?"

I filled her in and she agreed to move in. She can't move in until mid January. I get to live with my best friend, but now it's my turn to take time on letting him know what is going on. I'm going to make him squirm. He didn't want to pay for January's rent and have to pay January's rent at the new place because he can not afford it and is afraid the man will give away the apartment by then, I doubt it if he supposedly just asked him three days ago. Come the fuck on!!! He tells me that this man is a very nice man and he knows him from shopping in the store he works in. If Mia found an apartment already I would have been fucked. Yeah I have someone to move in, so why should I be so mad? Well it's the point of respect and treating me with it. If you are an honest person you would not put them in the predicament he put me in. Thank goodness for Mia, but if she wasn't there, I would be here typing as my hair falls out of my head. So what? I have the right to get upset.

All Employees Must Wash Hands

2005-12-12T16:36:00.000-05:00

So there I am shitting in the office bathroom. I hear the door open, and I have a good guess of who just walked in, but I sit there and mind my own business. They pee flush and then walk right out the door. She didn't even wash her hands. Ewwwwwwwwww!!! That is why I always take my napkin all the way to my desk as I'm wiping my hands dry. I wash my hands grab the napkin and dry them as I'm walking out and turn the knob with the napkin. I don't get those people? What is wrong with you????

Company Holiday Gift Giving and Receiving

2005-12-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

So this is in our company handbook.

Company Ethics; Associate's Standards of Conduct. Acceptance of gifts in excess of twenty-five dollars ($25) is prohibited. Associates may not accept any gifts, favors or hospitality that might influence their decision-making or actions affecting the Company.

My comment:

Twenty freaking five flopping bucks??? Are you kidding me? So I get this card from a vendor and there's a whopping $100 gift card in there, 4 $25's gift cards. I'm so bummed. Ahhhhhhh. And the email went out to us, because I opened my big mouth and asked if we can accept monetary gifts. I only asked because someone had mentioned it a while back and I know that one day they would find out if I got a monetary gift around the holidays. I'm such a dodo. Ahhhh... I have to give back $75 or do I need to give all of my gift back, I mean come on it's a gift that they felt I deserve. It's not going to change my mind in doing more business with them. I'm not the idiot, well apparently I guess I am because I opened my big dang mouth.

I Met Someone Last Night

2005-12-11T18:03:00.000-05:00

Yes you read the title correct, I met someone last night. Shocker! I know. Someone finally came up to me and was interested in me. Yes that is right , he was interested in me.

We, meaning the girls went out for Mia's birthday. We went to a club in NYC. We had a table and drank up. I only had two drinks. One at the bar and then one at the table. Saw some friends I haven't seen in a while and then was introduced to some others. I had my digital camera and took some photos. I brought my hobby out with me. It was an awesome night. I finally met one of my friend's brother whom I totally forgot that she had a twin brother. We were all nice to one another and it was a great group of people having a good time. Eventually we started talking and I had thought the girl he came with was his girl. It wasn't and well I sort of felt a bit of an interest on his side. I thought he was a nice guy and got a good vibe from him. He would laugh at things I was saying, he found me funny. His other friend who I called the molester, had me on the floor laughing. I know I've met this other guy from somewhere else. I asked him if he had a motorcycle and if he once hung out at this one spot I thought I had seen him at. Ends up it was the same guy.

"So, did you like me?"
I laughed, he so rough, that somewhat hard Italian attitude.

I said "NO" with a firm tone

"Did you want to kiss me?"

Again, "NO"

I was dying I wanted to just laugh so hard in his face. He then was very interested in my body. Yikers. I wanted to run.

"Take a picture with me"

So I made him happy. We were all just having a good time.

So to get away from him, I went over to the other guy, my friend's brother. I felt comfortable, because I knew he was my friend's brother, so he wasn't so much of a stranger. I told him to help me. To put his arm around me when we took a picture so that other dude would stay away. We ended up having a great time as I entertained him with my humorous personality. Oh yeah that's right I have one. A personality and it has a great sense of humor in it. So we hit it off, he held my hand and all that. It was comforting. I liked it. I just have to get to know him. We all ended up going to an after hours spot and danced and danced and he would hug me. It felt good. I haven't had that in a while. So I took the opportunity and enjoyed it. He asked for my number and well he already called and I'm going to take this opportunity to get to know him. You never know where this will end, it could be a guy I start to date or he could be added to my circle of friends. What ever it is, I'm glad I met him.

To one of my ANONYMOUS readers

2005-12-11T17:48:00.000-05:00

So I get this comment.

Listen blondie, if you dedicate your time to other things than this useless blog you may find what you are lacking in life.We all know deep down inside you are a sweet person. However, its time to remove the bricks and let someone into your heart.I am sure there is one person in this world that would like to get to know you but you refuse to let people in.However, the blogs you write are short of entertainment and more of a bore. I read them to try and understand what is int hat mind of yours. That circus act needs to stop. Anyway....now that I typed something the ball is your court to reply to this mystery writer.

First off why call me blondie?

Second, you want a reply? Read my comment after yours on my blog, though why would you come back if I'm such a bore?

Third, if I'm not interested in someone that doesn't mean I refuse people in my life, I don't want to bother with that one particular person. That doesn't make me evil building a brick wall. Maybe it's the other people who can not accept me having any interest in them.

Fourth, do not tell me how to spend my time! If this blog is so useless then why did you come here?

Fifth, so my blogs are short of entertainment and more of a bore...then why are you so interested in my reply? My blog is who I am sucker. I know you read this because I told you if you wanted to get to know me take a look at my blog. What kind of life do you have that is so entertaining and grand? Nothing, because if you did you would not be on the internet reading my blog, your fascinating life wouldn't be right here right now reading this.

Sixth, I do let people in my heart... that's why I'm loved and love so much.

By the way, I met someone last night. So much for your philosophy.

Understand what is my mind? Let's put it this way.... You just don't get me!!

Have a Nice Day!

My Readers

2005-12-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

I always wonder who my readers are. I know you are out there. I then wonder what they are like and what they felt as they read my blog. So.... hello reader this is CiaFai, how are you? I would love to get your feedback. Don't be shy. I would just like to know what brought you here and what has kept you to coming back. I really don't see any comments. Why don't you change that? Thank you for reading my blog, welcome to my CiaFai world.

They Left

2005-12-01T14:04:00.000-05:00

My parents and youngest brother left today. (I started to type this the day the left which was Thursday, December 1st) I wasn't able to take them to the airport because I had to go to work. I slept in my bed with my mother, because I refused to sleep with my brother on the area bed in my living room. He's sick and there is no way I'm getting myself sick. Low immune system and with this crazy New York weather, I am not chancing it. I woke my mother up in the middle of the night because she sounded like she was choking on her own breath. My worst fear, my mother die. It scared me practically to death. Then one night she told me I sat up and spoke in Italian. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I thought they took the covers off me. Hmm I wonder who I was talking about. Anyway... It was Monday when we finally went to my apartment after being in the Bronx since Thursday. Before heading to my apartment I had to get my cat some litter for her litter box and my parents wanted to go to the cemetery to visit my brother. My parents live in Florida and never get a chance to visit their son's grave.

Like any father who is in his 70's, I kept getting yelled at while I was driving by my dad. Turn here, turn there, go this way, go that way, do this, do that, why do you get yourself so aggravated, you're too close to the car, you're this, you're that. Ahhhhhh!! My fathers mind is slowly going and he's driving mine up the wall. I love him to death. I would give my life for his. It's crazy how much you can miss your parents when they live so far away. We are a close family and to be so far apart kills me. Living with them now would kill me too. My nerves would be shot and I would be balled. I left my parents in the parking lot as I purchased the litter. I get back in and we drive off to the cemetery that was across the street. My father wanted me to stop and get flowers first. He yelled at me for the way I was positioning my car for him to get out. I was only trying to make it easier for him and for myself due to the u-turn I would have to pull getting out of the spot. So as he got out, my mother and I rolled our eyes and said he was a crazy man. He comes back with two bunches of flowers.

"Wow they're still the same. Five dollars. No more, no less."

I watched my father hold onto the flowers, I felt his pain. I felt the pain hit me from the back seat of my car. My mother. I knew this was going to be hard. Before my parents moved away, I would go with them to the cemetery and watch them as I was slowly dying, cry over my brothers grave. The weakness, the pale color on their face. Their scarred soul. I would cry more in the inside and shed a river out. I had to act strong for my parents. I had to hold them up. I had to embrace them when I had no strength myself. I had to understand that they were in more pain than me and I couldn't imagine more pain than what I felt. So that day (Monday) we went back to the cemetery, I knew it was a long time since they've been there last. Someone dug a grave up and piled a hill of soil on my brothers resting place. Thank goodness his tomb stone wasn't covered. It was cold and my father stuck two green metal vases in the ground with the plastic still on it. To watch him, put my heart right into my stomach. He put the flowers in and I poured some water I had in an one liter coke bottle. I had to be strong once again. My father stood straight and said

"Martino, we are here."

Right there and then I grabbed my parents and cried like a baby telling them how much I love them and there we were, crying. They begged me to move down to Florida, that I would live like a princess. I knew deep in my heart that I wouldn't. I couldn't take all the screaming and yelling and the old age. So then three days later they left. I love you MAMMA E PAPA!

You Never Knew Till Now...

2005-11-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how people have nothing better to do with their lives than talk about me. To add a cherry on top it's all lies about me and the person making up the lies is the person who is talking about me in general. Who, by the way is someone I hardly ever see nor speak to. From a conversation I had with her a while back about how I do not have a boyfriend and how I enjoy being single and do not want to be with anyone now. She told me that one day my time will come. It was a big conversation how I DIDN't have a boyfriend. Then time passes and this woman talks to someone else and says that I have a whole bunch of boyfriends. To put it out there for you, she was calling me a slut. Telling people that I'm with many men. Come the fuck on... are you kidding me? So, you see... when rumors get around, don't be surprised it's someone you hardly ever see or talk to who started it all.

I Wanted To Smack Her

2005-11-18T10:05:00.000-05:00

What is up with people who need to be slapped? I’m not saying hard, just an awakening. Last night, I walk out of my office into the elevator lobby and across from my office is another office. A woman walks out and gets to the elevators before me. She just stands there. Doesn’t press the down button with her arms crossed. I look at her as I’m walking up to the elevators and think, as she is looking at me, maybe I’m distracting her. So I get there and well waited two seconds. Still, no movement from this woman but just a stare at me. So I press the down button and wonder what the heck is wrong with her. So obviously it’s 5 o’clock, we’re all going home, if you are going down you are going to the lobby. Another woman had walked out and started talking to her so they both rush into the damn elevator as if I wasn’t there and trying to knock me down. Like if they have the right away to get in before me because they are older, so again the woman neglected to press the L button. I was the last one on the damn elevator. I wanted to slap her. What the heck am I her servant? Is she to good to press the button? Did she not want to get her prissy freak’n finger dirty??? What was it? Oh I know she wanted a smack on her face!

This morning, waiting for an elevator, you can either go down to the Lower Level or go up. So I press the up button. We, meaning people, are waiting for the up elevator to light up green that indicates that it is going up. This freaking chick from the whole other side of the damn elevator lobby of my building decides to run over and get in front of everyone, when they have been standing there before her waiting. Bitch we were here before you, why don’t you walk in like a human and not like a fucking lunatic. She looked at me in the elevator and because of that bitch I almost didn’t get on, sure I could have waited, but it’s the moral and respect. So I gave her the look like you better be scared of me bitch, I saw what you did! SMACK!! That’s what I wanted to do! Like children who get slapped by their parents who think they are disciplining their children. Which by the way I do not think children should get hit, only a tap on their hand telling them what they did is wrong. But heck if you are a freaking adult you know you are doing wrong and damn it, you deserve to be smacked, try to knock some sense into that selfish head of theirs.

Huffed and Puffed

2005-11-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

So, the Chinese delivery man huffed and puffed about his $5 tip. Are you kidding me???? He stood there waiting with the receipt in his hand. My receptionist looked at him with those what eyes. I told her to show me and it was signed and the tip was included. I told him it was fine and then told my receptionist that you don't need to do anything else. Then I said Thank you to the delivery man. So he huffed and puffed all the way out the door. All he had was two bags not a load feeding 100 people. I just don't get people. You can not ask for more money on a tip!!! You get what the person feels you deserve and what that person can afford!

Listening To An Annoying Voice

2005-11-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Has the voice of someone ever make you sick? Just listening to their voice, you hold back the vomit that rests in your throat. The disintegration of your stomach starts taking it's course. Your nerves all of a sudden makes your chest feel like it's under water with a ton of people stepping on it. Has this ever happened to you?

Waiting

2005-10-31T16:15:00.000-05:00

Don't you hate it when you're waiting for a phone call from your doctor? I do. Today, I called and told the secretary about how the medicine the doctor prescribed me are making me feel worse and if I should continue taking them or should I be taking them differently.

"She won't be in till 2 today, I'll give her the message and have her call you."

"Ok, take down my work and cell just in case I don't pick up at my desk."

I gave her the numbers. 3:47pm still no call. My receptionist went home on half a personal day to take her daughters trick or treating. My temp called in sick and well besides me feeling like I got hit by a Mack truck I had no choice but to cover the front desk.

So here I am sitting at the front desk holding in my urine for hours, maybe it was an hour or two, and I had to wait for freaking UPS and FEDEX to come pick up their packages. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore I walked to the bathroom in pain holding on to my cell phone hoping my damn doctor would call. Before I went to the bathroom I called the Dr's office and left a message to call on my cell. Can you believe it I had to bring my damn cell phone to the bathroom so I wouldn't miss the doctor's call. It's 4:26pm, I'm out of work at 5 and STILL no call. Unbelievable. I could have died. Ok not really I would have went to the emergency room, but come on I feel real sick. It's been a month already and all it is doing is getting worse.

Amethyst

2005-10-25T13:14:00.000-04:00

Today I wore my amethyst ring. Let me take you back to a long time ago, but before I do that, the reason I put on my amethyst ring today was because of my second oldest brother. Lucio came over last night with his one year old son. He needed to use my computer. Thing is I have a tower that my brother in law gave me in my living room that is not hooked up. I'm waiting to copy all my files on my current computer and then hooking up the tower my brother in law gave me. Since that tower has XP on it, my brother plugged it in and took my huge monitor from my current computer and started to work on that one in the living room. Then he would put the monitor back where it originally was. As he was putting the huge monitor back on my desk, it fell forward, good thing he wasn't right under it. Everything on my desk went flying. There was a box filled with sentimental things and well, it broke and everything went flying out of it. My gold medal for singing from High School. My name ring that my second oldest brother gave me, My brother Martino's who passed away, sunglasses were in there and there were other things that I can not remember at this particular moment. When my brother and I went scrounging on the floor picking everything up he found another ring. It was the ring Martino gave me a long time ago. Honestly it was a replica of the ring Martino and his ex wife gave to me a very long time ago.

I had a friend from High School who had a younger brother who was trouble. I always took off all my rings and put it by the sink in my old house where I grew up, when I had to wash my face. One day my friend at the time came over and her brother ended up coming over for some reason to talk to her. He had to use the bathroom and well he took forever and a day. My youngest brother brought it up to me and we found it strange. After he left I went into the bathroom and all my jewelry was missing. Every single day I took my rings off and layed it beside that damn sink, nothing ever happened to it till that day long ago. I was furious. I told my friend that her brother was in the bathroom way to long and the reason was because he stole my jewelry. I punched the wall almost making a hole. At the time, my brother Martino was still alive. When my brother passed away, I was so upset when I thought about the ring.

After Martino died I started working with my ex sister in law, Lucio's wife. A man at her job had this book of jewelry that he was selling. There it was. The ring Martino bought me. I saved and saved to end up finally purchasing it. It still hurts me so much when I think about what happen to the one he got me. There was a reason why I saw that ring in that book, my brother was already gone for atleast a year or two, but my heart wanted me to buy it.

So today, I put it on. My amethyst ring.

Things Said In The Office That Sounds Dirty

2005-10-21T13:04:00.001-04:00

I’ll come when I’m done.

You can stick it right here.

You’re too tight you need to loosen up.

Can you get it to work?

One Word

2005-10-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

I received an email ONE WORD. So I replied and then forwarded it to a few friends.

One Word Describe me in one word - just one. And don’t say Crazy. Look deep inside me and tell me what you find freaks! Send it to me (only me). Then forward this email to your friends andsee how many strange things people think about you. Reply it's fun

This is what they said

beautiful
Hurt
lonely
Ok, no crazy how about Insane?? LOL!! Seriously though, I would have to say Spirited.
Unique
Though I have only known you for a very short time I have to say you are: BEAUTIFUL (heart wise)

You care so much about those closest to you that even your bluntness and unreserved manner of expressing your thoughts and feelings is appreciated because they know it comes from the heart.

Though, I do see you very passionate as well

Thoughtful!
stupid! lol
Outstanding
Strange

unforgettable

i always remember you, your laughs your jokes and your fun

Ecentric

Numbers

2005-10-21T12:04:00.000-04:00

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, thei! r conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve! great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

TODAY!

2005-10-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

Why is TODAY going sooooooooo slow??? WHY??

Lactaid Pills

2005-10-18T12:25:00.000-04:00

So I’ve finally had enough courage and took a Lactaid pill before destroying my stomach with a cinnamon raison toasted bagel with cream cheese and jelly. My coworker has a box of them in her desk draw. She said they worked for her, so I thought

“hmmm…I don’t think it will work for me, but I won’t know unless I try right?”

So, she gave me one. I ate my bagel. Then being lactose intolerant…well you should know the rest.
Lactaid pills are BULL SHIT!!!

My Sister

2005-10-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

She was starting a new job. So she decided to go to the doctor before she left her old job and started her new one. The gyno said that her ovary was extremely infected.

My sister was supposed to go in for surgery and get out in two days. It’s been a week and she still lies in a hospital bed. At 30 something she had her partial hysterectomy leaving her with only one ovary to balance her hormones. She just recently went to the gyno and well, there was no if’s or buts, she had to have surgery. They found her only ovary extremely infected. Not to mention she has problems with her bladder. It all had to do with the birth of her only child. It was a complicated birth. So while in there, they were going to do surgery on her bladder. The doctors could not understand why she was enduring so much pain. It should have subsided a bit and all it did was get worse. They had found her one ovary left intertwined into her intestines. The doctor could not believe all the scar tissue that was built inside. This surgery was more complicated than they thought. They removed her ovary and while doing that they ended up digging into her intestine stitching it back up. They put something inside her bladder, for the life of me I cannot remember what it is called at the moment. So they removed the scar tissue removed the ovary and stitched her intestine right back up and then to recovery. Two days and she goes home.

Things didn’t work out the way they were suppose to. They did an emergency surgery, thinking that the fluids from her intestines were infecting her abs and her insides. They said it was deadly and needed to do an emergency exploratory surgery. They went in and had three surgeons look at the stitches on her intestine, it all looked fine, but found her appendix looking a bit shady, so they removed it. Day three and my sister was in excruciating pain. Let me tell you I’ve had four surgeries and the after surgery pain is a BITCH!!

She was in the hospital for over a week. My sister is stubborn and it gets me nervous. She has a heart problem, she told me that the cardiologist doctors would always come and check up on her, they all took a liking to my sister. Of course, she’s a great beautiful person. Heck, she’s related to me. As I called her every single day she couldn’t even recognize my voice on the phone, they had her all drugged up. She told me every single day that the pain wasn’t getting any better, she would cry on the phone and I had to be the strong one, when inside I was crumbling. In January it will be 11 years that my brother passed away and I get real nervous now, with my sister having a heart problem and having difficulty recovering. She would cry telling me that the doctors didn’t even know what was wrong.

My parents were a wreck. They had to be strong too. One day my mother told me that the doctors loved my sister so much and they did everything and anything to try and take away her pain but they didn’t know what it was. My mother also told me that the doctor told my sister that she took her from up there and brought her back down here. In other words, the doctor took my sister from dying and brought her back to life. My sister was dying and here I was in New York not able to do a damn thing. So here I am trying to be strong and go to my new job putting up a front that my life is grand, when inside I was dying.
She’s back home now, still in pain, but working and taking it real slow. Till this day, it’s been about a month, the most, since her surgery. She still suffers and still does not know what is wrong. This, my fellow readers, is part of my everyday life. Welcome to the every day pouring rain of Cha Fai’s life.

Think Twice

2005-10-17T16:49:00.000-04:00

A coworker came by my desk and complained about the bathroom. Someone left their turd in the toilet.

“I mean come on don’t you look to make sure it goes down?”

I started to think, hmm did I flush?

Sure I did, I remember looking back and flushing just the toilet paper. I know it wasn’t me because I do courtesy flushes. So no turd sticking around from me.
But just the idea scared the shit out of me. You know that having to think twice thing, like when you walk out of the bathroom people see you feeling yourself up, when it actuality you’re checking to see if you zippered up. You zippered up as soon as you pulled your pants up just like flushing it’s natural just to turn around after you are done with your business and pick up your pants and hit the handle with your foot.

REALLY

2005-10-17T11:09:00.000-04:00

On the train ride home Mia and I were talking about Halloween costumes. We still don’t know what we are doing. I told her we should get dressed up and go Trick Or Treating. Then we reminisced on when we went Trick Or Treating when we were kids. I asked if she remembered getting McDonald Ice Cream Sunday or Cone coupons. She did. We wondered if McDonalds still does that. I told Mia it’s weird how things have changed. When I was a kid there were High School students working at McDonalds, and now, they have people who can barely speak any English working at McDonalds. I just don’t get it. Now when you ask for extra ketchup they only give you two. I wish things were the way they use to be way back when.

I am not racist nor prejudice, but I just have one question. Why the fuck are Chinese people in such a rush all the damn time, especially on the train. In stores, just everywhere. Push and Shove. Have you ever taken the uptown N or Q train at Canal Street. Oh my goodness, I swear when I’m going down the stairs to catch either train I’m awaiting to find a million fucking smelly dead bums on the platform. The stench is gaggifying. Every damn morning, I vomit in my mouth and hold my breath for a good minute so I won’t inhale the poisonous air. It’s disgusting. Then there are people who take their damn sweet time going down the stairs so I have to hold on to my breath even longer, and then WHAM you almost get knocked down by some Chinese person. Are you fucking kidding me? If it’s not that, they are trying to get on the train while you are getting out, they never give you a chance to get out. So Chinese or not, I push them right the fuck out. Yes I do get physical. I swear no one has good train ethics. Then there are those people who get right in front of you and walk right into the door as soon as the train gets there, when you have been standing there for the longest time. I was there before them, common sense I have the right away, you are behind me bitch you go after me. I swear I hate people like that. Their fucking nasty ass back of their head is all up in your face, and then people say I’m crazy because I want to knock them out.

Not sure if I blogged about this incident, but I don’t give a shit and it’s pertinent to this story. My cousin was here from Oklahoma, yes that is correct I know someone in Oklahoma. She was staying out in Long Island by my cousin’s house. She had slept over because we went out the night before and well she had to go back to Long Island and I had to go to work. She took the train ride with me, I kept going and she went to Jamaica to catch the LIRR. So here we are sitting on the train, me and I think it was Mia and my cousin. She had her carry on and this dude decided to get on to the train with his bicycle and stand right in front of my cousin. I was prepping my cousin letting her know that her stop was next. As she was trying to get up the jackass wouldn’t move out of her way so she was stuck and couldn’t get up with her carry on. I screamed out that she needed to hurry up that the doors were going to close and she was going to miss her stop. So I got up running to hold the door open for her. As she walks out, I turn around and see some young Chinese man in a suit literally running for my seat. When everyone on the train and in California heard me screaming from the top of my lungs that she was going to miss her stop and they all watched me run to keep the door open for her, you know, because no one near the door had the courtesy to do it. As I turn my head I see him jamming. I yell out to him that I’m sitting right back down. He didn’t fucking care. So as he sat in my seat I went right up into his face and said

“You’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE!” Then thank goodness no one took my cousin’s seat but of course I had to go around the bicycle and finally sat down and the whole ride into the city I kept cursing him out, saying it loud enough so he can hear me and ranting how he’s a fucking asshole and not a fucking MAN!! What is up with Chinese people really now?

I'm Bringing In My Lunch

2005-10-13T14:13:00.000-04:00

What is up with people working in the food industry who cannot get a lunch order right?
Yesterday, I ordered Mexican with two co-workers. They took forever and a day to deliver it and then once it got here, my receptionist paid the delivery guy. My receptionist watched him leave and went around her desk to grab the bag she saw him put down on the side of her desk, dumb ass delivery guy should have put it on her desk. When she looked on the side of her desk nothing was there. Dingbat took our food with him. It took another freaking century to get our food and to top it off it was cold. I wanted my $3 tip back, the Dumb Ass delivery guy didn’t deserve it. It’s a good thing I wasn’t up front when he came back. I would have snatched it right out of his damn pocket!!

TODAY!!! We ordered for lunch AGAIN, because my lazy ass didn’t cook something last night to bring in for lunch today. Actually, I had dinner at my friend’s house, there were no leftovers. I was craving a shrimp patty from the Golden Crust place. It was raining and crappy out so me and another co-worker decided to order in. I didn’t want to place the order, because some way some how the people on the other end of the phone do not understand English. Maybe next time I should speak with a foreign accent. When I say EXTRA that means MORE, not I need NOTHING! Assholes! Any hoots, I had my co-worker place the order. She ordered 3 Shrimp patties, 1 Beef patty and an order of fried sweet plantains. After an hour I was turning into a skeleton, the order finally gets here. We go into the kitchen and she found something wrong. OF COURSE WHY NOT? Two shrimp patties were missing. I tried calling the place up, but the line was busy, oh I should mention that with that whole hour of waiting I was calling to find out where the heck our order was and the phone was busy. So how frustrating is that? Trying to find out what is going on with your order when the damn line is busy for over an hour. So pissed beyond belief, we sat down and ate whatever we had as I kept dialing the busy line. I get to my desk and wait and then call. The phone rings. FINALLY! This woman picks up and I tell her our problem. She said she was going to send over the two shrimp patties. I thanked her and said goodbye.

I get a call forwarded to me and it’s a woman from the Golden Crust place. I was boggled but asked her what was up. She was boggled too and we figured out the call was forwarded to me. I told her that we ordered 3 shrimp patties and we only got one. She says

“I have two shrimp patties”

“I ordered three”

Then her fucking attitude came slashing me “ I KNOW WHAT YOU’VE ORDERED, I ONLY HAVE TWO PATTIES AND NOW I HAVE NONE!”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, is this woman kidding me? Giving me attitude for her mistake oh no. I kept my cool.

“I paid for three”

Still with an asshole attitude that needed to be fucking stabbed with a knife,

“WE DON’T HAVE ANYMORE SHRIMP PATTIES”

The bitch had nerve to raise her voice this entire time. If anyone should be raising her voice it should be me, making ME wait over a damn hour for my food when you are half a block away and then YOU deliver an incomplete order. FUCK OFF FUCKER!!

“So then give us back our money”

She became less vocal and said “OK” and hung up.
NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE fucks with me and my food! What is wrong with these people, how the heck do they have a job in that industry?

BTW

2005-10-13T13:07:00.000-04:00

I am far from being BITTER! Just filled with a lot of love, humor and creativity until someone crosses the line. Then the angry impatient me comes out.

After Hour

2005-10-12T16:25:00.000-04:00

Ok so it wasn’t the AFTER HOURS you are thinking about, but it was after that lousy Happy Hour. One of my three friends received a phone call while she was in the bathroom at Happy Hour. We knew she has stomach problems, but we didn’t think she would have staid in the bathroom as long as she did. She came out all jolly and told us that she had a phone call while she was in the bathroom. Aha, so that’s why she took forever and a day. I had told someone that she was probably building her own toilet. I guess I was wrong. She received a call from a guy she’s has been talking to. I guess you can call it dating. He had invited her and the three of us to go to his apartment for dinner. He would buy us dinner. I was totally up for a free dinner.

One of our friends had to go home to take care of her daughter, so here we are Moe, Larry and Curly walking down Manhattan streets. I refused to take the train and said

“Let’s just jump into a cab.”

I was then called Little Miss Rich Girl. I WISH!!

“TAXI!”

We all got into a cab and were on our way to an adventurous night. Adventurous it was. We get to this loft, this man answers the door in a wife beater, well I think that’s what it was and some worn out jeans. He kisses us on our cheeks international style with his little accent. We were in awe of the size of the place and wished we could own a place just like it. Of course I would go crazy designing it in my own style. Again, the infatuation of being rich. We had to watch The Next Top Model, because supposedly this dude was a photographer and if I heard correctly, he had told us that he was going to be interviewed to be a photographer in the next season. Who knows and who cares?

I ordered a salad and a veggie burger, tuna and a seaweed salad was ordered for everyone else. We watched the show sipping on red wine, for the life of me I don’t remember what kind. I went off on how ugly I thought the models were and didn’t understand how they were on the show.

So from watching the show munching on some din din and sipping red wine, he played some music on his DJ turntables. He wanted to take photos of us. So we started with the innocent three friends sitting on a couch take. Then he wanted to take individual shots. This is when it got a bit risqué. Moe unbutton her shirt and took her bra off, did the whole sexy open shirt you can see my cleavage look. Larry got on the couch and started grooving the playboy look, it was fucking hysterical. Then came me, Curly. Well I was tired and had no make up on, so I felt a bit UGLY! Since I have a little experience with modeling I just did the serious seductive look. Nothing crazy. My glass of red wine took part of the shoot. Larry had a great idea for me to take photos with out my shirt and no bra and her holding my breast from behind, you know, that whole Janet Jackson album cover look. We did it. Then the three of us ended up topless and well I was holding on to my breast for dear life, laughing so hard because Larry thought she was covering my nipples when in fact those babies were bare to the lens. We laughed and had a great time.

I threw my bra back on and the dude had an attack started taking photos of me just like that. So I went with it and posed. I threw my shirt back on and walked over to a bango and started to tap it to the beat of the music. Some other chick came over, it was the dude’s friend and then we decided to stay for 15 more minutes and well thought it was late and wanted to go home. It was only 10pm, but we had to go. I left a note on the dude’s fridge.

“Send me those damn photos.”
I put all three email addresses on it and still wait upon the photos. Got an e-mail that some came out great, but still no second e-mail with the photos. It surely was an adventurous night.

Happy Hour

2005-10-11T17:20:00.000-04:00

Thursday, October 6th a few friends and I went out for a drink. Happy Hour. Well, let me tell you it was not a Happy Hour. The company was Happy doing, but the stupid wench bitch bartender needed to get her asshole adjusted.

I was told by a few friends, in general, that I have rage. That I need help, either meds or well just get help. So I’ve been trying to control myself lately.

We got into the bar and we asked for the Mango Mojito in a pitcher special for $20. The wench said there was no such thing. We let her know that it was on their fucking site. She said that she would kill someone if that was true. Like she owned the fucking place. BITCH PLEASE!! So then our next question was,
“So what Happy Hour special do you have then?”

Wench replied, “Nothing, we don’t have anything.”

OOOOOOOOOOOO, just the thought of it now makes me want to bash her fucking head into the bar and watch the blood splatter all over the place from breaking her precious fucking nose, as her teeth are knocked out.

Ok, so she walks away. I ask her if they serve food and she said they did. I asked her for a menu and the stupid braud fucking gives me a drink menu. I mean COME ON!! She deserves a fucking beating. She hands it to me and walks away, so that way she doesn’t give me enough time to tell her off and that she has no fucking brains.

She comes back and I ask her for the FOOD MENU. She gives it to me with that fake smile. She was annoyed that she actually had to work. FUCK YOU BITCH! That’s what I really wanted to say. As I was looking at the menu, one of my friends found a pitcher of Sangria for $23 on the drink menu. She confronted the WENCH and she said,

“I thought you said there weren’t any specials. I had asked you if there were any special and you said there was nothing, you have a pitcher of Sangria for $23 on this menu.”

Wench said obnoxiously, “ No, you never asked me that. I wouldn’t have told you there was nothing.”

Blood started boiling in my friend’s vein’s as mine was. I, trying to better myself was trying not to yank her from the other side of the bar and wail on her. So I kept my cool.

My friend’s eyes were getting ready to pop out as she turned to me,

“Didn’t I ask her if there were any specials?”

I tried not looking at the wench and said in a calm voice,

“Yeah, you did.”

Wench was annoyed and took our order of a pitcher of Sangria. The bitch filled the entire pitcher of ice not giving us much Sangria. When she took it out of a fridge she spilled a good part of it on the floor. GOOD BITCH get your shit clothes stained.

So wench asked me how many glasses.

“One, two or three?”

I told her “Four” Obviously I wanted four, there were the four of us there.

She says “One?”

I tried not to kill her with my look, and said “FOUR”

She came back and gave me one.

What a fucking idiot.

We ordered some appetizers. Got one and she forgot to put the other order in. DITZ!

“Excuse me, we need 3 more glasses.”

“You said one.”

“No, I did not ask for one, you said one, I had asked for four.”

My other friend vouched for me. Wench was convinced that she was right again, just the way she thought she was when my friend asked for the specials. What a fucking dumb ass wench.

So, she was annoyed and was like,

“Is that it?”
Uhh what it took me not to go into one of my rages. My third friend kept telling me that wench was starring at me. I thought oh great now she’s gay and wants me. I come to find out later that it wasn’t a pleasant look she was giving me. She was lucky I didn’t see it. I would have not held back then. Another bartender takes over the wench’s shift and the first thing she said to the people next to us as they sat down was the Happy Hour specials. I hope that wench’s house burns down while she’s taking a shit in her bathroom and gets burned. I know, I’m still working on the rage thing.

Almost There

2005-09-28T14:09:00.000-04:00

So I had a list of what was to come ahead. Here we are, ahead. So instead of blogging long ass stories about each topic, I will type a lot less to mend it all in one blog, which would be the one you are reading right now.

VMA’s - Sucked big hairy balls!! They should have called it the HHMA- Hip Hop Music Awards. Puff Pdiddy Pa Pa whhhhhhhhatever!!! He always goes over. I mean I love all music, but it wasn’t necessary to concentrate on one genre that night. I was disappointed.

September 11th - When I typed that topic down, there was something important I wanted to blog about it, but time has passed and I do not remember what I wanted to say, only that the day still brings me sorrow and anger. I constantly think about all those people who died, and how I went to NYC hospitals and put my name down to volunteer. Looking at all the photos on the wall of missing people. It is a time in my life that everyone felt what I could feel.

The Green Day concert - Awesome!! He got people from the audience to play on stage, and they did great. Too bad I can’t play an instrument, but the only one I can play is my vocal box. La la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh yeah and he masturbated right up on that stage. Again, awesome. I love going to concerts, I get so excited and mad at the same time. When I know it could be me up there and it’s really me in a seat not close enough.

Ok Folks that is it for now. I will return. Soon.

THE OFFICE BATHROOOOOOOOOOOOM

2005-09-07T20:06:00.000-04:00

Ok so here we are again. The bathroom situation at work. Just the other day I got locked in one of the stalls and had to crawl out. A coworker was in the bathroom and we laughed our asses off as I was struggling. So my situation in general about the bathroom and it could even be in a public bathroom too is the retardness that goes on. I remember at my old job some girl said she wouldn’t take a shit at work and would wait till she got home. Let me tell you if I had that mentality I would have shitted on myself ever single time. People are so embarrassed. FOR WHAT?? It’s only natural damn it.

I walk in the bathroom and right away you hear them grabbing the toilet paper and you can smell the stench. I mean come on… the evidence is right there, no need to run. I know who you are; I can see your shoes for goodness sake.

What about when you have to go in for a piss and the first thing that comes out is a windy fart? You get embarrassed. Me, well if someone is in there I either don’t even care or sometimes just laugh because I know the other person is scared shit that I’m about to blow up the place and well they get embarrassed as if they blew the fart.

One day I had walked into the bathroom and someone was in the last stall. As soon as they heard me come in, they lifted their feet up to hide. Hello, I saw your feet already dumb ass.

What about when someone is in the middle of a dump and you walk in on them it’s like their shit goes right back up their ass and they wipe it quickly, like if they are late for a damn meeting, and wash their hands trying to walk out discretely. I always wonder if they come back to finish. Oh even a better one, the person that walks in with that look on their face like they are about to shit on themselves and they see you in there and do this military turn and go and wash their hands and then walk out all distorted. You know why they came in their looking the way they did.
I go into the bathroom piss when I need to and shit when I need to. I am proud and no one will ever stop me from shitting in the office bathroom EVER!!!

STAY TUNED!!!

2005-09-03T14:42:00.000-04:00

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, things have been hectic with a new job and all and well I’ll let you know all about it, that’s if I can even remember it all. Damn I hate this bad fucking memory. But soon to come I will be blogging about the following so STAY TUNED!

****************************************

Going to the bathroom at work.

My sister in the hospital.

My nephew’s birth.

My crazy dream.

My new job.

The Green Day concert I went to.

My eye.

September 11th.

VMA’s.

The Day Before My First Day Of Work

2005-08-21T13:51:00.000-04:00

Sunday, Monday, one more day till I start my new job. Was I nervous? NO, I just didn’t feel like going. Staying home for 3 months had me spoiled. Well besides the stressful broke issue, I was spoiled. It was my me time, that I never really used for myself.

Sunday was supposed to be crazy. TimRex asked me to take his pictures from some promo package for record labels. We were supposed to go to B&H and get some good film. I told him about all my ideas, he liked them. So we had set it for Sunday to do the first part of a photo shoot. I was also doing the clown thing for a kid’s birthday party, but on Saturday I found out that it wasn’t happening. I was happy, because that meant I had more time for the shoot. TR never made it, he got busy with something else. Again, I was happy, this meant I could just have a relaxing day before my first day of work. I called Anne to let her know I missed her and to find out what she was doing. She was having dinner and had our friend over with her husband and one of her sons over. I hadn’t seen in a while. Anne invited me over. I ended up walking to her house, because the night before I had a very disturbing dream that I got into a real bad car accident. I didn’t drive all day and night Sunday. Before I spoke with Anne I had invited Hope and her friend Troy over to play cards, have wine and just sit and talk. I wanted company, bottom line. I told Anne that I would come over but had to leave at a certain time because I had company myself coming over.

I ate and hung out with Anne, the family and friends. Hope and Troy picked me up. We played cards, drank white wine and just enjoyed each other’s company. We laughed and my need was fulfilled.

2005-08-21T13:37:00.000-04:00

Saturday, August 13th was a long day. I had a block party, baby shower and a night out in a club. A MALE GAY club. The only reason I went was because one of my guy friends had to give a CD to the DJ. It was like a sauna, all these gay men where shirtless, well not all of them. I have nothing against gay people nothing at all, I don’t look at them any different than I would anyone else. Gay women, well the same as long as they aren’t trying to pick me up. Monday I start my new job and here I am with a hectic weekend.

My friend told me before we got to the club, that I would not have imagined the men I was going to see at the gay club were gay. If I had seen these men outside a gay club I wouldn’t have guessed they were gay. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t put it pass anyone. I don’t look at people for what they prefer as a lover, male or female. If it was anyone else, I could completely understand what my friend was saying.

I stood at the bar with my friend and two other people who were with us. Another guy and his friend, who was a female. When I first met her outside in front of the club, I thought she was the type who partied. By the end of the night I still had the same thought. I wasn’t going to judge her for being high or maybe just extremely hyper. It really didn’t matter to me. All that mattered was if she was cool and not some stuck up bitch. She was very familiar with the place. So from that I knew she was going to be cool. NO stuck up bitch would be a frequent male gay club attendee unless she has a penis and well… you know what I’m getting at.

My friend orders a screw driver and I bothered him about it.

“Ha! You just ordered a SCREWdriver in a gay club. You just got SCREWWED in a gay club.”

My friend is far from gay and I had to keep telling him that certain things he was doing was showing off his biceps. He would straighten up and look around hoping no one was checking him out. It was some funny shit. When he finished his drink, him and the other dude told us they had to go talk to the DJ. The girl and me stayed back, but we didn’t stay there, we walked around. Before we all parted I was checking out the scene. I watched the gogo male dancers bare ass jiggling, swaying back and forth, and thrusting their hoohoos into some gay dudes face. They were loving it. They were standing on top of the bar so I had plenty of bar asses in seeking distance. I didn’t mind, it didn’t bother me. I was sort of happy to be there. I didn’t have to worry about an asshole trying to pick me up and to put a cherry on top, an ugly asshole!

Like my friend said, there were men people would have thought not to see there. Short Asian men in their 20’s, Biker looking men, ghetto fabulous black men with a big diamond in their ear holding hands through the crowd. I watched them all and was glad they were so free but not for me.
As we were all standing at the bar, I kept catching the bartender staring at me. I thought he was gay and was just looking to look no meaning behind it. Why would there be, he wouldn’t be looking because he likes what he sees. So I thought, but still don’t have a clue. He might be bi sexual. My profile was aligned with the bar. I feel someone touch my arm. It’s him, the bartender. He extends his arm out with a bottle of water in his hand. I took my right palm of my hand and touched my chest suggesting the question
“Is that for me?”

Indeed it was. I took it with confusion and didn’t know why in the world he gave me water when I didn’t even ask for it. So I ask my friend’s friend, the dude, why and what the heck did that mean. He said…

“It means that, it’s a gay club. Take it and shut up.”

Still don’t know why he gave it to me. I took it and ended up walking with it in the club with three sips taken from the rim. The girl and me went looking for who knows who. She wanted to see if someone she knew was there. Our attempt in finding them failed. We passed by couples getting down, while one was sitting down the other one was straddling him on top shirtless. Then we passed this little room and well I only took a glance and I minded my own business. When we were at the bar I saw some small slanky Spanish dude go right up to a guy who just approached the bar. Slanky put his hand on the guy’s lower back checking out his ass and then moved him so he can check out his front. He did the back and forth thing. I’m guessing that’s part of the checklist on picking up in a gay club. Checking out the merchandise.

The girl and I bopped to the beat as we walked and tried to feel the music. We finally make it back to the bar. My friend and the dude weren’t there. Some gay Asian tried, I guess, picking me up. He touched my upper arm and giving me the eye to come over. I totally declined and kept walking laughing it off. I was about 20 feet away when I felt someone touch my arm and I thought this guy wasn’t giving up. So I kept walking ignoring the touch. Then came the grabbing of my arm, I turned around and discovered the dude, my friend’s friend that we came with. We both laughed. I told him that I thought it was some guy who just tried talking to me and he said he knew because he saw the whole thing.

Now we all reunited, going to the back bar. The girl and I danced our way there. We had drink tickets, so I actually got a drink. I’m down to one drink a night out. I watched two hot guys at the end of the bar exchange numbers and then make out and then walk away holding hands. GRAND!

Dude got upset because he saw his ex fiancé (a woman) there. He walked away from us to disappearance land. That’s when we got our drinks. We drank them and then searched for Dude. We found him slouching over a banister spying the dance floor. The girl and I were probably there for 5 minutes as the gay guy against the wall decided to dirty dance with us. It was fun. After that fiasco, the girl and I went to the dance floor as I handed my friend my purse to hold. Now he sure did look gay now. HA HA.
We went to the middle of the grand dance floor. So many men, so many not for me. It was great. I got to dance and wasn’t going to be bothered by some horny fuck. We danced and sweated our fucking brains out. It was a damn sauna in there. I was drenched. I told the girl that my bra was showing and no one gives a shit. I told her if I took my shirt off no one would care. It was great. Some guy tried dancing with her, he had no rhythm. Tried doing that Spanish dancing thing. I saw her look for help. I grabbed her and started busting the right Spanish moves. We laughed and had an awesome time. Then we danced doing our own thing. I had some guys around me cheering me on. We laughed the entire time as I kept screaming how fucking hot it was. My 7 jeans were permanently part of my legs, if I took them off I swore my skin would come off with them. So here we are two sopping wet girls in a male gay club working our way through a dance floor full of shirtless sweaty men back up to our friends. We were going to leave. We stood there and started to dance. A guy walks by and calls me SEXY. With one eyebrow up, with my watcha talking about Willis expression he started dancing with me. All on top of me. No shirt, muscles popping out. The girl saved me. He came right up on me again, we laughed. She grabbed my hand and we RAN. With my head tilted back, I couldn’t stop laughing. It was one of the gogo male dancers. Our friends found us five minutes later and we went home. Got home after 5 am. Got something to eat with my friend on the way home. It was a great night.

Closet or Hamper?

2005-08-10T13:42:00.000-04:00

I’m the girl who will wear her jeans or pants two times maybe even three times before washing them. If I sweat or dirty them then they go right into the hamper. Heck if you washed your clothes that often, you will ware the color and material out. Plus when you have expensive clothes that don’t need to be dry-cleaned you tend not to wash them so often, because you don’t want to ruin them. So you try your hardest to keep them as clean as possible as you are wearing them.

First off, why does it always seem when you take a clean pair of pants out your closet, you feel as if you gained weight? Maybe that’s because those son of a bitches were in the dryer and they made them tighter. Heck I have to suck in my belly at times, that’s why when you have a pair of pants that you’ve already worn they are already stretched to your form.

Shirts-

· First you do the sniff test. Most of the time I put them in the hamper. If I worn the shirt just a few hours and it passes the sniff test it goes into the closet.
· Check out the armpit part of your shirt. If it doesn’t stink, but has deodorant on it, toss it into the hamper.
· If you get a sauce stain or any stain on it, in the hamper it goes.

Jeans/Pants-

· You check them out front to back to make sure there’s no dirt on them.
· You do the sniff test. If they smell, in the hamper they go.
· If they fit too loose then into the hamper they go.
· If you can fold them up and they look nice and flat, in the closet they go, that is if they passed the sniff and dirt free test.
· If they fit too tight, it’s because they are still clean. Leave them in the closet, till there’s a day when you haven’t eaten a damn thing and your tummy is flat as hell.

Undies and Socks-

· SLAM DUNK INTO THE HAMPER!!

Bras-

· The sniff test once again.
· If they pass the sniff test and get deodorant on it, try rubbing it off if there is just a smudge on it and if it doesn’t come off into the hamper it goes.
· All of a sudden your tits shrank. No no not to fret, the bra is stretched out. Into the hamper it goes.
· So if it passes the sniff test and has no deodorant on it and it fits perfect, then into the draw or closet or on top of whatever it lands on in your room when you take it off , it goes. If you happen to find dirt on it, girl, what the fuck are you doing to get it dirty??? Unless you walk around in your bra eating a melting ice cream cone you have problems.

So tell me, Closet or Hamper? What do you do?

Behind The Yellow Line

2005-08-09T23:29:00.000-04:00

Mia got so drunk and I actually yelled at her as if she was a little girl. We all said we were going to make it an early night, because we all knew I was getting picked up at 5:30 in the morning to go for a little trip. It was 4 am and we were an hour away from home. I was trying to get out of the place since 3 am. You know how it is when you have a drunk on your hands (not only did I have one I had at least 3), they don’t want to leave, they try to escape and giggle their way to the bar. They grab someone and dance. They are having a blast, but they are not listening to what you are saying. They don’t want to listen and that gets you mad.

I get to my house at 5:31am I had no time to sleep, no time to wash my face, no time to brush my teeth. I walked in and changed and left Mia on my bed to sleep off the liquor.

I was going to visit someone who is in jail. The only way you can see them is if you are in their (Jail’s) system and well it’s like an appointment. So you have to make it there on that day. It was an hour and a half maybe even 2 hours away from where I lived. I got in the back seat and asked if I looked presentable. They said I did. I staid up for maybe 20 minutes and told them that I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I laid down, but kept waking up during the ride. At one time I got up and I was told I sleep with my eyes open. That’s the second time someone has told me that. My eyes aren’t completely open, they are slightly open that you can see my eye and enough for me to see you. I get there and I knew it was going to be a struggle.

I can’t have anything on me but my id and money. I go through a metal detector and have no problem, they didn’t even notice the big safety pin I had in my ear. That my friend can do some damage. We get stamped and we have to go through another door to put our hands under a black light where we have to wait for the guy behind the tinted glass to say

“GOOD”

Then we can move ahead without knowing who the man is behind the glass. We go through another door and we enter a room that looks like somewhat a cafeteria that only had brick red plastic chairs side by side. I look around and I see inmates waiting for their visitors. I felt at ease. I felt loneliness, their loneliness. So finally the person I came to see came out. I hadn’t seen him in 7 years. He was thin and looked completely different. Before I entered the visiting room I felt like crying, but once I saw him it didn’t want to come out. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s his story. I sat there wondering what it his inmates committed to be there. I had seen them there with girlfriends and their babies visiting. It was sad. I felt bad for these guys. They did something to be here, but then I thought about my friend and said he didn’t and there could be others like him there.

There were vending machines. We bought a whole bunch of food, there were microwaves to heat them up. We got chicken sandwiches and drinks. When we showed him what we got he said…

“Oh don’t you worry, I’m going to dog them.”:

I watched the way he ate his food. It was sad, it was like a treat to eat the food from the vending machine. He hasn’t had a home cooked meal in 7 years. He hasn’t had a life for 7 years. I would ask what the story was with some of the other guys there. He would tell me. Most of them were in for little things, nothing to hold my purse close to me, but my purse was in the car. I felt all the pain in them all. I was trying to see who really deserved this punishment. I couldn’t tell. I didn’t want them to find me staring at them.

When I had first walked in an officer told me to tuck my shirt in, I must have been showing some skin. Always me. Always get picked on or reprimanded when I’m not even trying to do anything wrong.

We took photos, my friend had a receipt that we were going to take 3 pictures. They had a backdrop and we stood there smiling for the cameraman. Everyone was staring at us. I thought they could probably tell I was on no sleep. It made me feel as if I looked like shit.

Every time they had to go to the bathroom they had to wait for an officer to let them in and have them watch them. My friend went to the bathroom twice and the second time he had to strip down. They couldn’t pass this yellow line that was by the exit so if we had to give our hugs it had to be behind the line.
We had one chicken sandwich left. I hate my nasty $5 salad and chewed on some sour patches we got from the candy vending machine. We wanted to give it away. We tried to give it to the guy who does my friend’s laundry, like a payment. That’s how it is in prison. He didn’t want it because he was full. He was very grateful for the suggestion. Finally we gave it to the guy who was sitting in front of us with his family, he was so happy to get it, I could feel his tear that wanted to come out. We said our goodbyes and promised I would write and send pictures and come visit again. It was hard, but I knew he’ll be free in 5 years. 5 years to go and counting.

86??

2005-08-09T23:01:00.000-04:00

Do you even know what 86 means??????? That's not a good number! Help me out here. I went from 14 to 69 now to 86 CiaFai?

Dr. Feel Good

2005-08-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

Saturday night Mia and I get to the club. Earlier that day, on my way to my nephew’s first birthday party I get a call from this guy. The story behind this guy Frank is a stranger that I might know, if that makes any sense. I had gone out with my friend Christy and her two children Tuesday. I had to buy a gift for my cousin who just had a baby girl. After Babies R Us, we went to visit Christy’s husband at his job, which is a pizzeria. We walk in and say our hellos. I go to the bathroom and when I come back, we say our goodbyes. When we got outside I had told Christy that one of the guys in there looked very familiar. He was actually playing with the children when we were on our way out. I didn’t want to stare at him because I thought it might have been rude. So I took a quick glance at him and found him familiar. Though I didn’t speak a word to him, I wanted to know who the heck he was. I left it at that with Christy, and there was no connection on where I knew this guy.

Later that day, I was over my cousin’s house when Christy rang my phone. She asked me to guess who just called her. I had no idea and like a big dummy I said give me one guess. I meant to say give me a hint. DUHHHH! She said Frank. I told her so much for me guessing, then I realized that I said give me a guess. He called her because he thought he knew me from somewhere and wanted to take me out to dinner. I really didn’t want to go, but only because I thought I might have known him from somewhere I would, but then again I didn’t. So it all came down to going because it was Christy’s husbands boss and well just to make things look good for him. She asked if I wanted his number I said no. So then she asked if he could have mine. I contemplated then told her to give my cell number.

The dude calls me and it ends up that we are both going to the same club that night. How ironic. Someone please help me. Frank tells me where he’ll be hanging out. I told him to give me a call when he was there. He was out with friends and cousins for his birthday. By the way he’s 4 years younger than me. He called while my friend was using my phone so I didn’t know till I came back from walking around the club. I figured where he would be so I went over, let me tell you, I didn’t know him from a whole in the fucking wall. I thought I might have known him from going out, but the way he was dressed totally took the mystery away. I even had all my friends checking him out, they didn’t know him. He was so drunk off his ass and bought me and my friends drinks. Hee hee what the heck, why not? He was way to comfortable with his hands on my ass which I didn’t like, and gave him the dirty look. I told him I would be right back because I needed to talk to my friend real quick. The other friend was the dude I kissed that night the cop saw my ass.

The Kissing Dude gave me his number that night we kissed. I never called. Why? Well to be honest, I wasn’t that attracted to him, but I knew I would see him again. I thought it could be a friendship. I liked the dude, to hang out with, he’s a ball, but when it comes to having some sort of relationship it’s not going any further than a friendship. So I hesitated on the call back. Then too much shit was going on. I got a call that I was getting a job. My sister in law goes into early contractions and has to take it easy. My Aunt and Uncle are here from Rome visiting and they are taking me to their friend’s house. My niece got bit in the face by a dog. I had too many things going on that were more important than me giving KD a call. Someone who I wasn’t really into in that way. He definitely showed interest in me so you would have thought he would have taken my number, but he gave me that act that my phone battery died. I said yeah sure and he was about to show me and I didn’t want to be bothered. Plus, he’s friends with one of my guy friends, if he was so interested in me he could have asked for my number. Any hoots, I knew he was there that night at the club. I wanted to apologize for not calling and didn’t want to make things awkward. He told me not to stress about it. HA is this guy kidding me? I wasn’t stressing at all I was just being respectful and considerate. I felt bad so I thought to make things better. So it turns out that he’s more interested talking to other people and in some crazy way it had upset me. I wanted to have a good time with him, meaning dance and bullshit. It never works out that way. Later on we ended up talking and we held hands through the club looking for our friends, we danced and that was it. He had my number in his phone because that’s how I got him to come over to me. I was in the VIP section and told him to come over. He didn’t know who was calling so when he walked through the doors I screamed over to him that it was me. Anyway, so he goes down to his recent calls and says is this your number? And it was, so he supposedly saved it. He said ok. Never got a call. I don’t care and I do. I just thought it was crazy how I never have any guys around to talk to in a club and that one night I had two. One who was a complete dumb ass drunk and the other who didn’t care to see me. My friends kept telling me that they can see that he likes me. I told them PLEASE! He doesn’t and I don’t care.
I went back to my friends who were near Frank and then I guess he must of sensed the annoyance I had with him so he went to give me a handshake to say it was nice and he had to go. HA!! Dumped twice and I didn’t even want either of them. What bothers me is that it would have been nice, that at least one person would walk away that night liking me in some sort of way. It just makes me feel good.

Hide It

2005-08-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

Saturday was my nephew’s first birthday party. My sister in law is already having contractions for her 2nd child. She was feeling all right for my nephew’s birthday; thank goodness imagine having the baby on her son’s first birthday party? I finally arrived to the party late. I swear it wasn’t my fault; I rather not get into the reason. When I get to the party, I already here the complaints the sarcasms that I’m late. If anyone else is ever involved in coming with me or me waiting on people, it’s destined that I will be late. If I’m going on my own, I’m on time. So it just always seems that I’m late because I’m always bringing someone with me.

I spotted the birthday boy. He was in his diaper and wearing cute yellow shorts. He had no shirt on and all I wanted to do was blow farts on his chest with my mouth and kiss him. Not because he’s my nephew, and I know you hear that line all the time, but he is too freaking cute. I brought my little air pump and my brother and sister in law supplied me with balloons. I made my nephew a mouse. The kids all came around and I made animal balloons for them. It was so hot out; I felt the sweat drip down the back of my legs. The heat drained me out. I had to keep up my spirits and not show anyone how tired I really was. So I went on.

My cousin arrived with her husband and two children. I had their x-mas gifts from last year in my trunk. I never got around to bringing it to them. It was that or I kept forgetting it at home when I did go visit. I know I’m a dumb ass. Thank goodness the outfits I got them were actually too big for last year and will fit them this year. I went to my car and grabbed the gifts from my trunk. I walked down the metal stairs and well slipped on the second step. There were children at the bottom of the stairs and I didn’t want to let go of the gifts because they would end up hitting the kids below. With my left hand I gripped the gifts like if I was holding a bag of groceries real tight and with my right hand reached out for the railing. It stopped me from going down the stairs, but it didn’t stop me from hitting the wall, which by the way this was outside and it was a rocky wall. I felt my shoulder twist, and my knee crash into the wall real hard. To tell you the truth, it scared me. It went in slow motion and it felt like it was never going to end. Once I hit the wall and finally got a grip of myself I got up with pain throbbing through my leg. I don’t know how, but my left index finger was killing me. I touched it and it felt as if my knuckle wasn’t in place. I had people touch it but they couldn’t seem to find what I was talking about. Finally later it went back down. Must have been a vein or something that was just swollen near my knuckle. Later on, I found a nice lump above my right knee with bloody scuffs on it. The blood had dried up. It was getting late and Mia and I had to go to a club to go see Tim Rex perform with Veronica. I was tired as fuck, but once again, I had to hide it.

69???????????????????????????

2005-08-09T00:21:00.000-04:00

69??? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT?? I was at 14 now I’m at 69? WHHHHHHHHHATTTTTTT?? Please correct that will ya! ; )~

DO YOU KNOW...

2005-08-08T23:53:00.000-04:00

Do you know what I love?? Well of course you don’t. One of the things I love is the smell of the heated pavement on a hot summer day that has just been drenched with the rain. It’s weird how it brings back memories of my old house as a child. Like sitting on my stoop and watch the rain as it hit the awning. Thunderstorms were so soothing to me. I loved doing that when I was a child and till this day I still do, but I don’t live in that great house anymore, which by the way my mom thought was hexed. I remember walking out in the rain barefoot and just walking around the outside of my house. Now, I hardly get the chance to do that. I can’t tell you exactly when it was, but it had to be probably a month or so ago, I did walk in the rain and it felt damn good. The only reason it happened was because I had no choice. It started raining and well when I parked my car I realized I had no umbrella. I felt something come over me. I felt young again. I felt all the crazy things in my life evaporate and as I walked out of my car I started walking in the rain. I always wanted to walk in the rain real slow with a guy and now as I’m older a man. To hold hands not saying a word to one another. Then we would chase each other and bend over holding our stomachs gasping for air from laughing so hard.

Tonight it is raining and here I am stuck in my house. Thing is, tonight I really want company in the rain. So as you can see I don’t have any, and instead, I’m typing this up.

I had an interesting weekend. I realized that I haven’t picked up my black book. My black book is my lyric book where I create all the magic. I got very upset thinking about it because I’ve come to disappoint myself. I haven’t written a song in a long time, and to tell you the truth I have put my writing into something else. My friend the place is…. HERE! For you! TO READ! I have written over 50 songs and there were times I would write at least 2 or 3 songs on my train ride home or on my way to work. I start my new job next Monday and I had promised myself yes that is correct I made a promise to the most important person to me well that should matter to me. And that is me. It’s about time I think about myself and listen to my dream. I would love to share my songs with all of you out there, because that is the main reason why I write them, well besides the part of me singing them and getting radio time on it, it’s for you, all of you out there to listen to. To relate to, to sing to. To go gaga over me. Ok no not really. But I can’t, I can’t share that part of my life with you, because you see, we have fuckers out there and those fuckers like to steal. They like to steal someone’s dream and make it their own and say

“Hey lookie here, look what I came up with all by my lonesome stealing fucking self.”

Ok they don’t mention the stealing. Poof my dream is gone and well no one wants to do that to Cia Fai, because Cia Fai will torment you and welllllll chop each finger off your stealing fucking low life piece of shit hands and wellllllll make you suffer till you bleed, TO DEATH. Then, I’ll sing you my happiest song I’ve written. So this is the end of this blog and I will write about the rest of my weekend on other blogs because I know I have the tendency to write way tooooooooooo much and your eyes probably get tired and blah blah blah oh wait am I still typing??? STOPPED!

585

2005-08-05T16:57:00.000-04:00

Thank goodness for caller ID. I kept getting this call from a 585 number; I even looked it up on the Internet, but couldn’t come up with anything. BIG MAC even looked it up for me, but the only thing he could find out was it was from UPSTATE. BIG MAC called the number back and got a busy signal. He tried again later that day and it rang, but no one answered. I know a few people who live in Upstate, so I thought to answer the phone the next time they called.

I was getting ready to go somewhere but for the heck of me I cannot remember where I was going. Of course this is when I’ll get the call, when I need to get the heck out of my house as soon as possible. I sat there in my robe wet, slowly drying. The phone rang; I saw the number and still hesitated but picked it up anyway. It was some dude, and it definitely wasn’t a voice I recognized. NOW I was upset. I knew this fucker was going to bother me. He mentioned some hospital name. New York blah blah. I was thinking before this call that in general it might be one of those Verizon, Con Edison… you know one of my bills… calling asking for money, so I ignored them, but when BIG MAC said Upstate, I thought different.

So I had answered in an annoying manner.

“Is this about the $35?”

“Yes, it is. Thank you.”

“I sent a check a long time ago, and I still get notices that you never received it. So I sent another one a long time ago again”

“You did?, well we still haven’t received it.”

So I went on and on about how I’m not sending another check because I already paid for it. He went on and on how he didn’t get it. So I was like it was over two years ago. I was so upset about how they are still bothering me about it.

I thought this freaking call was for a bill from the emergency room. Two years ago or so, I thought I was dying. My brother took me to the emergency room. It ended up being the flu, which was real bad and a bad case of bronchitis. Hence, the feeling of death coming. The hospital sent me the bill for $35 for the emergency visit. I didn’t pay right away, because I was so sick. Once I got a notice I sent in a payment. They never got it so I got another notice and I called my bank and they said it was never cashed so I sent another check. I never received a notice again; well I don’t think I did.

So here’s this dude asking me for my money. It wasn’t for the emergency visit. It was for a hospital asking for a donation for their equipment. I remembered at that moment when he clarified who the fuck he was, that I had received something in the mail asking for a donation. I ripped it up and threw it out. Are they fucking kidding me? They always find some way to charge you for something when you go to the doctors or the hospital and they called me out of all people to donate money? The girl who is more broke than the bum who sits outside Eckards asking for money. The girl who is unemployed at the moment. The girl who is struggling and trying not to stress the fuck out because of it. By the way I finally got a job. Got the call this week. Any hoots, I told him I wasn’t donating because I have no money and I’m unemployed at the moment. The dude went on and fucking on about a story of when he was struggling. I had to open my big fucking mouth about how I hardly have any money and with what I have I’d rather use it on my medicine. I had to cut this fucker off and say

“Listen I don’t mean to cut you off, but I was on my way out somewhere.”

Then I hung up. Can you fucking believe it? A hospital calling asking for money.

Fuck YOU! YOU GET NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH TING FROM ME!! You should be donating to me! So if you get a 585 number and on your caller id it shows that instead of a name don’t pick up. It’s the hospital wanting to burn a hole in your pockets.

Have you ever got these kind of calls?

Golden Shower

2005-08-03T22:50:00.000-04:00

I take my clothes off in the heat, as my sweat drips down to my neck. I look in the mirror and take down my hair. The sensation doesn’t hit me yet, so I slip in and soak myself. I’m at ease and don’t want it to escape me.

As I touch my body, this feeling overwhelms me. I look down and make sure it’s all clear. I let it go. Then… I watch it go down the drain.

Honestly people, do you hold it in or do you just let it go?

I’m talking about when you are in the shower, and all of a sudden, you have to pee. I usually go right before I get into the shower but of course there are times I don’t have to go so I just get in and start doing my thing. All of a sudden in midst of my shower I have to pee. I’m not going to bust my ass nor break my head to rush out of the shower to piss in the toilet. Plus I’ve done it once right after I finished showering, I had to pee once I stepped out. So my wet ass slipped all over the damn toilet seat and well it wasn’t really nice wiping a sopping wet hoo hoo. I just felt dirty all over again.

At least when you are in the shower you can rinse it off just by standing there. It’s even fun sometimes because I try to aim for the drain. It’s like a game. After all that, I let the water run on me and wait till I think I’m all rinsed off and then later myself up again.

There is no shame in peeing in the shower. Do you or do you not pee in the shower? Share your pissing story with me.

RANK

2005-08-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

Okay besides me wanting to read some comments from all you readers, I can’t stand looking at my rank. I mean come on!! I know I’m better than whatever rank I’m at right now. Shit I should be one of the top five not in the 100’s shit. Come and support me and vote for me. How pathetic do I sound?? Crapper, I’ve sunk down to this. So hit that rank button and vote for Can You Handle It? Don’t forget, you can even put in a review. I thank you so much for always coming to my blog and reading what I have to say. It makes me feel like I really do exist out here, even though you don’t know me and being anonymous, it’s that that makes it feel so great. Have a great day guys. Sorry for all the long blogs, but I just can’t help it. Once I start it’s sometimes hard to stop typing. I mean come on this blog was just for me to tell you, the world, to help me with my rank by voting and here I am still blabbering.

VOTE DAMN IT!!

Say What's On Your MIND!!

2005-08-02T02:14:00.000-04:00

Hey, little question. I know there are people reading my blog, but I rarely ever see some comments. Come on you slacker, give me some feed back. I would really love to know what was going through your mind when you were reading and finished reading my mind. I would like to hear your advice on things when I need them. Come on don’t be shy. Voice, well, type your thoughts. No one is here to make fun of you nor tell you to fuck off. We are all entitled to a thought. Mille Grazie.

From yours truly,
CiaFai

It Always Comes In Threes

2005-08-02T02:07:00.000-04:00

It always comes in threes.

Sunday Mia and I were invited to my friend Drea’s BBQ. It was also her brother giving the party. I got there at around 6pm and Mia got there at, I don’t even remember. The party started at 4. I had to eat before I went over; heck there was all meat. Couldn’t go over there starved I would have died. I had a great time and we left a bit pass midnight.

On the corner of my house there is this fenced in house, they have this huge rot wilder and well I had seen a different dog that night laying in there on my way home from the BBQ. I saw the owners come out and asked if they had gotten a new dog, she said no that it was a stray and the man who was out there with her said that they think he got hit by a car. This dog looked so sad. I wanted to cry. The woman said she wanted to kill the neighbors because they were bitching that the dog was making too much noise. The poor dog was crying. Probably because he was in so much pain and missed his owner. I just wanted to hug this dog, take him in, but I couldn’t. His chain was broke and he must have ran when that happened. My heart cringed for this dog. I wanted him to find his home. These people had to stay out with the dog all night because the animal shelter wasn’t open till 8 am the next day. Me an Mia walked a few houses down feeling really bad for him. I wanted to put him in my yard, but the woman told me he had fleas. I told her that I don’t think my cat would have liked that. This poor dog. I hope he’s ok now.

We get in and Mia gets into her PJ’s and get on line to check my email hoping someone was asking me to come in for an interview. Yeah right, nothing. My house phone rings and Mia is closest to the phone, She says it’s my sister. My heart stopped, I got nervous. My sister never calls this late. I hear Mia say

“ACCIDENT”

I took the phone and asked her what was going on that she was getting me real nervous.

Her daughter, my four-year-old niece was bit in the face by my sister’s friends dog. She told me that the hole was as big as a dime and as deep as the width of a dime. My stomach turned my chest tightened up I felt sick and felt my asthmas starting to kick in. I was scared. I asked where in her face was she bitten and she said her mouth. I asked how many stitches, she said two. Two? Oh man you got me all scared. Thing is they didn’t close the whole thing because supposedly they don’t normally stitch up dog bites unless it in the face and well the dogs germs need to ooze out and if they had stitched her all up that can’t happen. I just wanted to jump on a plane and hold my niece. I couldn’t do a damn thing. I was helpless. That only made me more nervous. I know she’ll be alright, but that’s not why I felt the way I did. I felt that way, because of what she had gone through.

My sister said that she was playing rough with the dog and ended up tripping and falling on it and the dog bit her. Her husband in the back round said that’s not what really happened. She went to go give the dog a kiss and the dog bit her in her face. All I can say is that I am glad it was only her lip and not her cheek or her nose or her eyes. That the dog didn’t get a big chunk of her face and she would be scarred for life. My sister had to get off the phone because she had to call the hospital and find out what to give her if she is in pain.

I told her to call me right back.

I get back on line and my friend had just IM’d me about how her dog was flipping out because she was trying to put in some medicine in his ear and he didn’t want to have it his ear and she didn’t know what to do.

How weird is that. I walk home and see a stray dog in pain. I felt so bad for it and wished I could take him in, but it was impossible. Then my sister calls me two minutes after that to tell that she just got back from the hospital because her daughter got bit in the face by a dog. My precious niece. I love her so much. Then I get off the phone with my sister to sit in front of this monitor and discover my friend IM’ing me at 12:24 in the morning how her dog is flipping out because of some ear medicine.
Then I was thinking about my dream, that it was my sister and my mother taking the baby off my sister in law’s belly. When my sister had to take her daughter off this dog who was biting her face. Baby crying; remember that, just read my entry below this one… well that was my niece crying in real life. Weird. That’s how I can relate my sister’s meaning to that dream.

NOT YET!

2005-08-02T01:41:00.000-04:00

I can’t understand why I cannot dream of the winning lotto numbers. Whyyyyyyyyy???

Friday night or was it early Saturday morning, who the fuck knows? I had a dream of my sister in law who is pregnant. The baby is due in September, I can’t wait to see this precious joy of life come, well really I can, but you know what I mean. I woke up Saturday morning and got all dolled up for a baby shower I had to go to. My sister in law was going to be there, because it was one of her good friend’s baby shower.

I get to my sister in laws house and saw her cute pink dress with her belly popping out. I gave her a kiss and hug and we got into her car. As we sat there I looked at her belly again and it triggered my dream. I told her I had a dream about her and the baby, she didn’t want to hear it because well she knew it was going to come true.

So I told her.

“It was so weird, in my dream your belly was real low, I pointed it out to you and said that the baby is going to come soon, that the baby is going to come now. You told me not to say that and touched your belly and all of a sudden it looked like you had a big pancake in your hand. So weird. I kept telling you the baby is coming now, you didn’t want to hear it.

From the side of your stomach I saw a baby’s head and it started crying. I screamed out that it was crying and my mother and sister came over by you and all of a sudden the baby was wrapped around your belly instead of inside your belly. My mother and sister went to get the baby and I kept screaming for them not to touch the baby that is was too soon, it was like a broken record…. NOT YET… NOT YET… NOT YET… NOT YET…NOT YET. They didn’t listen to me. I saw the baby, he was huge looked just like your first (who will be one soon) but this baby had darker hair, you can actually see his eyebrows. He had big feet and was just a huge baby I was hoping he wasn’t deformed. Then out of nowhere this baby started talking. That’s all I remember.”

She told me not to dream about her or the baby anymore, she said this baby is not coming now, he can’t, and it’s to early. NOT YET!

After I told her about my dream I had asked how she was feeling, she said that her stomach was hurting, but she was thinking it was because she was hungry.

Later on at the baby shower, she was telling me about her sharp pains in her belly. I had asked her if she thought they were contractions. She didn’t know. She never had contractions before, the first baby was a premi and they had to cut him out. I told her it might be gas then. I gave her some seltzer and she said she felt better. Later on closer to the end of the shower, she wasn’t feeling well again. I had told her if she kept feeling this way or if it got worse to call her doctor right away. She promised she would.

After the baby shower I drove back home to lend my Aunt and Uncle from Rome my car so they can do their visits. Mia came to pick me up because we were going by Calogero’s house for dinner. I cooked meatloaf, I know, vegetarian cooking meat. I’m just a fucking fabulous chef. My phone ended up in his bedroom because I had left it on the table we were going to be eating on. Who ever set the table put it in his room. I didn’t know it was in there. I actually forgot about my phone, because it was so quiet. No calls. In all honesty that was weird, but I didn’t pay mind to it. I got home around 3 am and I had seen I had 3 voicemails. I didn’t want to bother, because something was telling me not to listen to them, plus I can’t call anyone back at 3 in the morning. So I went to bed.

9:30 in the morning I get a call. It’s my sister in law.

“Hey CiaFai? I’m in the hospital.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. I jumped up.

“Are you ok? Is the baby ok?”

“You were right they were contractions, so stop dreaming about me.”

“I’m sorry, damn I knew it… why can’t I just dream of the winning lotto numbers?”

They ended up giving her some shots to slow down and hopefully stop her contractions, which were 3 minutes apart and gave her a steroid to help develop the baby’s lungs, because they aren’t developed yet. This baby better not come out yet. He’s not ready physically. His head is in the down position, but he better slow his roll, because all his organs need to develop.
So…isn’t that crazy? Another premonition.

81 and BLIND!

2005-07-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

My nerves are shot right now, my insides are shaking and my stomach is twisted. The jerking of an outburst of tears wants to come out of me, but I’m holding it back. I feel like vomiting, but I’m holding that back too. I can’t even think straight and it’s making me sweat.

My little dilemma, an old coworker has spoken the world of me to his company to hire me for a position that might become available, but it will most likely be available. He was my boss` boss. It was great that he thought of me for this position, the thing is, it’s totally in a different environment, different industry that I want to be in.

Just the other day I applied to an open position in an industry that I want to be in. I even know some people at this company. I emailed a friend there to give her the heads up and put in a good word for me. I even know the president of the company, but it’s not like I can shoot him an e-mail nor a phone call and say

“Hey I applied for a job there, and was wondering if you can tell them to hire me.”

I wish it was that easy. So I was suppose to go there today to have lunch with another friend who works there. From that point I was going to make my rounds on saying hello to everyone I know there and well hope that I could apply for some other possible openings at the company. I was also hoping that the department I applied for would be someone who I know. I didn’t get a chance to go today, because my Aunt and Uncle from Rome are here visiting and I lent them my car for a few days, but they bring me to their friend’s house as a guest.

My Aunt and Uncle picked me up around 11:30am today to go have lunch by their friends who live in my neighborhood. Yes that is correct I own this neighborhood. Around four something I had a call on my cell phone with a number I did not recognize. Petrified I didn’t pick it up, because it could have been someone calling for a job opportunity and I wasn’t in the right place to talk. I was staring down at my phone waiting for my voicemail ring to go off. It did. I hit ok and went to voicemail. It was indeed for a job. It was my old boss` boss, who I guess you can say was my boss. He left his cell and work number, just in case, to give him a call tomorrow at work if I couldn’t call him today on his cell. He was on his way back from a business trip. The man called me on his ride home. OH GOODNESS! I didn’t think he was going to call me this soon. I thought he would maybe have called in mid August when he said he would be back from vacation, but he also did say that he might want me to come in before he goes away to meet the president and other people. I know he’s doing this for me, but my thoughts are going all over the place. This job was supposed to be my last resort not my first option. I can’t dick this guy over either. So then I applied, just the other day for this other job of where I really want to be, where I feel I belong. Thing is I don’t know if I’ll even get an interview. So I’m all-nervous now, because what if I go tomorrow and it’s not a hit. I go and don’t get to see anyone because they are too busy to talk to me. They haven’t called me yet for an interview, but this other company from a different industry is highly interested in me. I’m scared to lose an opportunity with where I really want to be, if I take this other job. It’s still early for them to call me for an interview I guess, but I need to know even if I have a chance before this other company gives me an offer. So my nerves are just shot!

I woke up this morning thinking of how to tell my Uncle how I didn’t get much sleep and well I just didn’t feel like going with them to their friend’s house. 10:33am my phone rings and it’s my Aunt.

“Alzatte! Alzatte! Alzatte! Alzatte!” Translation… GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!

In Italian she told me how they were already on the road and going to the bank first and will start coming my way after that.

I felt so bad to say no. I mean who knows when I’ll see them again; they live in Rome for goodness sake and let me tell you, I am glad I did go.

I sat in the passenger seat in my own car as my Uncle drove. We stopped at a bakery and picked up some pastries. We get to the house and my Uncle pulls into the driveway. I had asked if they were sure if it was the correct house. They were sure.

We walked to the back of the house and the garden caught my eye. So many pretty flowers, basil, tomatoes, even squash and more. I really want to hook up my garden, but I need someone to start it off for me, you know turn over the soil. Too much work for me. Giuseppina opened the door and greeted my Aunt then me and then my Uncle. Once we got into the house I noticed the wheel chair at the kitchen table. Giuseppina said she was going to get her husband from his nap that he was relaxing. I knew right there it was his wheel chair. My Uncle then told me that the man Toto was blind. Out comes Giuseppina and Toto from the corridor right out side the kitchen. He could barely walk. He’s an 81 year old man, and I watched this man suffer. My Uncle grabbed Toto’s hand as Giuseppina lead Toto’s hand to his. They embraced and you can feel the love that shined from it. Toto kept kissing my Uncle’s face and wouldn’t let go. My uncle said…

“Ti ho trovato.” Translation…I’ve come to find you. It’s the Italian way of saying hey I’ve come to visit you. There’s so much more meaning and emotions in Italian.

Toto started to cry. I watched him cry as my heart fell apart. He cries out to my Uncle

“E tu mi trovato cosi.” Translation… And you’ve found me like this. Meaning BLIND!

I just wanted to cry, my heart was torn into pieces and brought me such sorrow. Toto finally greets my Aunt and oh well it just got worse. This poor man lost his sight from Diabetes. Three years ago he started to lose his sight, my Aunt and Uncle haven’t seen him for 2 years and well came back to America to find him completely BLIND. I didn’t even know the man and I felt all his pain and wanted to heal him. How could I? I don’t have the power. He finally sat down and my Uncle never let go of his hand. (COMFORT) can you see how different European men are from Americans? Very emotional and caring. My father freaking cried to Pretty Woman when Richard came back to her at the end of the movie. I didn’t even cry! They introduced me to him. I grabbed his right hand and held on to it tight, I squeezed his hand to show him that I cared. I rubbed my thumb over his hand to let him know that my heart is full of love and like I said I care. That I’m a sincere person and I can feel his pain. I was introduced as my Aunt and Uncle’s sister of the nephew who died and that I sang at the church funeral. It was weird to be introduced that way, that the only recognition these people would have of me is my brother’s funeral. My heart sank again.

They told stories and I sat and listened and put in my two cents. Great stories, I would be here all day telling you them. Maybe one day I will. We ate lunch, a feast I should say. My belly was full. It was almost four o’clock and Giuseppina had to pick up her granddaughter at pre-school. My Aunt and I went for the ride. That’s when I got that call. I didn’t answer and then listened to my message. We pick up Chiara and she can’t stop staring at me from outside the car. My Aunt gets out of the car and greets her and asked if the little girl remembered her. She didn’t. She sat in the back seat, and I quickly became her friend. Kids love me. They are so innocent and they can sense things, she felt comfortable with me as soon as she sat next to me. We looked at all her work she did for the day and she explained to me all the things they were. We get home and she gives my Uncle a great big hug and kiss. She was then told to give her grandfather Toto a hug and kiss. As I watched her go around the table Toto had his arms out where she was just standing and asked her for a hug. He didn’t even know that she had moved from there to go around the table to hug him. It was so sad. He called her his precious child. She brings him so much joy.

Chiara sat next to me and ate her pasta with sauce, she would slurp it and sauce would go all over her face. It was a Kodak moment so I took my Uncle’s camera and took a shot. It came out awesome. After she finished she wanted me to color with her. After Chiara gave her grandfather a hug and kiss a minute passed and he asked where I had went, asked if I left. They all said no that I was right here. I was right there, I just wanted to cry. I was sitting about 5 feet away from him. He said he didn’t know because he didn’t hear my voice. I watched him the entire time and felt all the pain. When we were eating his wife had asked him if he wanted some food that was on the table and he said

“Che voglio io non c’e.” translation… what I want isn’t here, another way of saying it is, what I want there isn’t any. Meaning his sight. He made a few comments about how he wanted his sight back. You can see the agony in his face, the cloud that covered his eyes. If I can only put my hands on him and he could see, if I could give my sight to him for a day and get it back I would. For him to see his granddaughter, his children, his wife, his family and friends, for him to see my Aunt and Uncle that he hasn’t seen in two years. I would have.

I didn’t get to finish coloring because my Uncle wanted to leave, he didn’t want to hit traffic. He had to get on an expressway to go back to where he was staying. Chiara had put a sticker on my shirt and then I picked one out and put it on her lapel of her shirt. We became best friends. She really liked me, she even put her foot on my leg while she was coloring. I told her I had to go, and she was sad,

“You’re leaving me?”

“Yes, Chiara, I’m sorry I have to go, maybe I can come by at another time.”

I had asked my Aunt if she was going to come back before she goes back to Rome. She isn’t. I felt so bad. I said my goodbyes to Giuseppina with an embrace and kiss on the cheek. Told her it was a pleasure to meet her and thanked her for hospitality. She hugged me and said the same and said

“Tu sei simpatica.” Translation…you are sweet, kind, sincere, loving.

I thanked her and gave her another hug.

Toto was in his wheel chair and I had bent over and grabbed both his hands and gave him a hug and told him it was me. He grabbed me and gave me kisses on my neck and that’s only because of the way I was bending over, he finally found my face and kissed me on my cheek telling me that he really loved meeting me and to come back for them to see me, come around for a cup of coffee. I then kissed him back on his cheek. I agreed and thanked him as I walked away with a broken heart wishing that one day in some miraculous way he could get his sight back. He couldn’t see me, he didn’t know me, but he felt it in his heart to invite me over again.
As I watched him the entire time, I zoned out of some of their conversation and tried to close my eyes and live in his world. I looked at the table cloth and traced the colorful flowers and wondered if he could ever see this ever again. If he remembers colors, if he remembers how his family looks. If he can just remember. If he can escape being BLIND!!

BIG MAC and BRUCE

2005-07-26T21:35:00.000-04:00

So Hope had to bring in her car to the dealership today to get her car serviced. Charlie C-mac a.k.a. as I like to call him BIG MAC and I became on-line friends. It’s all Hopes fault! Thanks Hope. Anyhoots. Hope turned BIG MAC onto my blog and KABANG we’ve been on-line friends since. So since we were in the area Hope and I went to go visit BIG MAC.

We finally get to his house, starved. Hope rang his bell as I called him up on my cell. I wasn’t sure if it was the right entrance to his apartment. He answered the door with Bruce working his way down the stairs. I was the first to walk up the stairs, and I was hoping you couldn’t see up my skirt. Though there was shorts sewn in, it was a bit baggy and well you can get a little show. Nice welcoming home, especially the dog sniffing your feet. Thought the poor animal was going to croak. These 9west sandals make my feetsies stink. Heck that is not my fault! I have clean feet, I make sure of that. So Bruce survived the sniffing of my feet that he infatuated every 2 minutes till BIG MAC tied me up and threw me in his closet and said

“SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH OR ELSE I’LL SHOOT YOU.”

Ok no not really, such a thing never happened. The dog sniffing that is, no really the stuffing me in the closet didn’t happen. I would have kicked his butt before he could blink. We decided on going to an outside restaurant for lunch. The place was closed, so we ended up on BIG MAC’s first suggestion. I had a spicy shrimp quesedilla , Hope had an asparagus grilled shrimp salad. BIG MAC had a chicken wrap. We all ate like pigs and then went driving around thinking of going to the boardwalk and ended up in another spot that had desserts. I was craving a Belgium waffle so that’s what I got, so did BIG MAC and Hope got some big glass full of chocolate ice cream. Oh yeah and there was ice cream and the works on the Belgium waffle. Mmm mmmm good! I almost ate the whole thing, but just eating a few minutes before I couldn’t take another bite. No one actually finished their desserts. We sat there and shared stories.

BIG MAC, was telling us about how his mom used to talk to cold cuts, and how she took his bed apart one night and scattered it all over the house just to play a joke. It was funny shit. Sounds like something I would do to my kids or friends. He told us about his hurricane story and how his mom cooked everything in the freezer because she thought they weren’t going to have no power and they had to eat everything in there before it all defrosted and went bad, so there he was BIG MAC as a little boy with ice cream in one hand and stuffing his face alternately with a hot dog as the stove had something boiling on it. EAT! EAT! EAT! So when his mom found out that there was no hurricane, she was like OH SHIT!! All the food was gone by then.
BIG MAC thought Hope and I were a riot, a comedy act. We kept him entertained being ourselves, much from what he thought I was from reading my blog. It’s funny, how someone pictures you in his or her mind from reading your “what’s on your mind” blog. He thought I was dark and mysterious. Well in some way I am, but very open on another hand. We clicked and I knew we would. If not I wouldn’t have even bothered becoming his on-line friend. Bruce, his dog on the other hand actually found something in me. I felt like I could see right through this dog, he was looking at me different from the way he would look at Hope and BIG MAC. He looked at me intensely, and I felt a bark coming right before he did. I knew he sensed something. I knew before he even spoke. You might think I’m some crazy whacked out bitch talking about dogs speaking to me. I really don’t give a fuck. I made an excuse saying that he might have sensed my cat, but I know it wasn’t that. It was like I saw someone else in this dog and of course I couldn’t say anything to Hope and BIG MAC. Well I couldn’t tell them there, and I never got the chance, but they’ll find out when they are reading this blog. Bruce is a cute beagle and well young in his eyes. He is protective, like any dog I know but this one is a bit different. I wonder if he acted all weird after we left. I can’t explain really what it is I found in Bruce, but it’s not a bad thing. I just find things in people and animal that are deep inside. In some sort of weird way I felt that he didn’t like me, but I think it was because I brought in some energy that he had to check out that he couldn’t recognize but wanted to let me know that this was his place. Besides the sniffing my toes he seemed to be very fond of Hope. It was great seeing her with him. It brought out her kindness to the surface and her love. Too bad, I saw deeper than just a cute little dog. It sucks at times when you just can’t sit down and enjoy what’s around, but wonder who is really behind someone’s eyes.

SHE'S BACK!!

2005-07-26T20:47:00.000-04:00

I came home today from trying on brides maid dresses and putting down a down payment to the final decision. Like an ass, I locked myself out of the house. I realized it as soon as I heard the door behind me shut. Fucking shit! Ah what a dick. That would be me at this particular moment as I stand there in my hallway hoping that miraculously my keys would appear in my tiny black purse. My poor cat was scratching the door meowing for me. Oh how I love that kid. Yeah that’s right, she’s my child. It was the cutest thing how she was trying to reach for the doorknob with her claws and screaming for me. She knew I was in trouble and well; it just broke my heart listening to her get upset on the other side of the door. I couldn't do anything and neither could she.

I stayed in the hallway because the scorchering heat was not in favor for my tired body. I called my cousin letting her know like a bid dumb dick I locked myself out and couldn't get to the bank to get money for the down payment. I finally thought of calling one of the other bridesmaids and asking if she could pick me up and bring me to the bank. Thank goodness she did. So I called my roommaker and told him that I was locked out and to let me know when he would be home, so I can get in and if I finish before he gets out of work, I would pass by and pick up his keys.

He was home before I was. He opens the door and we walk in. He tells me that my computer went on all by itself once again.

“Again?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn't this like the 4th time?”

“NO, it’s been going on by itself a lot even when you weren't here.” Meaning when I was away in Florida for 2 and half weeks.

So, I'm already convinced there’s a ghost in the house from when I first moved in here, but she hasn't been bothering us for a while. Though I know she’s here, she hasn't done anything. I guess she got lonely and wanted some attention. Maybe that’s why my cat doesn't sleep on my bed anymore. It was my cat’s haven, my bed that is. She evens slept on my bed when I wasn't home, now she doesn't even want to get on it at all. It’s so weird.
I miss her keeping me company, it brought me comfort knowing I wasn't alone.

LADY

2005-07-22T13:01:00.000-04:00

Before I left for Florida, I had asked my friend if she could baby sit my car. I couldn’t keep it by my house because of that stupid alternate side parking bullshit. By the way, they do a horrible job cleaning the streets, do they even come around? I mean come on, those people who drive those big trucks don’t really come around I’ve never seen them. The reason I know is because I have no life and stay home during the hours they are supposedly cleaning the streets. That’s what happens when you have no job. So they never come around and you forget to get up and move your car and get a nice big ticket. Not fair. So my friend agreed to have my car by her house since she doesn’t have alternate side parking. When I came back, I had a friend drop me off by her house to pick up my car. I found it and I found a lot of bird shit on it too. I was thinking I should think positive, it’s good luck. Good luck my ass! People only say that so you don’t feel bad. My car has been shitted on what’s so good about that? So as I was driving back home with no windshield wiper fluid, I was hoping I wouldn’t get into an accident. Even my front windshield was covered in bird shit. I took my baby to the car wash. She came out and well looky here, bird shit still on there. What the fuck do these birds eat?? I mean even the acid spray they put on it didn’t take it off. I was so pissed. My car is going to be ruined. How the hell does bird shit not come off especially with acid??

I’m outside watching the dudes wipe her down and spray a lot of the acid on the shit, as I was watching I saw an old elementary school friend’s mother walk by with her grandson. It was my old elementary school friend’s son. I can’t get over how everyone is even married now. Having kids, well that’s another crazy thing, I still feel like we’re still young, but we are not. I greet her and she is happy to see me, like always. I asked if that was the son of the boy I went to school with. It sure was. He was crying because he wanted his mommy. She was holding a cup of vanilla ice cream from Carvel with a spoon hanging in it. She took a dollar out of her pocket to give it to the crying boy, he must have been 3 or 4 years old. He didn’t want it, so she put it back in her pocket and he went right for her pocket like hey what are you doing, that’s mine. So she went back into her pocket and gave him all the money she had in her pocket so he can stop crying. He took the money but kept crying. Guess that didn’t work. I tried talking to him to calm him down, I had his attention but still he was upset. She said,

“Look, the lady is saying hello, she’s daddy’s friend from school.”

LADY??? Holy crap I was just called LADY, it felt so weird. I was wondering if she couldn't remember my name, that might be the case. Funny. I told her to tell her son I said hello, she will relay the message. Let’s just hope she remembers my name.

Where Is It?

2005-07-22T12:43:00.000-04:00

I never understand what happens to all the missing things in my house. I mean I have a knife set and some are missing. I don’t remember going to West Bubbah Fuck with a few of my knives and some how left them in someone else’s kitchen sink Where do they go? It’s like my closet; I swear there’s a whole somewhere in there. I put my clothes away and poof I can’t find that one shirt that goes great with these damn pants. Like this one dress I had worn to a wedding, I actually wore it twice to two different parties and when my cousin wanted to borrow it, I couldn’t find it. Where the heck did it go? I remember it being in the laundry bag with the clean clothes and I thought I put it in my closet, but apparently it’s not there. Money, that’s another thing. You put it in that secret hiding spot and poof some of it’s missing and you know you haven’t touched it because you’ve been saving it and know exactly how much there is, how many 20’s there are how many 50’s and if you’re lucky enough know how many 100’s you have. I really want to know where all the missing things go from my house. I mean I doubt the ghost has anything to do with it. That’s another thing, how come they get to live here with out paying rent. Not fair.

Will It?

2005-07-22T12:36:00.000-04:00

I started thinking again. Problem. There are times when I go to bed and wish there was someone there to hold me. Then I think about how I’ve been teased by loved. I met someone that everyone says I had fallen for. I thought I wasn’t because we were never really together. What I mean by that is in a relationship. We did see each other and every single time we did it was like seeing each other for the first time over and over again. That giddy feeling, that please don’t leave feeling. The lost feeling in his kiss. His sincerity, the way he finished my sentences, his eyes, his whole self, just him. How he told me with out words how he felt about me. There would be times we didn’t see one another for a year and when we were together again after all that time, it was like we just saw each other yesterday. That I can’t breathe feeling when I think of him and how everything in the room seems to disappear when we are together. That one night he picked my nose; I knew he was the one. Problem was we met in the wrong lifetime. There is so much I felt that words can not express, but like I’ve always said, he was here to show me what it feels like to find love and once it comes my way again, I’ll know what it is. Thing is, I have to find it again, I mean wait for it again. Will it ever come my way AGAIN?

Everyone But Me.

2005-07-20T19:53:00.000-04:00

As the water from the showerhead slowly drips drop by drop on my body, my tears soak me. I’m standing there with my chin up and mimicking an enchanted spell hoping to rid the pain inside. I made it up from listening to what I hear deep inside me. I hope to walk away feeling free, but I don’t. It didn’t work. I walked away with the pain still lingering inside me wondering why. Why do I have to feel this way? Why is it that everyday the weakness is conquering my mind? I feel like a child, fragile and confused of what is what. I try to sleep and I find my eyes cringing. Am I trying so hard? Why the nightmares? I dreamt last night that I got my self all caught up in a caution tape and it was attached to these humungous speakers that where about to fall on me because I was tugging on the tape. Everyone else went through it with out a problem but me.

ROMMMAKER

2005-07-18T15:47:00.000-04:00

My family is the best with broken English. Though my mom lives in Florida and I don’t get to talk to her every single day I still correct her on the phone. Like when she talks about Ft. Lauderdale her and my uncle which is her brother call it. Fort. Fofolauderdala. It’s funny shit. When my mom would say

“Frix”

I would say “No ma, its fix”.

“Oh ok, Frix”

Till this day she still says frix. Every time she talks about my roommate, she says

“Ehh yourah ROOMMAKER….”

“No ma, it’s roooommmm mmmmmate!”

Again till this day she still says roommaker. My roommate apparently makes rooms now. So I have my uncle here from Florida and he’s been sporting that word all weekend.

“ROOMMAKER”

Ahh La Bella Vita.

MY POOR TOES

2005-07-17T13:30:00.001-04:00

Ohhhhhhhhhleee SHIT!! What I hate about going out, is the next morning. Ok so when you go out and drink, it feels like your eyes are about to pop out of your head and your heart just can’t stop racing. Let me not forget the shits. As I was laying on my futon I thought there was a motorcycle passing by my house. It ended up being my stomach making that grand noise. One of the top things I hate about going out to a club or anywhere crowded is the stepping on my feet deal. When a guy does it, it hurts and you give them that dirty look. When a girl does it with her (at the time it seems like the pointiest sharpest cut you like a fucking knife) heal, you feel the pain for that split second and then lift up your foot a bit, and she puts her hand on your shoulder and says she’s really sorry, you let it go, I mean it WAS an accident. Now for the more I hate it part of that, is in the morning while you are taking your shower. As the water bathes your body, you have this burning sensation on your toes. In agony you wonder what the fuck is wrong, then you look down to discover you have deformed looking toes now, that all of a sudden grew twice it’s size and is red with some skin missing. How the fuck can you’re little toes get so fucked up?? I mean those damn heals are a fucking killer, I put tea tree oil on them and almost punched the shit out of the wall from the pain. Now I have no choice but to wear sandals today that will not touch the bruise. I hate that shit! There is so much that I could name that I hate about going out, but the best part is having a great time with your friends.

He Saved My ASS!!!

2005-07-17T12:46:00.000-04:00

Calogero saved my ass. Literally! Last night I went to see Tim Rex perform with Veronica singing. I met a guy, well I met him a while back and then that was it and then I had seen him again last night. We ended up leaving the club and walked on the beach. I had to take my heals off, and once my feet hit the sand it felt so good. We sat down in the sand and kissed. As we kissed I was taking in all the sounds around me. As the waves hit and the air just blew by. I thought wow I've always wanted to do this. Then I thought, wow I wish I can actually feel something in the kiss. It was just a kiss and though he was a good kisser, it just wasn't there. Understand? It’s sad but I just kept kissing him thinking that if I kept on maybe some feeling would show up, but it didn't. He’s a nice guy too, but honestly, like Cher’s song it has to be in his kiss.
Ok so now to the ass saving. As we were on the beach, I kept getting text asking where the heck I was, so I told Calogero. Then he called telling me to come back. So I did. This guy was so nice he puts my shoes back on me. So nice. Any hoots, I finally find Calogero and told him I really had to pee. So he told me the bathroom was in the back. I told him to come with me. So he did. We asked the dish boy if there was a bathroom that I could use and he said no. I was dying. I was in a lot of pain, I have this tendency to pee right away so if I hold it too long it hurts. So anyway, Calogero said to go behind this big truck, I was mortified. I didn't want to but I had no choice. The club closed and there was nothing else open. Dying, so I went. He stood in front of me blocking me and was the look out. While in mid stream he told me to pick it up. I couldn't. So I finally finished and as I was pulling my pants up some guy cop saw my ass!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He asked me if I had I. D. and I said of course I do. So he told me to come around. There was another cop there and Calogero was talking to him he must have pulled out his badge and showed them and told them that the place wouldn't let me use their bathroom. So as I walked over I apologized and told them that I really had to go and this place wouldn't let me use the bathroom what was I to do? So the cop said it was ok not to worry. Thank goodness Calogero pulled out his badge. He saved my ass!

Getting To Know Me

2005-07-16T11:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Poo,

Let me see, why am I friends with such a crazy nut?!? First of all, I was drawn to your knee and I figured the only way I could touch it was if I became your friend. LOL!!!

Honestly though, you have such personality and such an ability to make people feel so welcome. You opened your heart and your home to me from the very first day I met you almost 15 years ago. You are my friend, my sister and my daughter. Now most will say, how can someone be all those things but they don't realize that in a true friendship the person becomes all that and so much more to you. You are my friend because you have always been there for me through all the good, the bad and the down-right ugly times in my life. You are my sister because you go above and beyond the bounds of friendship when you let me cry without shame on your shoulder, when you make me laugh when no one else can, when you can tell what I am thinking and what I am feeling without my uttering a word. You are my daughter because I am there for you when you need me. I will feed you when you are hungry, take care of you when you can't take care of yourself, talk to you when it's late at night and you've parked your car 5 blocks away from home. I know the real you and I can see buried inside the tough exterior you portray to others that there is a fragile girl with a warm heart and a gentile soul. I am lucky to know you, lucky you allow me to be apart of your life and lucky to call my friend.

The person who said you are not a true friend doesn't know what the word means and therefore cannot comprehend how true a friend you are. He doesn't deserve to have you in his life or to call you a friend. There is no one truer than you Poo! I love you dearly and would be absolutely lost without you!

Love,
Me

well since we grew up in the same neighborhood and became very good friends (like family) that is why we are still friends.. i see you as a great person, loving, kind and always there for anyone. sometimes abit strange (crazy ciafai) but we all can be some times depending on our moods and how we are feeling which is normal for anyone. i think our families always were great together through our good times and our bad times and we have had bad times losing loved ones so dear to us and friends that we knew for so long. seeing our friends and families grow together has been so nice to watch. i think our neighborhood was very close knitted and true and we have had lots of fun and great memories, so dont let anyone who doesnt want to be a part of our life (be in it). we dont need them.. we have distanced abit since your family has moved but your all in our thoughts every day.

keep in touch and enjoy your life

Well to answer your questions..we are not only friends but also sisters because you are someone that can be forever trusted and would give anyone the shirt off your back. You have a warm heart and sometimes people can take that for advantage. But just know that I am always here for you whenever you need me.....oh and one last thing...you make the best guacamole dip..LOL By the way...who did you remove from your life?

Talk to u laters..

The Dream Strikes Again!

2005-07-15T12:24:00.000-04:00

It was Wednesday and it was my last night in Florida, I slept on the couch. My aunt and uncle from Rome were sleeping in the guest room, which is really my room when I’m there, but I have sacrificed it for the couch. My niece and nephew slept on the pull out bed in the living room, which by the way is sooooooooooo uncomfortable. I’ve experienced some waking mornings on it with a stiff neck or an uncomfortable whole body ache. Wednesday morning I had told my mother and aunt about a dream. My aunt told me that it meant that people were talking bad about me. So Thursday morning when I woke up I wanted to let my mom and aunt know about another dream I just had.

I never got the chance to tell them since I sun bathed for an hour and then well ate lunch and then got ready for my flight home. It slipped my mind to tell you the truth. I just ignored the dream.

Last night, I was lying in bed, in my own bed I must add, thinking of an old coworker and the reason was because she was in that very same dream I neglected to tell my mom and aunt. I tried remembering the dream and her in it. I saw her sitting the way I saw her in my dream. All I saw was her profile as she faced forward which was my right. That’s all she did. Then I tried to remember the rest. I knew there was a killing or someone dead in my dream, but I couldn’t remember. Then I finally remembered some of it when my missing luggage from the airport entered my mind. Yes, when I got back home my niece and nephew’s luggage was on the belt, but mine had seemed to disappear. I had checked all three at curb side, and even tipped the dude. So how is it that those two were on the belt but mine wasn’t? It’s because I have no luck. When my sister and my and I were playing cards I was losing, I had told my mom you know that saying unlucky in card lucky in love, but in my case I’m unlucky in cards and unlucky in love, I’m just unlucky. But of course this was all said in Italian and I just kept saying UNLUCKY through out the whole card came. It was funny, you had to be there. So anyway, my unlucky luggage was nowhere to be found.

From what I remember, here is Wednesday night’s dream.

I was in someone’s house, a friend’s, I think, and I had my luggage on the floor, but the weird thing was it was black and not red like the one I really have. There were people around, but I can’t remember any faces, I remember my old coworker just sitting in another room facing forward not saying a word, like if she was dazed out. Then there was this guy sitting at the table with a baby in his arms. So I sat next to him and started talking, about what I have no idea. I can’t remember. All I remember was putting my cheek on his shoulder for a minute, like if he needed consoling. For some reason, I took my cell phone and went outside. I stepped out and came right back in. When I came back the lights were all out and no one was there, my luggage was open with nothing in it. I flipped out. These fuckers stole my shit and ran. For some odd reason in my head I knew it was this girl who once fucked me over with a lot of money in the past. I was fuming. I get a call and it’s Mia and Anne. They called to tell me that on there way to where ever I was, they found a decapitated head on a telephone line outside the house, you know the one people throw their sneaker on. I was mortified, not only was my stuff missing, there was a killer out there. Ahhh what the fuck? So I go outside, and this time when I went out, I walked out of my childhood home. I saw diagonally across my house the head on the telephone line. It was the dude’s head I was just sitting next to in the house. I was in shock. So I said we had to call for emergency. So as I was on the phone, Mia and Anne started laughing. I looked at them and they said,

“Oh my… it’s not a real head, I swear when we came here it looked like a real head.”

I looked up and saw a mask, it wasn’t real. That’s all I remember.
Thursday afternoon after my flight was delayed, of course why wouldn’t my flight be? I get home and wait for my luggage on the belt. Not there. Wow that’s great. When my niece, nephew and I walked into baggage claim there was my brother holding his 11 month old son in his arms, hmmm weird, like my dream. Then as I went to the belt, Mia called me while I waited for my well missing luggage. Hmmm, missing luggage just like my dream, and Mia on the phone with me when it all happened. So I only wondered whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I can’t dream of the lotto numbers. Plus I need to give my old coworker a call to see how she’s doing, because according to my dream she was in a daze.

THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-13T17:10:00.000-04:00

Hello, I’m the girl who has a lot of time on her hands, so I thought to share my life with the blogging world. I thought to put my creative writing into something that would have readers from all over the world caught up on my writing and always wondering what will be next. Well “the a lot of time on my hands” comes from a long lost friend that has disappeared from my heart. As you already know from reading my blog that this isn’t to pass time. This is called being creative, using my mind and expressing my feelings and at times, it’s my escape from my crazy life, it’s my hobby and love for writing. For all you new readers thank you for entering my mind. I hope you enjoy your reading and come back again.

So this wonderful story reflects on that song “This Is The Song That Never Ends”

This is the song that never ends. It goes on and on my friends. Someone started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because,

(start at top again)

Ok so it’s Frick That Never Ends. So Hope already told him long ago to stop.

Stop calling me.Stop texting me.Stop harassing me.Stop all communication with me.Stop! Stop! JUST STOP!

It’s been a very long time since she has even spoken to him. She has come to ignore all his crazy texts as if they are still friends. He text her as if they just had a conversation about what he just text her. He text her what he’s doing that day. She doesn’t give a fuck and why hasn’t he given up?

As you know he text me all that great stuff about how shallow I am and how I am Cancer and well how he told me to blow him. That is where I cut him out of my life. He then e-mails me this pitiful email, trying to make it look like how he’s apologizing for cursing at me, but he will not apologize for the way he feels. Well that I don’t ask for, I don’t even want an apology for anything, once I cut you out, you’re out. No one and I mean NO ONE curses me out and tells me that I am not a true nor a good person. Make up lies and try to make me look like the bad person. I don’t need someone who is filled with anger to take that shit out on me. I don’t need people to tell my friends not to trust me because he isn’t happy with the truth I have told him and her and now the world. NO ONE CROSSES ME! I had a birthday that just passed. In my invitation I was in a ruffled underwear and only angel wings. Implying that I am an ANGEL. I also put at the head of the invitation what my definition of ANGEL is to me.

Angel – (my definition of Angel) A pure innocent soul that lives forever. A soul that lives in a person who is filled with goodness and with tremendous love and the reason for their life is to help others. Once they die, their soul forever lives on where they become a guardian spirit that continues its reason it was born.

In my life, I’ve always put myself last. I’m still all the way in the back of the line, and I never care that I’m so far. Though I don’t believe in a god and all that religious stuff, I do believe that there is a reason why everyone is here. My reason was and still is to be a shoulder to cry on, to be there for everyone and help them in any way they need and I can possibly give them. My mother always tells me that, I should really stop doing all that I do, because you don’t think about yourself and in the end you always get kicked in the ass. I strongly agree with my mother on getting kicked in the ass, but I must add that I get kicked real hard. I don’t do these things because I want something in return, I do them because I want too and it makes me feel good when I see someone else happy. I don’t do it to get rewarded, I don’t do it to make people like me, I don’t do it because it’s the right thing to do, I do it because it’s in my heart.

My point is, if there is anyone in my life who will try to destroy that or twist that reason, they do not deserve to be part of my life. I really wish I could have helped Frick, but the only person who can help him is himself. I tried shedding the truth on him, but he did not want to see or hear it, so to him that makes me untrustworthy to him. He has said many negative and despiteful things about me and all of it is not true, so instead of acting like him (a child) I chose to be who I really am and that is me. I am a true soul that is filled with goodness and with tremendous love, I am innocent within my heart and my mind follows. I will show you how my true friends, who are real people and see me for the real person I am and not the fictional shallow person Frick has sketched me to be. I sent out this very email to a few friends and I will blog every single reply that I get back to you. Not only to prove to you that I am not what Frick thinks I am, but only because for you to get to know me as the person behind all these words and where I come from. The only thing that you do not know is my real name. Though I’m anonymous I want you to know the person I am. You don’t need to see me to know me. You just need to get in my mind.

Now back to Frick. After sending me that wonderful email, he forward it to Hope. While all that is going on, he still tries calling her and well text her all the time. This is all after she said she wants nothing to do with him anymore and to stop. She’s told him many times. Hope is going insane. After forwarding my email he’s been emailing her. Hope blocked him. She couldn’t take it anymore, he just doesn’t understand the meaning of stop. Hope calls me today and tells me all about the new email. Once you are blocked, you get a message saying your message will not go through. You will know that you are blocked from the person you are sending your email to. So what does he do? He sends that email after that reply your are blocked message and emails Hope on her other email address. Isn’t it obvious that she doesn’t want to talk to you???? He doesn’t give up - “This Is The Song That Never Ends”. Hope wanted me to blog his email and of course I have to put in my two cents. My comments will be in italics. At the very end I will share with you my email I had mentioned above that I had sent to a few of my friends with their reply. But here come Frick first.

“hey Hope,a little birdie told me that we needed to talk.they also told me that the only way i could talk to you is if i appolgize to CiaFai....because you listen to what she says.thats is vry true.i do agree wit that .to an extent.maybe now you can understand why it hurt me so much when she told me and you the only reason i opened a recording studio was to control you.that was wrong you know that .u also know how much that upset me.so i can not appologize for the way i feel. (he keeps infatuating on that, I never said that to him) how ever i do appologize for maybe (he said maybe? That shows that he doesn’t really mean it) cursing her in a way that only belittles myself.believe it or not im not that much of a brut.so what do you say .how about taking a step back and looking at the whole picture andsaying .was i really that bad. (is he on some kind of fucking drug, does he not see he is making himself look crazy and obsessive?, he is obviously blind and stupid and thinks he’s going to trap her with his manipulative email.) did i not always look out 4 you .were my intentions always bad and never good.i know you know that isnt true. (does he honestly think because he did good things that the bad doesn’t count, Frick it’s the other way around) look i would like to have a normal conversation with you. (how can she, when he is not normal?) because i know we always have had our ups and downs.is it really hopeless..i m not asking for you back i just think we owe it to our selves to figure out whats going on with our lives.(he doesn’t need to know shit about her life it’s over between them, like he said from his other text and emails that he’s going on, going on my fucking flat ass) furthermore you need to stick up for me a little more.honestly (Why should she stick up for someone who is making her feel that he’s damaging her soul?) Hope your friends are not always what they appear to be. (that’s because we are true and real not like him which he believes he is, but he doesn’t know the true meaning of those words as you can see) and if i have a problem with your friend.well i hope that doesnt mean i have a problem with you.think Hope will ya.there are different levels of trust out there.i learned that the hard way in life.i never hurt you,(NEVER??? HE EMOTIONALLY KILLED HER) always wanted the best for you.lets stop pretending im the big bad wolf please.we were broken up.and its because you broke up with me.(Yeah so get over it and leave her alone) and i still came to you when you needed me.(that’s because she tried to be friends with him, but that obviously didn’t happen) i dont want to go in circles Hope.im not going to be alone forever 1111 says that.i learnt from alot of mistakes through out the years and i know you have as well . and the truth has always came out.in these times that might be somewhat difficult for me (difficult time - meaning don’t take shit out on other people and that includes Hope and me, but you did fucker) i do know one thing everythingf is going to b e alright.,(So leave Hope alone!) because we really are two really good honest people.def not shallow like most of the rest of this world.i have alot of shallow people around me in my life right now.(he doesn’t even know what shallow means) when i go to them for help instead of helping they take a piece of me.but thank god for the few that are true friends the ones that i know who will always have my back when it comes to serious situations . they remind me .thank god who i really am.(the Dr. Jekyl side maybe) you have known me for a long time Hope and take this advice the same way an old timer gave it to me.no one is never going to tell you to clean your face so that yo will look better then them.stop being shy call me. (SHY? HELLO THE GIRL BLOCKED YOU NEVER PICKED UP YOUR CALLS NEVER REPLIED TO YOUR CRAZY TEXTS. SHE TOLD YOU SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! SHE IS NOT BEING SHY.) because you know as well as i know you r strong and beautiful.and i promise to clean my face as well as yours: ) only if you clean mine too.you can start by sticking up for me with your buddy who s got me on some web site.a can you say some ones got just a little too much time on her hands.lol.(I’VE ANSWERED TO THIS ABOVE) i have actually been very busy believe it or not .by the lenth of this e mail it wouldnt seem it .lol.but im hustler (ok jerky, the meaning of that is TO TRICK )and thats whats i do best.you know me no girl means a whole lotta work.then again with a girl means a whole lotta work lol.any way you would be proud of me.i know i have not asked at all about your music but just so you know i still support it the same way i always had.R.S.V.P. “ (what is this a freaking invitation???)

So this is the last that I will write about Frick, because I need to stop writing about someone who doesn’t even deserve to be spoken about with my own breath I rather breathe in fresh air than toxic idiotic Frick. Time to start writing about positive people and intelligent things in my life and removing the drama. R.I.P Frick DRAMA.

Here is a little bit about me, this is for all you readers who found this anonymous blog. Welcome and Thank you.

Hello Everyone, Ok, so I'm doing this thing only for my own wondering mind. I've always wanted to do this, but never really did it till now. There are all those emails that are sent out with questionnaires asking us about ourselves, but you see, I want to know how everyone sees me, why they are friends with me. Ok.. ok... for those who know me really well know that there is another and better reason why I want all of you to reply to this email describing me and why you are my friend. Those related well you had no choice being part of me and to be family. LOL, but yes you too must participate in this.

Just this week, someone who I have removed from my life had called me names and said in all that I am not a true or good person. So, though I don't give a flying fuck what that particular piece of shit said, I just needed a little recap why I have so many great friends like you. So go crazy and describe me as you see and feel me, and I don't mean touching me. Tss Tss. I know some of you wise cracks will probably say some funny shit, but please include honesty. Now I also know that you are probably thinking CRAP CiaFai what did this fucker do to you to totally take him out of your life? Let's just say I don't deserve to be put down, so I'm asking you tell help bring me back up where I belong and that's surrounded by true people like you. Love you all. CiaFai

The replies….

Where do I begin. I'm sorry that someone has decided to describe you in that way but from what I know you to be, you are very loving, loyal, and sacrificing. I have witnessed it when we worked together, and even though we had our "play" fights like everyday, I always knew you would be a good friend and that you would help me if I ever needed it and vice versa. That is just who you are and that's why we're friends. There's all kinds of people in this world, some like this person you disowned and others like you. I prefer you, besides, you can sing pretty well too.

we are friends cuz u r a great person both inside & out. you are so pure and funny and never judges me for the choices i have made in my life. you respect me and with you i know i can have a good time and forget of my sorrow & worries, i am glad that you are in my life and most of all thank you so much for singing to my tummy when i was pregnant, no one did that and it made me feel good. i know this email will not do you justice because you are more than some words. i love you and care about you and the stupid person who shut u out of their life will regret it and it is their lose. anywayz, i hope this gives you some comfort and we are friends and will always be friends.

love you & miss you

Because you always welcome new people in your life with open arms...because you accept people for who they are, you would drop everything you are doing to be there for a friend in need...even if that means sacrificing your personal time, because you have a ray of light around you, you bring strength to me (and I'm sure others as well), you are so damn frieken funny, your silly ways make me laugh, your non-caring attitude about not being proper in front of people is actually inspiring!, because you're loyal and never talk shit about anyone...because you give everyone the benefit of the doubt if they mess up, you always answer your phone!!!!...lol you're always there for family celebrations, your loving and lovable, you have a big heart and are sensitive, you make people feel comfortable...you welcome everyone in your home and are very hospitable (and will cook them pasta with freiken pepperoncini if they're hungry dammit)...because you're such a damn good cook that you make me eat things I hate lol! because you are a genuinely deep and beautiful person. What can I say....because you are.............you.

ok who is he and where can I find him? CiaFai what the hell is going on? I leave for a couple of years and you let people get to you. what the fuck.... But ok ok I will tell you why we are friends your loyal, Honest, straight forward, you've ALWAYS been there for me, I know you like forever I was 3 you were 4. your sincere, loving, sweet, funny, crazy(in a good way),weird (once again in a good way), eccentric , original & You've been the greatest person and friend & Sister I could ever have. I Love You Man! NOW tell me what jackass dis-respected you so I could jump on a plane with my son, and he could bite his ankles while mommy kicks his ASSSSSSSSSSS.

Let me at that son-of-a-bitch!!! Are you kidding??? Someone cursed you out??? We all get on each other's nerves at one time or another but I definitely believe the complete opposite of what that person said about you. If there is anyone who is realer and truer than you, I don't know them.....well maybe me!!! lol You are never afraid to speak your mind or do the things you wanna do, no matter what anyone thinks. I believe that you are a very good hearted person and you would do anything for anyone, who is worth it of course! Again, same as me!!! lol I use to care what people would say about me, but not anymore. I know who I am, and love who I am especially now that I am older and no one can say anything to make me feel bad about myself. It's not being conceited......it's being confident and knowing yourself and your heart, and I believe the same of you. I have had my spirit broken at one time or another and it is hard to get it back, but not anymore. I have it back! Your spirit is the most important thing not to ever lose. Don't ever listen to anything bad that is said and just know that we love ya lots and hope you feel the same!!!

who is this asshole???

People love you because of your spirit. You are a loving person who would give your last dollar to someone in need.

I know that we don't see each other much or get together as planned, but, I do know that you are good people.

Rid your life of the undeserving. People come and go into our lives for reasons. Take this lesson from your former friend and continue to thrive as an artist and person.

You know........ I might know a few people who could help get rid of that problem person. hehehehe Only kidding! I would actually do it myself with pleasure for you! Well, I had no say at all in knowing you. You came with the family package. Like they say, you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends ( or nose if you like). If you weren't family, I would definitely pick you as my friend. You are a wonderful caring, kind and compassionate person. You are always thinking of others and go out of your way to help family or friends. I love you and I'm proud to call you my cousin AND my friend! Hugs and kisses, Your favorite cousin............ hehehe

Hey Girl, Well I love talking with you because, you are a real person. you are true at heart you mean what you say when you say it .You have helped me in so many ways and I thank you for that . Who ever this person is, is a complete Moron and I think he's the one that is not a good person. Your personality is great your not fake like others out there you keep it real ! As much as you need us right now we also need you, especially me!! so fuck this person he is obviously not worth the time and day . Your just CiaFai! with out you I don't know Girl! well I know life wouldn't be the same. . <3

DON'T FEEL SO DOWN....I KNOW WE DON'T HANG OUT MUCH, BUT I THINK YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON. YOU ARE FUNNY AND I THINK YOU ARE SINCERE. (NOT MANY PEOPLE HAVE THAT QUALITY). YOU ARE EASY GOING AND WE GET ALONG....I DON'T HAVE MANY GIRL FRIENDS. I DON'T HAVE MUCH IN COMMON WITH A LOT OF THEM. SO BE HAPPY......AND SCREW EVERYONE THAT MAKES YOU MAD.

Ok, how about I write a little poem. I hope you like it. The Story of Us... I've had many friends in my lifetime, but none who I've come across like I did this one time. Her name was CiaLaFai, but we all called her CiaFai, we all met in high school, the gathering place. Fifteen years gone by, and not even a fight, You know you've found a best friend when you can talk all night. You've been there for me through thick and thin, through good times and bad, when my life was a crumbling within. People should be lucky to have you in their life, someday, believe me, you'll make a wonderful wife. Men will come and go, but friends are forever, I can't imagine my life without you, we're birds of a feather. I love to spend the hours on the phone at home, just talking about nothing and never feeling alone. I can't wait to grow old together and having so many stories to share, with our kids and grandkids and anyone else who cares. :-) Fifteen years is not that long, To some people it might be, but to me it's just the beginning of A FRIENDSHIP THAT WILL LAST AN ETERNITY!

CiaFai why do you need other people to tell you what a nice person you are. I don't think your that insecure about yourself are you that you need that. You know deep down inside what a nice, kind, generous person you are. You don't need other people's opinions. That's where you run into problems. Have faith in yourself and be happy. Your a great person! Don't let some asshole bring you down.

There you have it, just a few people who do know me telling you who I am. I am who I am. I am CiaFai!

La Mia Casa E` Tua Casa

2005-07-13T00:07:00.000-04:00

It’s almost time to go back to NY, but before I think about home I sit here in my parents back patio eating dinner with my sister, brother, niece’s and nephew. My parents and aunt and uncle who are here visiting from Rome are at the Casino blowing there money away. I know there will be no big winner coming back home. We just don’t have that sort of luck. I cooked bow tie pasta with sautéed cauliflower and cauliflower salad and cucumber salad. I almost killed everyone with all the garlic in the cucumber salad. I loved it, more for me. My brother was sitting diagonally across from me. As I stuffed my face, I watched my brother checking out his own reflection from the sliding door behind me. He was flexing his anorexic looking 6’3” body. Ok he’s not that thin, but he has no fat on him at all. I almost choked on my food. No one else paid attention but me. My 4 year old niece was on a burping roll and my sister was looking face down in her plate not taking a second to come up for air. My niece Eryn was sitting next to my brother but some how she didn’t realize he was making these crazy wanna be muscle head flexing moves. My nephew well honestly he was just enjoying his food and I was happy he was eating. I didn’t say anything for a while and thought he was just going to stop. Well he didn’t. He kept checking himself out from his reflection and when he would talk to us, he was actually looking at his reflection. I thought that was hysterical. I asked him why he was talking to his reflection.

We continued to eat and there he goes flexing again. I couldn’t take it. I nudged my sister and nodded my head toward my brother. So there he was flexing and me and my sister were laughing. He flexed again, and my niece got grossed out and said

“What is that?”

I told her that it was only his collar bone. Then I almost fell of my chair from laughing so hard.

My sister decided to share a story with us.

“I remember one time when he had one tit. It’s like one tit developed and the other one was flat. It was big too.”

I asked how big it was.

“Was it as big as yours? A size D?”

As she was talking under her laugh… “No, no not that big.”

“Well was he as big as me?”

She was laughing so hard I never got an answer, but she continued with the story… asking my brother

“What happened? You have one tit?”

So my brother had answered.

“I’m working out.”

We all almost died. Funny fucking shit.

So my brother started his own story that when that happened he had to keep his one hand on his flat tit every time he went to the beach trying to talk to a girl.

I told him you dumb ass you should have said you are pledging allegiance to the flag or maybe just put a towel over that one tit.

We all laughed at him and with him. It was a great dinner.

I'm The Girl Who Burps And Farts!

2005-07-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

I'm the girl who burps after having a sip of beer. I’m the girl who just burps because she feels like it. I’m the girl who gets a big high five from her roommate when I belch out a killer burp. I’m the girl who can recite the vowels of the alphabet in one burp and fit in sometimes y. Damn I love that song!!! I’m the girl who gives a high five to anyone who just burped as big and loud as a bomb. Ok maybe that’s not possible but you know what I mean. I’m the girl who announces that she’s about to blow a fart and doesn’t give a fuck if you get disgusted. Especially in my own home. Sometimes I fart first and then announce it right after it’s out. At least I annouce it! Funny thing is, they don’t smell. The only time they stink would be if I have a real bad stomach ache, but that’s when I would not fart in a crowded room or in front of anyone who doesn’t know me that well.

So what is the deal with guys? Is there like some sort of rule about farting in front of a girl. I’ve heard people talk about it, like if it were sex.

“I wouldn’t fart in front of a girl until we’re together for like blah, blah months.”

“I wouldn’t date a girl who burps or farts.”

If you fuckers can burp and fart, then why can't us ladies do it, and don't give me that bullshit that it's not lady like. It's human like damn it! Man if you have gas right now, don’t let that hold you back a few months. I mean I do it all the time, in front of my friends and family and even one time Mia brought her friend over to my apartment that I met just once and I farted under the blanket I was sitting under on the futon with her next to me. She said it was real great meeting me. It’s a good thing it didn’t smell and she had a great sense of humor. If I found someone in this world who didn't fart nor burp I'll give them your number so you can date them. Leave your number on a comment.

I’ve been brought up that way, my family has a lot of fucking gas man. We burp, we fart and we are proud. I just want to know why people get so upset. It’s part of being human. I mean if you have never farted nor burped then you are not from this planet. As long as you’re not doing it on someone’s face, I never knew that you needed a license to fart. The air is free baby no one owns it. Just like everyone who smokes, I can burp and fart.

My friends always tell me that I better not fart or burp in front of a guy. I told them I wouldn’t do that the first time I meet him... duhh. But if we start something, then well if I do I’ll cover my mouth at first, but heck he has to accept me for me. I don’t do it to be disgusting, it’s just a damn burp, air in my belly damn it! If I don't let it out I feel like it's killing me and well when I fart, it because I’ve got gas. My farts are hysterical when they make some noise, but most of the time there’s no noise. For the record, The Silent But Deadly saying is so not true!!!

So if you are ever over my apartment don’t be alarmed when you hear me and my roommate burping up a storm. It’s only natural.

BLIND

2005-07-08T10:53:00.000-04:00

I have no clue on what time it was, but I know it was real early in the morning. My nine year old nephew and I were sleeping on the pull out bed in the living room. I hate that room, there's a big freaking window in there and that means the sun will brighten the whole room when it comes up. Back at home, my bedroom has no windows. I love it that way, DARK. So what started to wake me up was my nephew's head that was using my stomach as a pillow and I felt the urge to pee, but I was way to tired to get up. Any hoots, let's finally get to my dream.

I was at a club, with my sister and other people but all I really remember is my sister. We were at the bar and there was this beautiful man who was working behind the bar. He was tall, well built and had a beautiful face which now I cannot visualize, but I remember I thought he was beautiful. He had dark hair and was wearing all black. Time must have passed and I was on the other side of the club leaning against the wall with a baseball cap on. I had the cap on covering my eyes so I can only see up to everyone's chest. I don't know who I was standing next to, but I must have been standing with people I knew. So this beautiful man comes over standing four feet in front of me and started talking. I didn't think he was talking to me, so I ignored him. He came up to me and pulled my cap up and gave me this face like HELLO I'M TALKING TO YOU. I told him that I thought he was talking to someone else and not me. He gets real close and pressed his body against mine and starting making out with me, at first it felt like the right thing to do, but in some crazy way I felt that it was wrong. His tongue was inside my mouth and well the kiss didn't feel right. I was actually disgusted. His hmm hmm was pressed up against mine but nothing else happened with that. He had me pinned up against the wall. I just kept going with the kiss thinking this is supposed to be happening. My mouth was full of thick saliva. When he pulled away I wanted to gag on his thick saliva he left in my mouth. I think I ended up swallowing it wiping my mouth with my arm. Can you say ewwwwwwwwwwww???

Something was wrong. I couldn't see. My vision was impaired. It was like I still had my cap on all the way down to my eyes, but I had no cap on. I was partly blind. For some odd reason when I tried to look up at him, I really couldn't make out what he looked like now what he was doing but saw a shot glass in his hand. I took my right hand and put it into a tight fist and brought it all the way behind me and invaded his face with it with a hard punch. He was knocked out. He laid there with the shot glass laying on its side about half a foot away from his hand.

I stumbled over to the bar and asked where my sister was, the place was empty. I was petrified. I was partially blind and didn't know where my sister was. I didn't even drink but I felt wasted, I think that whole lacking vision thing through me off balance. Some girl behind the bar must have taken over Mr. Beautiful's shift and said she would help me. I remember looking down as I walked and my shoe came off making me stumble like a drunk. I saw myself putting the shoe back on, but it was lime green then fuchsia. When I looked up I still couldn't see all. I remember feeling real dizzy and scared. The girl was holding me up and then put me on the couch. I laid back and felt something on my head, it was my cap. So I put it on and then I felt my purse and felt a bit relieved. As I scrummaged my hand around I found my old black hat and I put it on top of my cap on my head. Then I kept digging and found my sunglasses but of course couldn't figure out what the heck it was after I analyzed it for a good 5 minutes. So she helped me off the couch and I started to walk down these stairs, the place was huge. I was screaming out my sisters name because I could hear her voice on the other side of the building. Finally I heard her screaming my name and I screamed out for her to meet me out front of the place. The girl left me out front and gave me a big hug as if she didn't want to leave me. So I stood out there waiting for my sister blind.

GUESS WHO ELSE IS SHARING???

2005-07-07T18:40:00.000-04:00

Hey there my people. Guess who else out there is sharing?? FRICK IS! Awww what a guy. MY ASS!!! So he forwards the exact two emails he sent me to HOPE. Hello I thought he was moving on? Now can't you all see how his texts are sent to everyone? It's him sending it out. I'm hoping he sees these letters in his mind soon

I

N

E

E

D

H

E

L

P

Let's hope he sends that message out to himself soon.

MONKEY ARMS!!

2005-07-07T14:28:00.000-04:00

I was playing MENO DIECI with my mom and sister. That would be MINUS TEN (card game) in English. It was hot in the back patio. My dad being the carpenter he is, closed in the patio that once went out to the underground pool. He put up sliding doors and well there goes a new room. With three ceiling fans being still I started to feel the heat. I was sitting at the table facing the pool as I watched my two 13 year old nieces and 4 year old niece and 9 year old nephew swimming around and of course arguing. It brought me back. I thought about the days when I was doing something of that sort and watching the adults playing cards inside, thinking to myself that they were so much older and well in my mind was old. So there I was watching myself get old. I started laughing. Shared that with my mom and sister and told my mom that it was hot as fuck in here. My dad was in the family room watching television and the switch for the ceiling fans where in that room. The most common sense thing to do is put my cards down and go into the family room and hit the switch right? Well not when you’re lazy. I screamed out to my dad.

“Lagnuiso, mette i fenni” “Lazy put on the fans”

“Lagnuiso tu sei lagnuiso mette I fenni!!” “Lazy, you’re lazy, put on the fans!!”

Why is it that it makes more sense in Italian and funnier?

So we all laughed giggling like little kids.

My mom gets up for some reason and I screamed out for her to turn on the ceiling fans.

She hit the switch and the fan was on it’s first slow as fuck speed and there was no difference in the temperature. My sister puts her chin up to the air and says

“Ahhhh so much better”

I laughed so fucking hard. My mom got back to the table and laughed along. I couldn't even speak and when I laugh I lose all strength in my hands that they just hang there. I laughed so hard telling my mom and sister that if someone would to throw me a million dollars right now I would be fucked. Then I made the gestures of moving my arms around with my hands limp, I sort of looked like a seal. So the giggles got the best of us and we couldn’t stop. My mom tried to pull the string to put the ceiling fan right above us to a higher speed, she couldn’t reach, my laughing stock sister tried and couldn’t reach for it. I sat in my chair dying, gasping for air because I was laughing so hard. So my mom turns around and says…

“CiaFai, accende tu i fenni perche tu hai le bracci lungi come tuo padre, pare come un monkey.”

Ladies and gentlemen this is 101 Sicilian. I am Sicilian but I speak Italian, but when I joke around I speak in Sicilian which you see above. Some Sicilians love to say a sentence with a bit of Sicilian and one or two words of English but add an o or an a to the end of it. That would be the older Sicilians.

Let me translate.

“CiaFai, turn on the fan because you have long arms like your dad, their like monkey arms.”

I almost fell off my chair. MONKEY ARMS!!!

I'M SHARING THIS WITH THE WORLD!!

2005-07-07T01:56:00.000-04:00

You see, this blog that you read day to day, is like my personal diary. There are times when a little girl and even grown women have diaries in their life. Just think about it, how great would it be to be anonymous and write about your life and what is going on around you and get comments on it. It’s some what like therapy. An outlet to let go and walk away feeling lighter. It’s comfort when someone out there enjoys your writing and can either relate or give you some advice. I love to write, there are times when I can just write a fictional story, but why do that when my life is a story and a half in itself? This is my life and I want to share it with the world and of course the world does not know who I am because I am anonymous. You see, I am a very friendly person and make tons of friends, but once a friend crosses me they are out of my life. Even if Frick was still in my life as a friend, I would still share this story with the WORLD!!! No one knows who I am and no one knows who he is. Just a guy on CiaFai’s blog. Every single time he tells me to fuck off or curses me out he adds a lol to it. BUDDY we know he’s not joking. First of all I did not send out his text to everyone! I wrote about it in my live internet journal. For the whole WORLD to read. Strangers read this and are intrigued by my writing, that’s why they are on my blog, wanting to know what else is going on CiaFai’s crazy world. So if he can’t take the heat then step away from the flames. Read on WORLD to the email Frick sent me.

“hey CiaFai ,very cute the way you sent my texts out to everyone.lol.just wanted you to know that when you sent my happy b day i was in the middle of changing a flat tire and def. not in a good mood.especially when a month ago i had a great girl who would have done anything for me,but i lost due to the fact i have a heart of gold and was taken advantage of from the cries of a woman (i once truly loved.her shallowness kills that love ) who would not let up about how she was going to kill herself if i did nt help in someway.sometimes in life when you try to do the rite thing it just never is.so basically i by my own choice spent my b day by myself.only because i wanted to see who out of the two were going to not be shallow.like i say moving on is the easy part.look CiaFai i really dont care whether you believe me or not but here is the truth.no one in this world wants to be used when they only try to do the right thing.Hope broke up with me in jan.so guess what .i moved on.same as i have anbd will again .she could nt handle that and brought me down with her misfortunes again.and did everything in her power to try and make me feel like garbage again.the new girl who i dont blame didnt want to know anything about it.so basically once again i got screwed.but thats it. no more .cause noone in this world will ever break my golden heart( not to mention theres alot of cats out there.lol.)its way to strong for any kind shallowness .i moved on before guess what .im moving on again .its like cancer you see.its all has to be removed in order to stand tall.unfortunately i will always know in my heart that i never betrayed any of you.you guys both let me down.Hope for being wicked and you for telling me and her that i was i had wicked intentions never.you do remember that conversation dont you.how i wanted to control Hope by opening up a recordng studio,sorry man thats not me.nor my style.i dont kill life. i create it.theres a sun on me for a reason it gives life.so when i hear shallow commits like that it really sickens me with disgust.it would do the same to you.or if im uninvited to a party because hey i might be dangerous or something that makes me sick as well.just a mis understood guy who never hurt any woman .never would. never will.just a good guy who will always keep on smiling with good intentions and will always keep on growing.maybe you can understand that one day.maybe not.i know one thing true friends never look at me as a bad soul.and thank god i got alot of them to remind me.oh and guess what-never opened your email about not calling Hope until after you uninvited me.like i said CiaFai im standing tall again shining some sun and getting rid of all the cancer.people got choices ya know .you can be part of the cancer.or you can grow in the sun.once again im sorry for cursing you but still i never got an appology from you especially about the controlling thing that was very shallow of you.guys like me who come from nothing dont blow 20 gs on someone because they dont believe in something.so guess what. you telling me and my other half at the time that it was done out of control .........hurt like a mother F------r.(can you say alterior motives)and mindy asking one of my frinds if i was dangerous hurt as well.and my supposively good buddy not clearing my name was deciteful as well as hurtfull.every one s got alterior motives except for real people prove me wrong.my buddy who didnt clear my name just wants me as his going out buddy because he knows im a blast thats the only time he calls .the same way you all do.remember this advice that i give there is big difference in this world from genuine determination vrs obsession.i got the determination thing down pact if you got that too then you would understand.but for now my determination is all on me def. not shallow people.obla di obla da .take it as you like .an appology with honesty .ta ta honestly staying away from all negativity just moving on.p.s. make sure yousend this one to the world too.only a real friend would do that rite .lol.and no i definetly dont want anyones pitty.just maybe a genuin appolgy if not well then im cutting out the cancer.hey guess what dont make me send this one out to everyone oh thats rite im real would never do that...prove me wrong CiaFai”

He tries to make up excuses for his outbursts. If I had a flat tire on my birthday, as I was changing my tire and get a text from my friend wishing me a Happy Birthday, I would never tell them to fucking eat me! It would put a smile on my face and it would make me feel a whole lot better. Then I would call them and tell them to help me. Can’t he see he has a lot of anger inside himself? He says he apologizes. He says that I said he’s trying to control Hope with buying a studio for her. Okay let me let you in on the situation. Hope wasn’t happy with Frick anymore. She tried telling him numerous times that she wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with him. She even told him that she didn’t love him. So, what does he do? He loves the girl so he will do anything in HIS right mind to keep her. I mean I understand that, he loves her, but he took it to an extreme. He tries to work things out with her. She’s scared now because she knows he’ll go crazy. He fills her head up with great ideas of building up a studio for her so she can do her music. At first she said no, but he kept drilling it in her mind how it was a great idea. Gullible Hope went along with it, only making it a harder break up. So I told her, if you are not happy with him tell him. Tell him it’s over. Come on I’m her friend, even a therapist would tell her that. She was sucked in with the studio. She needed a studio, what singer doesn’t. She tried at the relationship, but it wasn’t going to work. Again, it only made it harder. I saw my friend suffering, I saw what was going on. Yes I did say controlling to her. I told her, Hope can’t you see he’s holding on to you because of this studio, it’s control. He has control over you.

And why does he have to keep telling me he has a heart of gold? He doesn’t need to prove anything to me, he keeps saying it, because he’s trying to convince himself everything he does is all out of good. Well telling me to “BLOW ME” is not something a person with a heart of gold would say and continue bad mouthing me and on top of it build lies. Yeah he apologized, but deep inside he still did wrong and he’ll continue to. He did it every single time with Hope. That’s why she accepted his apologies and her gullibility took the best of her and killed it.

Yes Hope made a big mistake the night she called Frick for help. It was something she was use to. Of course he’s going to go to her. Any one would have. They did go out for 2 years. BUT!!! That was a mistake, it was his way back in. She wanted to try and be friends with him, but you know how it goes it can’t work out like that all the time. She called him as a friend. She was so drugged up and needed comfort. She kissed him and she swore to me that is all they did. He on the other hand told me they had sex. She hates herself for kissing him. That’s Frick taking something and stretching the truth. That’s why there are times I feel like I shouldn’t listen to his whole story, because some of it is true and well 85% of it is the stretching.

Frick says Hope broke up with him in January. So why the crazy texts still being sent to her by him in July? How is that moving on?

So we let him down. What about him letting us down with his, as Hope put it, abusive texts when she told him numerous times to stop. Stop showing up at my house 6 o’clock in the morning. Stop following me everywhere I go. Just STOP! Him not listening and not respecting her wishes is letting us down. She’s my friend and when she is hurt, I’m hurt. Then to top it off telling me to Blow him.

He doesn’t kill life he creates it. Is he trying to say I’m killing his life? GROW UP. You’re girlfriend of two years broke up with you 6 months ago because she didn’t want to be with you. Not because I was there for her through the miserable times she tried telling you it was over. It’s not my fault she doesn’t want to be with you. It’s destiny. You weren’t destined to be together. That’s it!

He was uninvited to my party because I didn’t want any drama! Never did I say dangerous! He got the D word all stretched out! Can you see what he does with peoples words. Negative assumptions dwelling inside him.

He never hurt any woman? Okay not physically but emotionally. If he listened to what Hope was telling him, he would have seen how he was killing her inside. So you see, he also kills the life inside Hope not create it. Oh he didn’t see that one coming. Hope cries telling me that he damaged her soul. To me that sounds like he’s not creating life.

A bad soul? Once again he labeled himself that. I never said that and would never say that.

20 g’s hmm the number all of a sudden hiked up. He wants an apology? For what shedding light on the truth. NOPE no apology coming out of this mouth. He should grow up and be a man and realize it’s not only him who has feelings. He needs to listen to everyone else’s feelings too, so he can understand what his words and action mean to the other person too and not just to him.

Ok now why would Mindy be asking Frick’s friend if Frick is dangerous? Must be because he said something to her about the past relationship with Hope, oh yeah that’s right he told Mindy all about the night Hope swallowed some pills. Instead of comforting her he should have taken her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped and not let this new girl that he’s dating about getting with his ex girlfriend. No girl wants to hear that. Of course she left you!!

Buddy not clearing his name? Well there must be a reason!

He’s trying to give me advice??

“remember this advice that i give there is big difference in this world from genuine determination vrs obsession.i got the determination thing down pact if you got that too then you would understand.but for now my determination is all on me def. not shallow people”

Obsession is blowing up peoples phone with nonsense! That’s including mine and Hopes.

So guys guess what? I’m CANCER according to Frick. Like he said to me, FUCK OFF!

Of course there had to be another email and I hope he finds this sharing with the world - My internet live journal diary- intriguing.

“and just one last thing because i know you are probably sharing this with the world.hope will always be in my heart the same way all the other woman i loved in my life are still.its not something that i can control.some might see that as a down fall but i personally see it as a gift because i have and will continue to love many in ways that no one else can understand or compare.so please do not befoul me or ridicule my actions ever again.”

BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! WELCOME WORLD, TO MY BLOG! I WALK AWAY FEELING LIGHTER!

GARBAGE

2005-07-06T10:39:00.000-04:00

I was sitting on the couch last night watching Crossing Jordan on A&E and at 9:55 PM my phone starts blowing up again. Wonder who it is? It’s Frick. What a shocker. Here are two text he sent obviously I put it into one.

“HEY for what its worth. Im sorry for curseing at you. But the rest I have to say is just how ifeel’I am not garbage and never treated any one I know like garbage. I Expect the same in return. .so take care. Thanks for the great PEP talk. Good luck”

GREAT PEP TALK? CIA FAI? WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY PEP TALK HE DID ALL THE FUCKING BLABBERING!!! Here we go again with him putting crap in his mind and infatuates himself with it and believes it’s true. First he needs to spell correctly, second of all no one ever called him garbage, he’s calling himself that. We never let him feel like garbage, he was my friend and I never treated him any other way but as a friend. All I did as a friend was text him “ HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”, then his psychotic behavior comes through. It’s in his mind that he’s garbage, because that’s how he treats himself. When he doesn’t stop harassing Hope and now me with the crazy text, he knows somewhere in his touched head that it’s wrong so that triggers something in there and tells him “GARBAGE”. His actions are wrong and well, he’s always acting like that, so yeah I guess he is “GARBAGE” but he did that to himself and labeled it that.

Still Blowing Up My Phone

2005-07-05T20:53:00.000-04:00

So what is it, almost an hour later?, he text me again. This will never end. Here it is the evidence that he definitely needs help.

“Im very annoyed with the fact that you and her keep MANIPULATING me into a bad guy, when I never hurt either of you. NEVER Did I hurt a hair on either of you guys. And never did i ever do wrong. Always did the rite thing and always looked out for both of you. Even as much as it sickenes me what has been done I still never would hurt you girls. Just tired of being treated like garbage. why would anyone want that when others will and can treat you better”

Oh is that guilt my friend?? Hurt a hair on us? Feelings buddy feelings. Never did he ever do wrong? He told me “BLOW ME” (when all I did was give a kind wish of happiness on his birthday) that’s doing something wrong in my book, what do you guys think? He has problems, he needs to stop blaming things like it’s not him and it’s everyone around him. He’s asking for pity, can’t he see it? Well too bad he’s no longer my friend. He’s filled up his mind that we manipulated him into a bad guy? I’m not a manipulator, I tell you how it is. We never treated him like garbage there goes one of his lies. His assumptions that he infatuates on and leads to believing it’s the truth in his mind.

Did Someone Say Psychologist?

2005-07-05T19:05:00.000-04:00

THE HISTORY. Hope and Frick went out for two years. Hope met Frick at his very own basement apartment the night all us girls where invited for dinner. Us girls, met Frick through another friend GT. He introduced us to his entire little gang. It was friendship at first sight. Then Hope and Frick decided to have an attraction towards one another. At first, I thought it was cool, but at the same time I knew that Frick was not for Hope, he was totally not her type nor anything like the other men she was with in her life. They took a chance and it was all good IN THE BEGINNING. Hope and I have an inside joke about that, I always tell her to take it slow not to fall to fast and hard, because everything is always dandy “IN THE BEGINNING“. Till this day, I keep saying I’m going to write a song about it.

THE DRAMA. Two years down the line, Hope came to find out the true person Frick ended up to be. He’s a great person, but not a great significant other for her. They’ve been through some good times, but then came out his true colors. His controlling ways, his lies, his exaggeration. Don’t get me wrong there’s real good qualities. He does have a big heart, but he uses it also to put it in her face. He’s generous, only because he thinks it will buy him love from friends and especially from the woman he loves. He would be a great person if he would get that mentality out oh his head, he’s a great person without trying to prove something and when he tries to prove something it’s always negative. His controlling ways derives from wanting to be the FATHER FIGURE. You see he lost his dad a long time ago. His dad was a cop and well Frick is a cop now, honestly, I think that is what the whole dilemma is. He has not accepted or should I say has not dealt with the absence of his father. So in turn, he’s fucked up in the head. You know a little touched in the knock knock anyone home head.

Ok so things didn’t work out between Frick and Hope. Frick hasn’t learned to let go of Hope and well won’t leave her alone. He constantly texts her outrageous things and well you know how it goes when the ex becomes the psycho ex. He blames everyone but himself that they are not together. That’s where I come in. Sad part is him and I were friends till this very day I’m typing this blog. Hope on the other hand is my best friend from childhood. She’s not only my good friend but she’s also like a little sister to me. I would tell her to not bother with him if she didn‘t want anything to do with him anymore, ignore the harassing text and voicemails. He even sent her threats over the phone. He turned out to be a cruel touched in the head person indeed. So as you know, I was planning my birthday party, by the way it was a great time, and well they are both my friends and they were both invited. Frick had to ruin it all. He had to harass her once again after she told him billions of times to stop communicating with her, that the abusive text messages where harassment. He did not listen. Hope called me a few days before my birthday party to tell me that she is not coming to the party because he will not stop and she isn’t going to be in the same room with him, that he is damaging her soul. Now come on, she is my best friend. I will not allow that. I cursed her out saying she better come and that I will kick her fucking ass and that I was going to call Frick and let him know not to come to my party. I think I actually text him saying that I’m really sorry but Hope feels very uncomfortable with you being at my party, and I do not want any drama at my party and she is my best friend and he should understand that I want both of them there, but it will only cause problems. Well well did that cause problems. I spoke with him and he was like fine, but upset. I had also text him that we can go out another night to celebrate. He text her and harasses her with a message that he thanks her for having him dis invited. That my friend was his made up word. Ok so now, besides him thinking I had something to do with their not getting back together (he’s nuts) and now me telling him to please not to come to my party because I didn’t want any drama, he truly hates the fucking shit out of me. Heck, but friends are friends and they should understand. So after all that, he started texting me all crazy things how he was going to crash my party blah blah blah. Of course he wasn’t.

NOW TO TODAY. It’s the 5th of July and I’m in Florida visiting my family. Today happens to be Frick’s birthday. I text him

“Happy Birthday!”

He texts me back and I will type it exactly how he sent it to me.

“BLOW ME”

Now once again my friend, this fucker doesn’t know who he’s fucking with. That is where he lost my friendship. So I did the mature thing and ignored his text and just took him right out of my heart.

Oh it doesn’t end. He continued with texting me a novel. I accidentally erased the first one after the BLOW ME text. Now read on and please just comment on it, I really want to make sure that he really does need psychological help. Hang on it’s going to be a thrill ride.

“clan will realize That. What it means to be a real person. Just remember it all comes back to ya. Life is funny like that.you will see ; ) Real friends bring life never TRY AND destroy it. Iwill always KEEP and never will not LOSE my hearth of gold. But you have got to be kidding me. what I could may have used was a friend. DEF. Not a HIPROCRIT. Giving me PITTY. Funny thing is I probably was one of the most real sincere personS you girls have ever met. it’s a shame the way you ALL turn. Go play with some other toy soldier this one is fed up.”

Then after that 8th one I get this, of course I still have not replied to any of it.

“r ever have ever done any good. Oh not to mention I HARASS People and am never fun to have at a party. Im just so unhappy. wha will I ever do wit my whittle…

…Besides what would you want to know someone like me for im the big bad wolf remember. you know I open studios to control people only a trouble maker. neve….

(I think this one was to come first then the one above, but that’s not how I got it on my phone, it makes more sense this way)

…oh self. Im so bad. Disgusting YUCK. Who will I ever find. Im going to did lonely rite. LOL You have a nice day thanks for the POTHETIC PITTY.”

Still I did not reply to his idiotic touched in the head thoughts. He sends another text. Now remember all I did was text him HAPPY BIRHTDAY!

“SPEECH LES HUH cause you know im rite. Truth hurts. Shallow people only hurt themselves.

Ha ha ha ha is this fucker kidding me. You see for all you people who do not know me, I’m far from shallow and I’m one not to be fucked with. I know, I know a lot of people say that, but truly, you do not want to get on my bad side.

I had to put this fucker in his place so this is what I sent him through an IM on to his phone.

“STOP blowing up my phone with nonsense. U lost me as a friend when U said blow me, when I wished U a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! U didn't ask for pity verbally N U never got it from me and never will. U only said it because deep inside that's what U want. Please don't bother me w/ another txt. Frick it was nice knowing you. Look in the mirror and find the shallowness inside urself. You're SAD and I don't mean emotions I mean YOU'RE THE PATHETIC ONE! U want to throw fire with words,I'm the pro. I'm not one to be crossed”

He replied, of course he did why wouldn’t a touched in the head person not listen to what I just said?

“Please don't bother me w/ another txt” Did I mention he’s a great listener? YEAH RIGHT!

“Hey whatever man you lost a friend when you mistakened me for a weak piece of shit.shallow Minded two faced non spiritual non trusting people i have no time for.If you want to be a friend well then You girls should all learn from mistakes. Like i said dont need ya def dont want.its called CharmA .be real in life .thats when you will be happy but please honestly dont need the PITTY From ya .you did what you thought was rite.so now im doing what i know is rite.SUCEEDING In a positive way.Same way i did when i lost my dad.so do me a favor .FUCk off.lol before i start PITTYING YOU.ya see when you dont get abused in life you actually look and feel good.like i said my life is my revenge ;-) bye pal.stay real”

Again I didn’t reply because I will not stoop down to his level. A minute after the IM my phone starts blowing up again. SURPRISE IT’S FRICK!!!

“OH YEAH . Thanks for the birthday kisses ; - )”

Then the other.

“OOPS That’s gotta burn.lol. Truth always does”

Another.

“Boy I hope you got all those messages. Cause I feel really good getting that off my chest. now you know why I was born after the forth . Just like a fire cracker.”

Oh he got that right he’s a CRACKER!!! CRACKED IN THE FUCKING HEAD!

Wait there’s more.

It sucks losing people you were close with doesnt it.now you know how it feels”

Still more.

“Sorry man you made me feel like shit first.numerous times. Now I have to CELABRATE My birth day.remember actions are much more valuable than words will ever be.bye

Now that is all from me telling him HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Who the hell is he to tell me about losing someone close to you and how it sucks. It’s been 10 miserable fucking years I lost my brother from a heart attack, he’s gone and I’m not fucking touched in the head! CIA FAI? (cha - fai, definition - Are you fucking kidding me you FUCK FACE?) He needs a dictionary the next time he decides to text people. Like he said Karma about Karma. Well I say WATCH OUT FRICK KARMA IS A BIG BITCH AND SHE’S OUT TO FUCKING GET YA!! So next time anyone wants to wish someone a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Make sure they aren’t touched in the head… Did someone say someone needs a psychologist?

My Dream

2005-06-19T14:22:00.000-04:00

I don’t know if it was this morning or last night that I had this weird ass dream. Well I’ll tell you a bit of it, because honestly I can’t remember the sequence of it. All I can tell you that it had to do with a hotel, that supposedly was an old house turned into a hotel that my aunt owned long ago as her home. I went to the basement and found all old things, like my aunts dolls. It smelled too. Like an old basement. When I went down the stairs it was dark and there was only a shed of light on a few items that I could see like the dolls, there were so many things around. My mom and my cousin (who is the daughter of my aunt who owned this house) were in my dream talking about how they went on one of those thingies. I guess we went skiing, because in my dream I saw a mountain full of snow and well people skiing. So instead of the lift we saw one of those little I can’t remember what they are called right now, but a buggy on wire in mid air. They were talking about how they wouldn’t ever get back on one of those things again because it scared the shit out of them. I told them it was no big deal that I go on them all the time, but I was referring to the real lift and not that closed in bullshit buggy. So we saw all this from a window. I think before all that I was on some sort of school bus or a piece of shit ragged bus. One of my other cousins was with me and when we went into this house/hotel, we felt at home, but we had to figure out if we wanted to share a room with two twin beds or get our own rooms, since we over heard (by the way there was no one there) people discussing how they were going into their own room. My cousin had a crazy idea of a king size bed and I told her that they have one. She got so excited so we ended up sharing a room instead of getting our own. In my dream, I felt that there was a special someone there and that in my heart I could feel him in the hotel somewhere, but I don’t think I ever got to see him.

Tonight, in real life, my cousin who was in my dream who shared a room with me came over. My roommate had rented, well he has net flex, some movies. We watched Blade Trinity together; me, my roommate and his girlfriend and then my cousin came toward the end of the movie and ended up on my comp to check her e-mail. When the movie was over I joined her. She was looking up Junior Bridesmaid dresses. I’m her maid of honor. I’ve been the one going all over with her looking for dresses I can’t believe she’s getting married my little cousin. It’s such an honor that she picked me as maid of honor.
Anyhoots, so after looking at some dresses we decided to go into the living room and watch the other movie my roommate had. We watched Maid In Manhattan.

Let me tell you, I thought I was going to vomit. There is no way in this fucking world someone so rich and famous could fall in love with just a normal being who has nothing as soon as they lay eyes on them. It was a fantasy dream movie. It actually made me sick and well depressed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I had my days when I was actually talking to someone who was famous. I could forget him now though. He got married. Asshole! It was 1:30 or so in the morning. My cousin had to walk home and well I was worried so I told her to call me on my house phone and talk to me while she was walking home. She finally went through her doors and we hung up. I went on line to check my mail. I remembered part of my dream and called her back and told her

“Remember that dream I told about earlier today?”

“Yeah”

“Well isn’t it funny that tonight we sat and watched a movie about a maid in a HOTEL.”

“Yeah, that’s weird.”
“Well okay, I love you, I thought to tell you that.”

Well I know I started my blog with Today, but it was actually yesterday because I got a phone call last night while typing this and couldn’t finish blogging so I continued today. I went to MyJellyBean.com to look up some definition of my dream. Here it goes.

Hotel
Hotel dreams suggest the dreamer needs to learn a new way to think about an old problem in order to solve it.

Ski
Dreaming that you are skiing, suggests that you are pushing yourself and putting your mental and/or physical ability to the test. You are your own fiercest competitor. Also see "Ski Lift", below.

Ski Lift
To dream of riding a ski lift predicts happiness and prestige through hard work. If you fell off the lift in your dream, there will be difficult obstacles on the road to achieving your goals.

Basement
To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. If the basement is clean and neat, you are happy and well-adjusted. If the basement is dark and spooky or messy and dirty, you are unhappy with your life right now.

Doll
Dreaming of a doll means someone is being dishonest with you in real life.

Bus
To dream of a bus means you've been going along with the crowd and need to start acting on your own decisions. If you missed your bus in the dream, you may feel that others are leaving you behind socially or emotionally. You are having difficulty in achieving your personal goals. To dream that you are in a bus accident, signifies that you will find yourself in an embarrassing situation.

BUT I DIDN'T!

2005-06-17T19:22:00.000-04:00

Today my friend, I started to clean my yard again. Well this time I had the choppers/clippers you know those big scissors. I already had whacked all the weeds and my body is still reminding me all about it, but today, I think I got bit by every Tom, Dick and Harry bug out there. Ohhhh and the thorns, those mother fuckers hurt like a big fucking bitch. My yard is between these two houses. On my right is a Polish family who have a grandson who’s probably around 8 and on my left hand side is an Italian family who have two boys one who is 5 and the other is like 8 or 9. When I whacked the shit out those weeds, I found so many toys, even a damn potato, I thought I was growing potatoes; I was so excited for no reason. It was the kids throwing it to one another across my yard. Why can’t they toss money around? That, I would not return. What is in my yard is mine now.

The polish boy next door, I mean I know he’s a kid, but gosh I just want to toss him across to the next neighborhood. Here I am doing my yard work, getting the work out of the year and HE KEEPS calling for me with his accent.

“EHXCUSE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

At first I was fine with it, but after a billion fucking times in a matter of half a minute it starts to burn a fucking hole in my head. It starts sounding so damn whiny. He’s up to mischief that little boy. I can see it right through him. He’s a wise ass and he thinks he’s smooth about it. He puts that I’m a foreign boy who doesn’t know better act. Well that shit is not going to fly my way. I can’t get any work done with this kid asking every damn second if I can get something for him that I chopped off or whacked. He then insults the little 5 year old next door.

“DUMB ASS”

How I wanted to rip him a new asshole. Who does this kid think he is? I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have any patience. I told him that it wasn’t nice to say those words, he knew and just smirked. So after, I give this kid all the branches in the world I had clipped off the trees. I hated it, but I took most of the dead ones off. The back of my yard looked like a jungle. Once he started up I told him that I would take them away from him and then 5 minutes later he calls the poor 5 year old a dumb ass.

So besides every freaking second with the

“EHXCUSE ME”

he knew he was busting my balls. So I decided to tell him that I can’t do it I have a lot of work to do. This kid just wouldn’t stop.

The 9 year Italian boy comes out side to greet me. He asked me if I had seen his turtle because he had found two in my yard and now one was missing and think that it ran away. So I told him that if I found it I would let him know. I told him it might be here in the back (a.k.a. jungle)

My yard is now lumpy. It has a few good piles of whacked weeds and clipped branches. My very first pile that I had created a few days ago was only two feet away from me. Alas, the turtle came out of the pile. I couldn’t believe it. It’s like it knew we were talking about it. I screamed the little Italian boy’s name out and I told him I found his turtle to come over the fence and get it, but he had no shoes on. So I had to grab the sucker myself. Mr. Wise Ass sees me giving the Italian boy the turtle and squeals for it. I told him that it wasn’t his and it belonged to the other boy. He pouts. That made me feel so glorious. That disappointment in his eyes that showed me that he didn’t get his way. It was beautiful. So the Italian boy puts it by the other turtle’s side. As he did that, I thought about the day I was whacking the weeds when something moved in the jungle (the mighty jungle the turtle sleeps tonight). I thought it was a mouse and had my roommate come to the yard and check out the situation. I thought I was going to shred the mouse apart and get squirted with its guts. It never happened.

Little Mr. Wise Ass has the nerve to tell me if the turtle comes back into my yard to give it to him. I said that I couldn’t, that it belonged to the other boy and that would be a question he would have to ask him. See, he didn’t ask me he told me to give it to him. Unbelievable. Can I snap his neck? He sat down with his back towards me. Glory halleluiah. Ok atheists don’t sing that do they? Ok well then what about I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it ohhh yeahhhh. Well this little up to no good boy kept bugging the fucking shit out of me and while I was trying to rake up all the fucking thorn branches from my rose tree, he decides to put in his

“EHXCUSE ME”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “

“WHUT HAPPENED?”

“I GOT A THORN IN MY LEG”

“OH IT MUST BE IN REAL DEEP”

My fist down your throat is going to be deep you annoying little fucker, it’s your fault the thorn is in my leg, stop bothering me fucker.
Well that’s what I wanted to say. But I didn’t!

The Little Retard In Me

2005-06-16T01:29:00.000-04:00

Ewww, so because I really don’t have anything else better to do rather than sleep at 1:18am I go on line and play Family Fued on Uproar.com. So much fun. Anyhoots. He had his away message up all day today, not that I noticed, but unfortunately I still have not taken him off my buddy list, which I should. I guess there’s this little retard that lives inside me that is hoping that he would snap out of his “I’m a fucking idiot that can’t be a man” and IM me. I mean a friendship is all I want. What is wrong with me? I say that a lot don’t I? It’s like I hate him. I see that he’s on line and he doesn’t even bother to acknowledge that we spoke and hung out just over a week ago and we’ve known each other for over 13 years. I did give him the send off with the briefness IM, but I think he’s too stupid to understand that I was telling him off and goodbye. It just boggles me how someone can just stop talking to someone. It tortures me to see his name on my buddy list, but something is keeping it there. Like I said the little retard in me. I said my goodbye, but I guess the retard in me still hasn’t let go.

Small Face The Clown

2005-06-16T00:38:00.000-04:00

Small Face came over tonight. He has his own little thing going on to make extra money and that my friend is… being a CLOWN or should I say entertainer? He’s the guy who’s behind those costumes, the clown making the balloons, the guy doing the funny dances at a kid’s birthday party and gets paid for it. So, since I’m out of work and he’s my friend, he wants to help me out as I want to help him. He said I was perfect. I’m definitely a clown. I can be a PRINCESS or WONDER WOMAN.

I had my first lesson in balloon making tonight, and I did pretty darn good. Now the thing is, I have to remember how to make them. He’s going to drop off a paint facing book so I can paint all those kids up. I told him that I would practice on my nieces and nephews when I get to Florida. They are all there visiting my parents. Well not all of them but most of them.

I put all the balloons we made in a huge clear recycling bag, that my cat now is scrambling through. There was this one particular balloon we were making and as a joke I twisted it a certain way and said look a mosquito. I had them piled up on my living room area rug. My cat decides to pick the one balloon in the middle of the pile with her mouth and brings it to the futon. I took a sneak peak and noticed she picked the mosquito. How funny is that? If she’s not chasing a real bug, she’s chasing for the balloon one. It’s amazing, how their mind works.
All I kept thinking was this will be fun, but I really don’t want to go to a party where someone will notice me. I mean they see me in a clown outfit twisting balloons and making children laugh. It’s sort of awkward. Heck, if I can make people laugh, it makes me feel good. One of the most beautiful sounds is children’s laughter. A remedy to a lost soul.

2005-06-15T01:54:00.000-04:00

This is one of the photos I had taken for my birthday invite I was working on. Obviously because I'm anonymous I cropped my face off

His friendship came back BRIEFLY

2005-06-14T02:28:00.000-04:00

That friend from the past that came back into my life has just left. I said my goodbye to him over IM.

“Well the briefness was nice. I see you don't have time. Maybe we can be brief again in two years. It was nice talking to you Leo.”

I don’t understand why people are retarded. I mean what is so hard with keeping a promise of calling someone when you say

“I’ll call you later” or “I’ll call you tomorrow”

If your intentions are not to call me then don’t say you will. I kissed the stupid man. Maybe I scared him off, but I left it as a friendly thing. We IM’d each other after that and he seemed to be ok. I had asked him to come hang out with me, Mia and Hope at a bar. He said he would let me know, that he wasn’t sure if he had to go into work. I IM’d him if he couldn’t make it that we should hang out another night. He seemed to have liked that idea.

On my way there, I called and left him a message (of course he didn’t pick up) telling him if he wanted to come this is where place would be. He never called me back. I figured he went to work. No big deal. I was just being nice to invite him. I got home around 2:30 in the morning; since I figured he was at work I was going to leave him a message that he missed out on a good time. Much to my surprise he picked up.

“Hey, you picked up”

“Yeah, why not?” (something like that)

“Oh, I was going to leave you a message saying that you missed out on a good time, but you picked up.”

“Really, are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine and that’s weird, because I had our infamous drink (Long Island Iced Tea with out the coke and Peach Schnapps instead) and a shot of 252 and two other shots, and I’M FINE!”

I heard him typing.

“You’re typing, are you on the computer?”

“Yeah, are you going on line?”

I laughed “Am I going on line? Ha noooo way.”

“Alright, so then I’ll call you tomorrow…”

and as he was saying that I was saying

“Oh alright…

then he kept talking saying “I’ll talk to you then.”

I continued after my "OH alright" over him “well you have a good night.”

I realized I was talking to dead air. He hung up right after he said

“I’ll talk to you then.”

Ahhh I hate that shit, that was so fucking rude!!! I do not tolerate that. He didn’t even say bye. I hate that bullshit.

So I tried to go on line to tell him that it was rude. I couldn’t get on line, my fucking Verizon DSL was messed up. I took it as a sign. He must have been talking to some chick on line and it was more important to chat with her rather than talking to a friend for two minutes on the phone.

Well I never got that call and that was the middle of last week he said he would call. So I tried IM’ing him again and well he never replied. I called him that other night leaving a message if he wanted to get something to eat, he never called back. I thought he might have been busy. On the contrary but in my mind somewhere, I was also thinking he was avoiding me. So I IM’d him tonight.

“Are you going to talk to me?”

He never replied. So time past and I wrote him again.

“Well the briefness was nice. I see you don't have time. Maybe we can be brief again in two years. It was nice talking to you Leo.”

He never replied, so this was my goodbye.